I’ve learned a couple of interesting things over the past couple of days while perusing Associated Content. After reading an article in the showcase by Timothy Sexton in which the claim was made that Jon Lovitz of Saturday Night Live and The Simpsons fame contacted him, I became intrigued. Apparently, Timothy Sexton had written an article called, “Why Did Jon Lovitz Beat Up Andy Dick in a Los Angeles Comedy Club?. After the article was submitted for non-payment, Jon Lovitz allegedly contacted Mr. Sexton and another article was released detailing the supposed communication titled, “Comedian Jon Lovitz Visits AC: You Never Know Who is Reading Your Articles”.These articles got me thinking. Oh, not about Jon Lovitz or Andy Dick — I honestly had no opinion of Jon Lovitz before this, and no one had to convince me that Andy Dick is a coked-out, colonic-crazed piece of work who I wouldn’t cross the street to see perform in a comedy club. What I was actually thinking while reading the articles was two-fold:
1. How the heck did Timothy Sexton get a clout number of 10, damn that is a lot of page views.
For people who write for Associated Content, you will know that a clout index of 10 means that you have gotten an insane buttload of page views. That is a technical term by the way. After some Nancy Drew on Timothy Sexton I realized that he writes an equally insane buttload amount of articles and that they are both interesting, easy to read and well-written. Lots of keywords like “Jon Lovitz”, “Simpsons Characters”, “Hollywood Celebrities”, and “Serial Killers” don’t hurt either. This CP works the search engines like a part-time job and knows it. No criticism here, he also knows how to write a good article.
2. How can I utilize Associated Content for my opportunistic goals?
I figure, if Jon Lovitz Googles himself or trolls Associated Content, maybe Bob Dylan does too. I know what you’re thinking. Jon Lovitz is one thing — albeit talented, he is just a B-list comedian who is past his prime. Of course someone who is slinging sandwiches for Subway probably has all the time in the world to cruise the internet! No offense Jon Lovitz, I appreciate your body of work but I think we can both agree you are not in the same category as Bob Dylan as far as legends go.
Now, coming to a decision about what own-name-Googling celebrity I would appeal to contact me was not an easy one. I consulted my husband who you can imagine, did not care. Like any wonderful husband with a loving but slightly eccentric wife, he supported my idea so long as he didn’t have to do anything or spend any of our money. After consulting a couple of glasses of wine, it became clearer. I would start with a process of elimination and whoever was left standing in my game of “Are you cool enough to have a free Associated Content article written about you by a stay at home mom in Orlando Florida” contest would be crowned winner.
The Elimination Process.
1. No drunken, twenty-something, no-underwear-wearin’, head shavin’, kid neglectin’, alcohol monitor anklet wearin’ Hollywood party girls.
This of course, rules out Paris, Britney, Lindsay, and most of my high school graduating class (save the Hollywood part).
2. No one I would have trouble respecting as a person based on what I have learned from People Magazine.
Look, if you want reliable information, E! television just won’t do, you’ve got to do your homework. Many an hour visiting my mom has been spent thumbing through her People Magazines studying celebrities in their natural habitat. Knowing who has the best beach body is not enough, you have to be strong enough to dig deeper — who wants to adopt a kid from Cambodia, who wore a tool belt and took pictures with common folk during Katrina relief, who drives a hybrid. These are the important issues. Seriously though, anyone involved in a scandal or gave me that embarrassed feeling was ruled out. It was brutal, 90% dropped like flies.
3. No Jon Lovitz Or Andy Dick.
It has been done. If I am going to ride on the shirt-tails of Timothy Sexton’s Jon Lovitz connection, the least I can do is pick a new celebrity. It would be extremely bad form to put out a call to Jon Lovitz and step on the toes of a fellow CP. Disclaimer: I can not be responsible for the actions of Jon Lovitz. If he contacts me I will route his email back to Timothy Sexton. As for Andy Dick, just….no.
After the elimination process I considered who I would want to contact me. Several people were in the running. Drew Barrymore is pretty cool and there is a likely chance she Googles herself just for fun. Maybe when she and Cameron Diaz are hanging out throwing back a few beers and being all awesome, they get online and see who’s talking about them. Then I thought, no, Drew is in an “I am Zen and grounded” phase (aren’t they all!) so I don’t think anything would come of that. I actually considered Ricki Lake too, she and I have very similar beliefs about parenting and natural birth (we both had homebirths). She is definitely a B-lister and is probably not getting many Google hits these days, so I thought I would throw her a bone. I reconsidered though. What, with “Hairspray” being all the rage and the fact that she was in the Original film “Hairspray”, there is probably a resurgence of interest in the formerly plump star turned talk show host turned natural homebirther. Besides, throwing someone a bone is no way to ask someone to contact you from an article you wrote about them for free.
After much thought or rather, hardly any thought and a couple of glasses of wine I settled on Bob Dylan. Who do I have a better chance of contacting me through Googling himself or by stumbling across Associated Content than someone who is old, rich, and weird? Sure, he is a legend and I have more affection for his music than people who were actually alive when it was first released. Being a crazy-talented legend though, is not why I am banking on Bob Dylan contacting me. I am hoping that because he has love-hate relationship with fame, a great sense of humor, and a healthy amount of ego, it will prompt him to respond.
I can picture it now: Bob Dylan has a few minutes to log on to his Imac before returning to counting his money or looking in the mirror saying, “I am Bob Dylan. BOB FREAKING DYLAN. I RULE.” He checks his email, looks at pictures of the grandkids on Flikr, sees how his autographed 8 X 10 glossies are selling on Ebay. Then get gets an idea: He wonders what people are saying about him online. He googles his name, too many hits. He decides to put “Bob Dylan” in quotes, where he stumbles upon my article. First he is insulted, then amused, then if he is feeling generous, contacts me and makes a dream come true.
C’mon Bob Dylan, throw me a bone. I don’t care that you went electric, I actually liked it. Besides, will you be able to live with yourself knowing you were one-upped by Jon Lovitz?
