When you graduated from high school, your first thought was probably one of relief. But looking back on it now, you begin to wonder- what ever became of all those kids that made your life a living hell? You may not be aware of this, but it’s a proven fact that every high school in America had the same kids in it… well, at least the same types of kids. This is a guide designed to inform you of the whereabouts of all the fine young hooligans of your graduating class that made your teenage years a fight for survival.
Type of kid: This guy was the typical jock. He played three sports (and only one of them well). He was hard on the outside, but on the inside he stifled fears of acceptance and fought years of child abuse from his step father. He was always the first in line for the keg at your parties, and he could tell you hundreds of stories about his sexual exploits. He was the kid that would act friendly towards you when you were alone, but if he was around his group of jock friends, he would humiliate you and threaten to kick your ass.
Where he is now: The jock’s fall from social grace is always the furthest. He graduated from high school, mostly through feigning friendships with kids that were terrified enough of him to do his homework. He went to a Division II school for an athletic scholarship, but he dropped out after only one semester. He then attempted to attend community college, but in the meantime he found a full-time job at as a grocery bagger at the local Kroger. He gave up on getting his degree, and when the grocery store fires him in a year he will be flipping burgers at McDonald’s. Even though he is nearing his thirties, he still hangs around the high school sometimes trying to pick up impressionable teenage girls who need cigarettes or 5’oclock. Oh, and he is losing his hair.
Type of kid: Your standard cheerleader. In high school, she was the girl that developed early and had every guy after her. She was an absolute slut, spending weekends with 23-year old frat boys at the surrounding colleges. Ironically, she wouldn’t give any guys in your school the time of day- they simply weren’t “mature” enough. You could never prove anything, but there were rumors that she slept with your math teacher. She was the class vice president, she was head of the National Honors Society, and she organized your class float building for Homecoming. Still, she was completely unapproachable and a total bitch.
Where she is now: Wow. She totally let herself go. The cheerleader-type has been smoking since she was 15, and it is beginning to show. She is only 27, but she looks 45. She has gained no less than 40 pounds since her high school days, much of that having to do with the three kids she gave birth to. As a single mom, she has resorted to grinding a stripper pole for formula money. She got a communications degree from the local community college, but she won’t ever have a need for it. Turns out she was screwing around with your math teacher, and he lost his job because of her.
Type of kid: The goth one. He/she (who could even tell?!?) wore all black every day to school. He wore jeans with thirty-five pockets that dragged on the floor and sported facial piercings and mysterious tattoos. Until fifteen minutes after class started he listened to The Cure on his portable cassette player outside of the auditorium. Sometimes he would wear outlandish black mascara and lipstick, and rumors spread around the school about how he was into guys or she was into girls. This kid always talked about how dark life was, and how he was “spiraling into a black abyss.” He worked part-time at the mall selling band t-shirts to the same counterculture teenagers that he associated with outside of school.
Where he/she is now: As it turns out, the goth kid’s parents had tons of money. He/she (It?) was sent to a private Catholic Reform College in western Michigan where he got a degree in business management. He was busted for selling ecstasy at a Korn concert, but managed to escape with only two years probation. With the help of his wealthy parents, he opened up a Hot Topic to sell more band t-shirts. Currently, the goth kid is on tour with Slipknot.
Type of kid: The social recluse. This guy looked to be no younger than 25, and he sat silently in the back of every class. It was rumored that he was a transfer student from upstate, and nobody even knew his last name. You heard from a friend in gym class that the kid supposedly stabbed his own father. You probably heard him say a total of four words in your entire life. Sometimes you and your friends would joke about him bringing a gun to school. You also prayed that you weren’t on his “list”.
Where he is now: Funny enough, your impression about this troubled youth was exactly right. He joined the marines straight out of high school, served a four year duty in the middle east, and came back home even crazier than before. One quiet Tuesday afternoon he killed his elderly neighbor with a snow shovel and set off a pipe bomb in a Denny’s bathroom. He was arrested and it was discovered that he had been burying bodies of his victims in his backyard for over a decade.
Type of kid: The nerd. This kid played Dungeons and Dragons every day after school with his pimply-faced, greasy-haired friends. He was into Star Wars, Star Trek, and everything else to do with stars, wars, and treks. You were pretty sure he didn’t know what a vagina looked like. He took a bunch of C++ classes and was a whiz at math and science. Sometimes you would discreetly ask him for help on your chemistry homework, but you still always picked on him, considering him your social inferior.
Where is he now: Turns out he invented World of Warcraft. Now he is a multi-billionaire and you’re not. Damn.
There you go, all the kids you went to high school with. Some of them became something- most of them didn’t. And what about you? Well, you became nothing in particular, you fell short of all your dreams and aspirations, and the highlight of your life is that you produce content for AC! Don’t you wish you were 16 again?
