Now I love Disneyland a lot. More than I love oxygen, Gerard Butler and my mother-combined. I realize that not everybody is going to feel the same way; I respect that, even if I can’t comprehend it. But in my love-borderline-obsession I have done some intense investigation throughout the amusement park and feel that I am more than qualified to offer a first-timer some sage tokens of experience.
Everybody knows Space Mountain is ‘a must’ and staying for the parade is ‘worth it,’ however, after that everything gets a bit overwhelming. Since you only have so much time in a day, there are a few possibly less-than-obvious things that you absolutely must fit into your itinerary. Before I begin, may I emphasize the glory and ecstasy that are Fastpasses. (You go to a ride, flash your ticket under a scanner and it gives you a ride ticket for a time when you can come back later and practically get right on. Use these!)
Alright, on to the 5 things that you absolutely must do (and the 3 things you absolutely must eat):
Indiana Jones Adventure (Adventureland) – Yeah, I know your first thought when I say Disney is not Harrison Ford with a whip-but that’s precisely why I’m bringing it up. You walk down flame-lit cavernous tunnels with scrawled warnings of impending death. You ride in a jeep with a driver worse than any teenager and people shoot poisonous darts at you. But braving the ‘wrath of Mara’ is so worth it when the big ball comes-yup, just like the scene in the movie-it’s so real, I scream every time. Every single time. Bad news: You might need Dramamine if you get car sick. Good news: No real snakes.
Pirates of the Carribbean (New Orleans Square) – The movie is the first ever inspired by an amusement park ride. And if you go after watching the movie, you can almost see how the chicken came before the egg-or is it the egg before the chicken? It’s a long mellow ride that leads you through the kind of imaginary world your childhood would have concocted. As you slowly glide through the dark waters, cannonballs fire overhead, explosions startle you and drinking songs inspire you to swing your stout and join in-and I don’t even like beer. You’ll so want to be a pirate after this ride. Great ride for when your legs are mush.
Tom Sawyer Island and Mark Twain Riverboat (Frontierland) – I’m combining these two because they are obviously thematically intertwined yes, but also because together they cater to everyone. Those who are naturally inclined to rest will love the riverboat ride around the island and those of you who have ants in your pants will scour every inch of the island. Play in Tom and Huck’s Castle Rock lookout, ring a ship’s bell, follow every dirt trail and cross those sketchy bridges. You’ll really feel like you’re playing in nature’s playground, not in an urban amusement park. Go before dusk. It really does close before everything else.
Peter Pan’s Flight (Fantasyland) – This is about as Disney as Disney gets. You get your own private flying galleon. You get to see Big Ben all lit up at night on your way to Never Land. Yes, you really do go around the second star on the right and crocodiles do try to eat you. And just like the children you don’t ever want to leave Never Land. You should ride this ride because some childhood fantasies are worth living out. There’s always a line, so it’s a good time to chat it up with family and eat that messy whatever you can’t eat while walking.
Enchanted Tiki Room (Adventureland) – I do this one over and over again-on the same day. The hosts (Jose, Michael, Pierre, Fritz) are so cordial and fun, they’re very cool for birds. They sing. Flowers sing. Even the tiki posts sing. And then the rain comes, it’s a thunderstorm, of course, with flashes of lightning. This is about as pleasingly mellow as an attraction can get. Sit in the back so your neck isn’t sore from looking up.
As for the three things you must eat:
The toffee/caramel apples on Main Street. They’re huge but don’t share, you’ll want every bite of it. There’s a porch swing across the street from the shop. Sit over there, squirt apple juice all over you and watch the people go by, eyeing your treat. (They really point.)
The pineapple spears at the Tiki Room. Eat it before you go in or after you get out. It is the finest pineapple you’ll ever have. And c’mon, how often do you get nutritious fare at an amusement park? Yea, fruit can be fun.
The Mickey-head-shaped pretzel hanging around Adventureland. I’m not talking about one big circle with two smaller ones on top; I’m talking Mickey’s profile head. Yeah, it’s cool. Dip in cheese or eat plain, Mickey is delicious and worth every carb.
