Funny stories abound about teachers and their relationships with their students. Here’s a collection of jokes from my 35 year humor collection making light of our education system. Pay close attention, there will be a quiz later.
Pupil (on phone): My son has a bad cold and won’t be able to come to school today.
School Secretary: Who is this?
Pupil: This is my father speaking!
Mother: How do you like your new teacher?
Son: I don’t. She told me to sit up the front for the present and then she didn’t give me one!
Son: I can’t go to school today.
Father: Why not?
Son: I don’t feel well
Father: Where don’t you feel well?
Son: In school!
Teacher: You missed school yesterday didn’t you?
Pupil: Not very much!
Johnny, where’s your homework?” Miss Martin said sternly to the little boy while holding out her hand.
“My dog ate it,” was his solemn response.
“Johnny, I’ve been a teacher for eighteen years. Do you really expect me to believe that?”
“It’s true, Miss Martin, I swear it is,” insisted Johnny. “I had to smear it with honey, but I finally got him to eat it.”
What would happen if you took the school bus home?
The police would make you bring it back!
Jill,” a teacher reprimanded the teenager in the hall, “do you mind telling me whose class you’re cutting this time?”
“Like,” the young teen replied, “uh, see, okay, like it’s like I really don’t like think like that’s really important, y’know, like because I’m y’know, like I don’t get anything out of it.”
“It’s English class, isn’t it?” replied the smiling teacher.
Great news, teacher says we have a test today come rain or shine.
So what’s so great about that?
It’s snowing outside!
The teacher of the earth science class was lecturing on map reading. After explaining about latitude, longitude, degrees and minutes the teacher asked, “Suppose I asked you to meet me for lunch at 23 degrees, 4 minutes north latitude and 45 degrees, 15 minutes east longitude…?”
After a confused silence, a voice volunteered, “I guess you’d be eating alone.”
Pupil: I don’t think I deserved zero on this test!
Teacher: I agree, but that’s the lowest mark I could give you!
The little boy wasn’t getting good marks in school. One day he made the teacher quite surprised.
He tapped her on the shoulder and said……. “I don’t want to scare you, but my daddy says if I don’t get better grades……. somebody is going to get a spanking………”
Teacher: How can you make so many mistakes in just one day?
Pupil: I get up early!
“An abstract noun,” the teacher said, “is something you can think of, but you can’t touch it. Can you give me an example of one?”
“Sure,” a teenage boy replied. “My father’s new car.”
Teacher: I told you to stand at the end of the line?
Pupil: I tried, but there was someone already there!
A little girl had just finished her first week of school. I’m wasting my time,” she said to her mother. “I can’t read, I can’t write – and they won’t let me talk!”
Teacher: “Isn’t it remarkable how quickly the kids learn to drive the car?”
Parent: “Yes, especially considering how slowly they catch on to running the lawnmower and vacuum cleaner.”
Mother: Does your teacher like you?
Son: Like me, she loves me. Look at all those X’s on my test paper!
A scout for one of the leading colleges went to the office of the athletic director and announced, “Have I got an athlete for you! This guy can play every sport and excels at every position. He is absolutely the finest athlete I have ever seen play.”
The athletic director was very impressed but had to ask the question, “But how is he scholastically?”
The scout replied, “He makes straight ‘A’s in every subject. However, I must tell you his ‘B’s are a little crooked.”
What did you learn in school today?
Not enough, I have to go back tomorrow!
The kindergarten class had settled down to its coloring books. Steve came up to the teacher’s desk and said, “Miss Merc, I ain’t got no crayons.”
“Steve,” Miss Merc said, “you mean, “I don’t have any crayons. You don’t have any crayons. We don’t have any crayons. They don’t have any crayons. Do you see what I’m getting at?”
“Not really,” Steve said, “What happened to all them crayons?”
Teacher: You aren’t paying attention to me. Are you having trouble hearing?
Pupil: No, teacher I’m having trouble listening!
The new family in the neighborhood overslept and their six-year-old daughter missed her school bus.
The father, though late for work himself, had to drive her. Since he did not know the way, he said that she would have to direct him to the school.
They rode several blocks before she told him to turn the first time, several more before she indicated another turn. This went on for 20 minutes – but when they finally reached the school, it proved to be only a short distance from their home.
The father, much annoyed, asked his daughter why she’d led him around in such a circle.
The child explained, “That’s the way the school bus goes, Daddy. It’s the only way I know.”
Teacher: Class, we will have only half a day of school this morning.
Class: Hooray
Teacher: We will have the other half this afternoon!
College student: “Hey, Dad! I’ve got some great news for you!”
Father: “What, son?”
College student: “Remember that $500 you promised me if I made the Dean’s list?
Father: “I certainly do.”
College student: “Well, you get to keep it.
Teacher: Why can’t you ever answer any of my questions?
Pupil: Well if I could there wouldn’t be much point in me being here!
An elementary school teacher, well versed in educational jargon, asked for a small allotment of money for “behavior modification reinforcers.
The principal saw the item and asked, “What in heaven’s name is that?”
“Lollipops,” the teacher explained.
Father: How do you like going to school?
Son: The going bit is fine, as is the coming home bit too, but I’m not too keen on the time in-between!
An eccentric philosophy professor gave a one question final exam after a semester dealing with a broad array of topics.
The class was already seated and ready to go when the professor picked up his chair, plopped it on his desk and wrote on the board: “Using everything we have learned this semester, prove that this chair does not exist.”
Fingers flew, erasers erased, notebooks were filled in furious fashion. Some students wrote over 30 pages in one hour attempting to refute the existence of the chair. One member of the class however, was up and finished in less than a minute.
Weeks later when the grades were posted, the rest of the group wondered how he could have gotten an “A” when he had barely written anything at all. His answer consisted of two words:
“What chair?”
What are you going to be when you get out of school?
An old man!
A football coach was asked his secret of evaluating raw recruits. “Well,” he said, “I take ’em out in the woods and make ’em run. The ones that go around the trees, I make into running backs. The ones that run into the trees, I turn into linemen.”
Student: Can you hold on to my wallet for me while we take the exam? There may or may not be money in it.
Teacher: I can’t be bought!
Student: Yes, but can you be rented for a little while?
