Detective John Munch is played by Richard Belzer in the long running Law & Order: Special Victims Unit television series. Particularly known for his offbeat personality, conspiracy theories, and wisecracking. He has many of the best quotes from the Law & Order: SVU series. The following are many of his best quotes. Included below are lines from Detective Odafin Tutuola played by Ice-T, Detective Brian Cassidy played by Dean Winters, Detective Elliot Stabler played by Christopher Meloni, Detective Olivia Benson played by Mariska Hargitay, Detective Monique Jefferies played by Michelle Hurd, Captain Donald Cragen played by Dann Florek, A.D.A. Casey Novak played by Diane Neal, and Dr. Audrey Jackson played by Audra McDonald.
Det. John Munch: I was never much into sports. My high school basketball coach said I looked like a retarded gazelle with a spastic disorder. Mr. Daley. Real loving guy.
ADA Casey Novak: Do you know where Olivia is?
Det. John Munch: Word on the street is that she’s out having my love child.
[Looking at a map of New Jersey’s chemical sites]
Det. John Munch: Garden State my ass. I guess “Chemical Capitol of the World” didn’t have the same zing.
Det. John Munch: Isn’t it a little dangerous for you to be around all these helpless donuts?
Det. John Munch: If an overbearing mother and a distant father cause homosexuality, how come I’m not gay?
Det. Fin Tutuola: Maybe you’re in denial.
Det. John Munch: That’d explain a lot.
Det. Olivia Benson: We’re positive it’s him?
Det. John Munch: Unless there’s a white-van-driving, dentally-challenged, pedophile convention in town, I’d say yes.
Det. Fin Tutuola: Why do we always get stuck looking for the needle in the haystack?
Det. John Munch: Takes me back to the Easter egg hunts of my youth.
Det. Fin Tutuola: You’re Jewish, your parents hid eggs?
Det. John Munch: My point exactly, all those futile hours of searching.
Det. John Munch: We’re looking for leads on Deacon’s murder, not “America’s Skankiest Home Videos”.
Det. John Munch: Dodge Ball? Haven’t they outlawed this barbaric practice yet? … I literally weighed 98 pounds. I can still hear them. “Break the pencil!” I was a walking bruise.
Psychiatrist: We still have 45 minutes.
Det. John Munch: Well, I could give you a complete detailed account of my sex life … but, what are we going to do with the other 44 minutes?
Det. Fin Tutuola: I didn’t know you spoke Greek.
Det. John Munch: I have to keep some mystery, otherwise you’ll grow bored and stop loving me.
Det. John Munch: There are five stages of grief. Try not to go through all of them at the same time.
Det. John Munch: From now on I want to be known as ‘The Intrepid Detective Munch’.
Det. John Munch: I guess if I ever have kids I’ll have to call ’em “Munchkins.”
Det. Monique Jefferies: Is there anything you just accept?
Det. John Munch: Yeah. Compliments.
Det. John Munch: Once again, can I have your name and any aliases?
[Woman refuses to answer]
Det. John Munch: I hereby christen you Jane Doe number three.
Det. John Munch: Liv, Ashley called.
Benson: Is everything alright?
Det. John Munch: No, she saw the new N’Sync video and was sadly disappointed, as was I.
Det. John Munch: Let me do it. I speak ten-year-old.
Boy: I want my parents!
Det. John Munch: And I want the troops home, the Kyoto Accord signed, and a Tijuana oil job from Miss February.
Boy: Shut up, you dirty old man.
Det. John Munch: Who you callin’ old?
[After van is pulled out of the Hudson River]
Det. John Munch: Van tried to take a short cut to Brooklyn. The river got in the way.
Det. John Munch: I love the information superhighway, you can meet creepazoids from all over the world without leaving the comfort of your own home.
Det. John Munch: I don’t just want to rain on your parade I want to burst all your floats.
Det. John Munch: What’re the odds you have a picture of Senator Joseph McCarthy tattooed on your ass?
Det. John Munch: I don’t like to form attachments with people. They either get suspended or throw china at you.
Capt. Donald Cragen: You miss me?
Det. John Munch: Thank God you’re back, I don’t know how you do it. This job sucks
Perp: Oh, my God.
Det. John Munch: God isn’t going to help you, Reg. He doesn’t like fraud committed in his name.
Det. John Munch: Gonorrhea. The gift that keeps on giving.
Det. John Munch: Now I’m a pain in my own ass.
Dr. Audrey Jackson: Do you always deflect personal questions with jokes?
Det. John Munch: Do you always deflect jokes with personal questions?
Det. John Munch: If anyone needs me, I’ll be in the porcelain reading room.
Det. Fin Tutuola: Three marriages, no children, you ever consider adoption?
Det. John Munch: The kindest thing I could ever do for a kid is not adopt.
Det. John Munch: Does dealing with sexual deviance affect me? The answer is no, you can ask my blow up doll.
Det. John Munch: I took a coffee-appreciation course at the Learning Annex, turned out it was just a bunch of barista wannabes.
[During an arrest]
Guy: Please! Don’t Touch me!
Det. Fin Tutuola: Look here, we got ourselves a little racist!!
Det. John Munch: Well I’m a Jew, is that better or worse?
Det. Brian Cassidy: So why didn’t you ever have kids? Didn’t want the responsibility?
Det. John Munch: I wouldn’t want to give a kid the responsibility of me.
Det. Monique Jefferies: So you’re saying all women are whores?
Det. John Munch: Don’t be ridiculous. I don’t know all the women in the world.
Det. John Munch: Detective Tutuola, come and pollute your soul with some child pornography my friend.
Dr. Melinda Warner: I had to go out of country to find the answer … all the way to Israel.
Det. John Munch: Did my people help you?
Det. John Munch: Miss Webber was told to disrobe, put her feet up in stirrups, and try to picture David Hasselhoff on Baywatch.
Defense Attorney: Objection! Your honor, this witness is not qualified to testify on the treatment for hysteria.
Det. John Munch: Actually, sir, I am. Up until 1952, hysteria was one of the most commonly diagnosed illnesses among women. The medical treatment was hysterical paroxysm.
Court Reporter: Could the witness spell that?
Det. John Munch: O-R-G-A-S-M.
[Searching for a cat]
Det. Fin Tutuola: I don’t see a cat.
Det. John Munch: That doesn’t mean anything. They’re freaky little creatures. They lurk.
[After finding the cat]
Det. John Munch: Oh, there you are, you demonic little furball
Det. Fin Tutuola: Okay, you live like a monk. How come somebody wouldn’t have any pictures or knick-knacks around?
Det. John Munch: Some of us appreciate simplicity. Others of us lost the knick-knacks in the divorce settlement.
Det. Fin Tutuola: This guy, Jake, moves into his father’s basement with his new bride, Missy. Father walks in on them on their wedding night.
Det. John Munch: How is that animal cruelty?
Det. Fin Tutuola: Missy’s a German Shepherd.
Det. John Munch: That’s perfectly legal in twenty-six states.
[Visiting Det. John Munch in the hospital]
Det. Fin Tutuola: So where is it you got shot?
Det. John Munch: That would be in the ass. You wanna kiss it and make it better?
Dr. Audrey Jackson: Have you ever experienced any sexual dysfunction since taking this job? And I’d like a serious answer.
Det. John Munch: Once.
Dr. Audrey Jackson: Thank you. And when was that?
Det. John Munch: Not sure, but I think it was somewhere in the last ten minutes
Det. John Munch: Here’s a tip: aluminum foil. It makes a lovely hat and it blocks out the government’s mind-control rays. It’ll keep you guys out of trouble.
Det. John Munch: Do I look like Geraldo to you? Don’t lie to me like I’m Geraldo. I am not Geraldo!
Det. Elliot Stabler: Virginia, Detectives Munch and Cassidy will escort you home.
Virginia: Can I drive?
Det. John Munch: Well seeing as how you’re about as old as my partner, I don’t see why not.
Det. John Munch: Visit with Mom, evening of rape. What would Freud say?
Other Reading:
“Best Law & Order Jack McCoy Quotes
Best Law & Order Lennie Briscoe Quotes
Best Law & Order SVU Elliot Stabler Quotes
Best Law & Order SVU Olivia Benson Quotes
Best Law & Order SVU Fin Tutuola Quotes
Sources:
“Law and Order: SVU Quotes”, TVLoop
“Law and Order: SVU Quotes, TV1
“Sergeant John Munch Quotes”, IMDB
“Law & Order: Special Victims Unit”, IMDB
Reference:
- www.associatedcontent.com/article/6097402/best_law_order_svu_elliot_stabler_quotes.ht
- www.associatedcontent.com/article/6097424/best_law_order_svu_olivia_benson_quotes.htm
- www.associatedcontent.com/article/6097460/best_law_order_svu_fin_tutuola_quotes.html
