A boy’s dorm is a dangerous place, what with the high levels of testosterone running its halls. Younger, less experienced boys need help increasing their survival chances in this home-away-from-home, so they won’t suffer from a “swirly,” which is when someone puts your head in a toilet and then flushes.
I’m guessing there are many questions about life in a boy’s dorm. But I’ve never actually heard any, so I made some up, with customized answers, to improve survival chances in either a high school or college boy’s dorm.
Question: I’m a concerned mother sending my beautiful son to a boy’s dorm located in the mountains. How many pairs of thermal underwear should I pack for him to wear in bed?
Answer: Never, ever, pack thermal underwear. One rule of boy’s dorm survival states thermal underwear should never be used for any purpose; even if there’s danger of frostbite. Accepted bedtime attire is regular underwear. If you pack thermals, expect them to be the only clean undergarments in your son’s possession. They’ll never be worn and therefore will never need washing.
Also, don’t call him “beautiful.”
Question: Why not? He is a beautiful son!
Answer: See paragraph one, paying special attention to “survival” and “swirly.” Survival rates of boys who’re called “beautiful” by their mothers are very low.
Question: I currently live in a boy’s dorm. I’m confused about the proper way to enter someone else’s room. Should I knock and wait for an answer?
Answer: Being polite enough to wait after knocking is a sure way to reduce your survival chances. There is only one accepted way to enter someone’s room in a boy’s dorm. You knock by kicking the door as you go in. However, if you’re highly intelligent (as indicated by the fact you’re reading this), then you should knock with your forehead while opening the door. The damage you inflict to your brain allows participation in whatever conversation is happening.
Question: Why does my boy’s dorm have group showers? I’m embarrassed every time I shower.
Answer: Survival in a boy’s dorm depends a lot on staying clothed when others are around, in order to avoid various pranks involving wet, rolled up towels. Dorm builders know this and helpfully create large rooms where boys must shower, naked, together. Does this make sense? Of course not, it’s a boy’s dorm. Obviously, it’s for the sick amusement of dorm builders.
Question: I’m doomed, aren’t I?
Answer: Glad I could help.
Question: The boy’s dorm bathroom always smells awful.
Answer: Please rephrase into a question.
Question: Oh, sorry. In order to ensure my survival, how do I use the boy’s dorm bathroom without passing out from its god-awful smell?
Answer: That’s better. You should hold your breath, unless you need to use the toilet, in which case we recommend using scuba gear for a supply of breathable air. Survival is more likely when avoiding the toxic fumes in a boy’s dorm bathroom.
Question: Speaking of toilets, why do boy’s dorm toilet stalls lack doors?
Answer: That’s simple. Another rule is: don’t sit down to pee. In order to facilitate enforcement, doors are absent so boy’s dorm residents can make sure that, when you’re sitting on a toilet, it’s for a good reason. For your own survival, when you have to “urinate” (to use the slang term), use a urinal. Conveniently, there’s only one working urinal at any given time, so flushing becomes optional.
Question: That explains the horrible odor in a boy’s dorm bathroom.
Answer: Now you’re getting it. Survival is a bit closer for you now.
Question: Once a week, some of the girls inspect the boy’s dorm rooms for cleanliness. The rooms are never clean, looking like city dumps. Why can’t most boys pick up after themselves?
Answer: In fact, they did clean up, approximately 2.57 minutes before the girls arrived. If you don’t see socks hanging from the ceiling lights, you can assume they’ve worked hard getting ready for inspection.
Survival in a boy’s dorm dictates soft buffer zones constructed from piles of dirty laundry, just in case a senior visits to “practice” wrestling. What appears to be a cluttered room is actually a strategically arranged safety structure. Landing on soft clothing rather than hard floors increases the survival of boys.
Question: Speaking of seniors, I received a letter from my son that he wrote while hanging upside down out a boy’s dorm window, held there by a senior. Why on earth does this happen?
Answer: The short answer is testosterone. I’m assuming your son is a freshman, and probably insulted this senior by saying something rude, such as “Hello.” Seniors are the alpha males in a boy’s dorm, and have intense concentrations of testosterone. To increase your son’s survival chances, advise him not to speak unless spoken to and avoid eye contact. Groveling is sometimes helpful, too.
After writing this guide, it’s looking like survival in a boy’s dorm may not be possible after all. I wouldn’t blame you if, rather than a boy’s dorm, you decided on a safer home environment, such as taking up residence with a wolf pack.
Again, glad I could help.
