Hi, and welcome to The Facebook! I’m Kory and I’m going to be your trainer on your first day working for The Facebook. Of course, we don’t like to think of it as work, per say, but during your employment here, you’ll have a few basic requirements, which we’ll go over during this course. As you may have already known, The Facebook was started in February of 2004 by his holiness, Mark Zuckerberg. At that time Mark was just a college student with the hopes and dreams of one day founding his own corporation. And now, thanks to his ingenuity, we have all been graced with the privilege to work for a wonderful company called The Facebook.
What’s that? Oh, of course, I love my job at The Facebook. You’ll learn to love it too!
Okay, now I’m going to go through some introductory ground rules. First of all, make sure you’re on your best behavior at all times. Although the corporate big-wigs hardly ever make their rounds here to inspect things, you’ll be expected to follow a strict moral code in order to provide a fun but respectful environment for you and your co-workers. We here at The Facebook don’t really like to refer to them as co-workers. We like to think of them as your friends (and you’ll get to keep track of them all on your friends list). Interacting and expressing ourselves with our co-workers is something The Facebook strongly encourages, but there is a fine line between funny and improper conduct.
Expressing our interests and sharing our feelings with one another is something that all makes us human, and rightfully so! But when we share things on a personal level, then that is crossing the line and The Facebook doesn’t look too kindly on those that toe that line. Throughout your employment, you’ll find that a lot of your co-workers like a good joke every now and then, but you’ll soon fine that outside-of-the-box thinking and originality is not taken kindly. You will have to adhere to a certain set of standards and practices that will be expected of you. For instance, posting videos from YouTube or displaying status updates with profanity is considered highly disrespectful. We here at The Facebook are only interested in one thing; ourselves. And once you distract ourselves from ourselves then you’re only out-casting yourself socially. If you do not adhere to this simple rule, then you will be ostracized and shut off from the rest of your co-workers.
Now, we shall go over the job requirements while working for The Facebook. Simply put, all you’ll have to do in order to maintain your employment here is to like things. What’s that; you’re surprised? Well, throughout your employment here, you’ll be expected to submit your approval over anything and everything that you come across on the internet. After all, we want to make sure you’re getting the right adverti- Oops, I’m sorry, I meant, attention. Yes, attention. We want to make sure that you’re getting the right attention while you’re employed here at The Facebook. Sharing your approval with your co-workers is all it takes to keep things well maintained and in working order. Now, I should mention that sometimes it might seem like your co-workers aren’t interested in your interests, and that is because they are not. I’ll be honest with you, your co-workers are only here to work for The Facebook, they are only concerned whether The Facebook approves of their interests, not you. Because working for The Facebook is much more than just a job, it’s a whole new way of life!
Now it is time for the tour of The Facebook. Right after the log in page, you will find your “News Feed”, which gives you all the latest updates and information about your co-workers. Disregard these. They are not important. What’s important right now is submitting something to The Facebook. For every time you log on, you will be required to submit something to your co-workers and await their approval. Why don’t you test it out? Offer up your first submission. Very good! You’re catching on quickly. While we wait for their approval, we’ll continue on with the tour. You’ll probably notice that your photo is set to a default white outline. Although, we like to champion uniformity, The Facebook has allowed to give you some leverage here. Why don’t you change your photo to a picture of you? Perhaps of you wearing a funny hat? But nothing too lewd. We don’t want to upset the sanctity of The Facebook. Now that you’re done offering up a visual image of yourself, so that The Facebook can better identify you, let’s take a look at the top of the screen where your notifications are. This will be the most important part of keeping you interested in The Facebook. Although, it doesn’t look like you have any notifications right now, you might in five minutes. So, keep checking and keep coming back!
Now let’s move over to your “Info Page”. This will be your primary focus while at The Facebook. This is your way of giving your profile the personality that it deserves, but nothing too outlandish; try to keep everything you’re interested in within the social norm. For example, if you’re interested in, say, silent films of the 1930s, delete that. That’s pretty lame and nobody’s going to approve of this. Try changing it to The Hangover instead. If you’re interested in, perhaps, Pee-Wee Herman, delete that. Somebody’s going to think you’re a child molester. Try changing it to Michael Jackson instead. Try to keep all your interests and things that make you unique within the scope of social-acceptability, or else you will upset The Facebook and your co-workers will desert you.
Oh, look, you received a notification! Let’s click on that and see what it is. It seems your friend Kurt likes your status!
Congratulations on your first successful day at The Facebook!
