What are the best Mitch Hedberg quotes and jokes? Mitch Hedberg is one of the funniest and most profound people to ever live and his quotes and jokes are told and retold. Here are, in my opinion, the best Mitch Hedberg quotes and jokes.
BEST MITCH HEDBERG QUOTES AND JOKES NUMBER ONE
A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap
BEST MITCH HEDBERG QUOTES AND JOKES NUMBER TWO
An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs. You should never see an Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order sign, just Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience.
BEST MITCH HEDBERG QUOTES AND JOKES NUMBER THREE
Every book is a children’s book if the kid can read!
BEST MITCH HEDBERG QUOTES AND JOKES NUMBER FOUR
Fettucini alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults
BEST MITCH HEDBERG QUOTES AND JOKES NUMBER FIVE
I bought a seven-dollar pen because I always lose pens and I got sick of not caring
BEST MITCH HEDBERG QUOTES AND JOKES NUMBER SIX
I don’t have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who’d be mad at me for saying that.
BEST MITCH HEDBERG QUOTES AND JOKES NUMBER SEVEN
I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car’s headlights and tell you exactly which way it’s coming.
BEST MITCH HEDBERG QUOTES AND JOKES NUMBER EIGHT
I like refried beans. That’s why I wanna try fried beans, because maybe they’re just as good and we’re just wasting time. You don’t have to fry them again after all.
BEST MITCH HEDBERG QUOTES AND JOKES NUMBER NINE
I once saw a forklift lift a crate of forks. And it was way to literal for me.
BEST MITCH HEDBERG QUOTES AND JOKES NUMBER TEN
I think foosball is a combination of soccer and shish kabobs.
BEST MITCH HEDBERG QUOTES AND JOKES NUMBER ELEVEN
I used to do drugs. I still do drugs. But I used to, too.
BEST MITCH HEDBERG QUOTES AND JOKES NUMBER TWELVE
I was at this casino minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, “You’re gonna have to move, you’re blocking a fire exit.” As though if there was a fire, I wasn’t gonna run. If you’re flammible and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.
BEST MITCH HEDBERG QUOTES AND JOKES NUMBER THIRTEEN
I wish I could play little league now. I’d be way better than before.
BEST MITCH HEDBERG QUOTES AND JOKES NUMBER FOURTEEN
I’m a heroine addict. I need to have sex with women who have saved someone’s life.
BEST MITCH HEDBERG QUOTES AND JOKES NUMBER FIFTEEN
I’m against picketing, but I don’t know how to show it.
BEST MITCH HEDBERG QUOTES AND JOKES NUMBER SIXTEEN
Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus, or just a really cool Opotamus?
BEST MITCH HEDBERG QUOTES AND JOKES NUMBER SEVENTEEN
My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.
BEST MITCH HEDBERG QUOTES AND JOKES NUMBER EIGHTEEN
My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana. I said ‘No, but I want a regular banana later, so… yeah.’
BEST MITCH HEDBERG QUOTES AND JOKES NUMBER NINETEEN
The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I’ll never be as good as a wall.
BEST MITCH HEDBERG QUOTES AND JOKES NUMBER TWENTY
You know when they have a fishing show on TV? They catch the fish and then let it go. They don’t want to eat the fish, they just want to make it late for something.
SOURCES
www.brainyquote.com
