Having children can be one of the most demanding and rewarding tasks in a person’s life. Working with children, especially children that are not your own, can also be rewarding, but the demands are far different than that of a parent, especially when it comes to dealing with difficult children.
Young children, from the ages of three to seven, are just developing their sense of social interaction, right versus wrong, and are in the process of developing a strong personality all their own. Some children will react violently when confronted with certain people, events or situations. Whether you’re a daycare worker, a babysitter, or a teacher, dealing with a violent child that is not your own can be increasingly frustrating and hard. Outlining a strategy and analyzing the situation in depth are important parts of both helping the child learn suitable reactions as well as making your classroom/work environment a safe place for both you and the other children in your care.
The most important part of dealing with a violent child, especially from the ages of three to seven, is to analyze the situations in which the child reacts violently. Is it frequent and with what seems like no trigger or is it more controlled and definable? Some children will react violently when they don’t get their way, when they feel someone is being mean, or for no discernable reason. It is important to determine for yourself what factors you think are bringing out the violent behavior. The next step is to ask the child why he’s reacting violently. When you ask a child, especially younger children who may not yet be able to verbalize their feelings fully, be very specific. Don’t just ask “Why did you do that?” Ask “why did you slap Tommy on the face?” Many children will not be able to give you a real reason, but analyzing the words they use may help you determine the triggers of the violent behavior.
Beyond the reasons behind the violent actions, it is important to be aware of how the child acts after being violent. Do they seem sorry? Do they seem confused? A child’s feelings after the fact may be just as important as the trigger. A child that feels guilty after being violent obviously knows right from wrong, but has forgotten it in the midst of the trigger. A child who goes along happily may not yet understand that their actions are not okay. Combine what you observed as triggers, with their attitude after the fact.
Though many children after the age of three and four know the difference between right and wrong in a lot of situations, they are still young and prone to follow their whims and feelings over their knowledge or reasoning. Always reinforce that a violent display is never okay-no matter what the circumstances. Though they may already have that knowledge, reinforcing it will only help them remember.
One of the hardest things about working with children is that you simply do not know how the child is treated or acts at home. Try to know as much about the home situation as possible by talking with parents. Try to examine their behavior through that lens. Violent children can come from very stable homes, but sometimes something in their home life may also be acting as a trigger to these violent behaviors in your care. If you know what’s going on at home, you may be able to sidestep certain triggers or may know how to better handle the situation and reinforce the fact that violent actions are not okay.
A huge problem in all of society is accepting responsibility for your own mistakes. It is extremely important that the child know he/she is responsible for his/her own actions. The child must accept responsibility for the violent outburst. Many children will have the excuse that “He did that” or “She did it first” but always reinforce to the child that they are responsible for making the right decision. Keep other children out of the conversation. By apologizing, the child is also accepting responsibility for their violent behavior. Always make sure the child apologizes for the actions if they are committed on another person.
One of the hardest things about violent children is curbing the violent reaction in the first place. After analyzing the triggers, see if there is any way to eliminate or at least lower the occurrence of these triggers. If it is a certain child, encourage them to play apart from each other. If it is a certain situation, be aware of it and how it is affecting the child. If at all possible, remove the child from the situation.
When confronting the child about their actions, make sure to analyze their behavior. Some children will listen better if you are very strict and firm. However, some violent children will only become more violent with the confrontation. Make sure to be aware of how you handle the situation and, in turn, how the child reacts. By knowing what works best for the particular child you will have a better chance of avoiding an escalation of violent behavior.
Experiment with punishments. Some children respond well to time-outs, some do not. Some children respond well with a reward system, some only become more demanding and violent. Unfortunately, there is no one clear-cut method that works; you have to do a trial and error. Once you find a punishment that the child seems to both understand and respond to in a positive manner (in that his violent episodes diminish or lessen in severity), stick with it and be firm. It is really important, especially in the case of violence that can escalate both now and later in their lives, to be consistent and firm.
Especially with teaching or daycare, where you work with these children several times a week, it is so incredibly important to communicate with parents. Do not accuse them of making their child violent, but instead voice your concerns. Work with them in hopes that as two separate entities you may be able to come up with good solutions, punishments or ideas. If you find something really works, encourage parents to continue it at home. Most parents will be incredibly responsive and happy to know that you care enough for their child to try your hardest to help them break such a detrimental behavior.
In the end, all children are so extremely different there is no sure fire way to deal with a violent child. The best tools you have are your own knowledge, reasoning and deduction as well as patience, flexibility and communication. Be analytical, firm and know your own limitations. If you feel the child is beyond your control, make sure to voice that concern to parents or those in charge at your place of work. The only other thing you can do is your best to help break the child of their violent behavior while keeping yourself and the other children involved as safe as possible.
