Weddings probably have the most unwritten taboos and complicated protocol of an social event. Advice columnists read 1,000s of questions about etiquette, who’s who, and what to do. My advice is for the wedding guest on the protocol and wisdom of gift-giving.
I have attended just about every type of bridal shower and wedding. I went to one in which the guests were asked to bring ‘a dish to pass’ (and of course a gift). I’ve been to two complete white weddings for the same woman (to different men) in one year (she expected gifts and was registered at the second wedding,too).
I am also a frugal Hollander married to a cautious German. I am not stingy, just sensible. So here are some pragmatic thoughts on gift-giving for newlyweds both for the wedding and for the shower.
How does bridal registry work? The couple chooses 1-2 stores to register at. They look through catalogs and note items they’d like in different price categories. When a guest goes in to buy a gift (or shops online) she checks the list and chooses her gift. That item is removed from the list. The store offers coupons and gifts for registering and expedites exchanges.
How do I know what they want most? Usually, the couple rates items according to the things they need most.
Do I have to buy from a store where they are registered? No. But it does help to know what they need and what styles and colors they’ve chosen. If they are registered at a very expensive store, you can note what they want and look for it elsewhere. Also, as items are purchased, they will be checked off. This will help you avoid duplicates.
Can I buy from a different location of the chain other than the one where the bride originally registered and still use the registry? Yes, the information will be on the stores main computer and will be listed online.
I live far from where the wedding will be, but I want to send them a gift. What is the easiest way? Visit the website of a store where the couple is registered. You can access their gift registry online, order online and have it shipped to the couple or family. (Look for free online shipping coupons).
I’m afraid my gift will be duplicated. How do I let them know that they can exchange it? If you don’t buy from a gift registry, request a gift receipt for the item at the time of purchase. This lists all the vital information except price and credit card information (only the store has access to this). You’ll still have the original. Attach the receipt to the gift or put it in the card. If possible, let the couple know it’s there. I would only do this with people that I know pretty well.
How much do I have to spend on a gift so I don’t look cheap? That depends on three factors: you, the couple, and your closeness. You should never spend more on any gift than you can afford. Don’t spend to impress. I have given gifts that cost me under $10 or $15 that I found on sale, clearance or at a discount store that have been very well-received.
If the couple you are buying for has expensive tastes and is registered, the gifts will be listed by price. Choose an item you can afford. If they are asking for a $20 salt shaker that may be all they get from you. If the couple is so superficial that they judge you be the gift you give, their friendship is worth worrying about.
How much you spend also depends upon how well you know them and how well off they are. If you barely know the couple (even if it’s a relative), a simple gift will do. Also, give according to need. If the couple comes from a low-income family or are paying for their own wedding, and you feel you can do more, that’s a nice gesture. If your gift is just one of 1000s of dollars worth of presents in a very lavish wedding, save your money. I once received a thank-you note for ‘one of a few miscellaneous gifts; we didn’t know they were from’ (direct quote).
I have been invited to all three showers and the wedding. Help! I can’t afford four gifts! It is ‘protocol’ to invite certain people to every event surrounding a wedding (maid of honor, bridesmaids, mothers and grandmothers) If you know them well, are in the wedding party,or are a close relative and attended one or more of their bridal showers, you can spread your gift-giving dollars out and feel free not to attend all the functions or give several inexpensive gifts. I had four bridal showers and my matron of honor had two small children.
Are their any gifts I should avoid? Single use gadgets: tortilla maker, rice cooker, beverage fountain. Beware of personal taste items like pictures or knickknacks. Also, food (perishable and possible allergies) alcohol (other than maybe a bottle of wine), religious items if you don’t know their beliefs or affiliation, poorly wrapped breakables, gag or ‘adult’ gifts, or pets (don’t laugh, it’s been done!).
What are some good basic gifts? Here are some things you always need. Towels and wash cloths, everyday dishes, glasses, clocks, lamps, small appliances (blender, mixer, toaster, coffee pot, can opener) dish towels, occasional tables, folding chairs, pillows, cooking utensils and shelves.
Happy Shopping!
