With the worst of winter winding down, we’re still at the start of a fresh new year, but some of us feel we’re losing steam when it comes to keeping our New Year’s resolutions. While new diets and career ambitions are at the helm of many of our wishes for 2013, those of us who make commitments to improve our parenting practices have a unique incentive to stay the course: the better interests of our children.
Chances are, if you were born in the United States, spanking was a part of your discipline as a child. Today, according to the University of North Carolina Injury Prevention Research Center, more parents than ever before are leaving this practice behind in exchange for gentler forms of discipline as mounting evidence emerges, highlighting the negative and long-term effects of spanking. While studies show that spanking in America has lost popularity as a form of corporal punishment since the 1970s, the majority of United States citizens today still believe that it’s an acceptable– and often, necessary– method to use in child-rearing. What does that mean for us as a society?
Two points stand out: one, that spanking is a generationally-learned behavior that can be difficult to deviate from; and two, that many parents fail in doing so because they face a significant lack of support and resources. Sound familiar? There’s good news: there is actually a lot of help out there for those who are willing to seek it. If you are looking for answers about where to turn in your quest to be successful with a 2013 Stop-Spanking Resolution, then read on to find out our tips and where you can go for help.
Start local: Reaching out to your friends and family seems to be the obvious first step, but it can prove to be discouraging for many parents who are faced with negative responses or even backlash from grandparents, aunts, uncles and even siblings and friends who feel that spanking is the only way, or the “right” way, to discipline a child and give them appropriate boundaries. Even if you cannot rely on family members or the friends you have who may also be proponents of spanking, you can still build a local network of support, and you can start online. Katie Hines of Blair, Nebraska, runs a busy, growing local group called “Omaha Area Natural Parents”, and one of their tenants is non-violent discipline for children. OANP says, “We [. . .] discuss natural parenting topics and encourage comments from anyone no matter where you are on the ‘natural’ spectrum.
This means we will be posting alternatives to what the mainstream prescribes,” and lists gentle discipline as being among their topics of discussion and education. OANP supports all parents who are learning to discipline without the use of physical force. Like “Omaha Area Natural Parents” at https://www.facebook.com/OmahaNP, many local organizations to help you parent without spanking now have active pages on Facebook in almost every small city, and can also conveniently be found in virtually any major city through Yahoo! groups or meetup.com, such as http://www.meetup.com/Unconditional-Parents-of-Southbay/ , the meetup of Unconditional Parents of Los Angeles, a group which also has a focus on non-violenting parenting.
Houston-based www.learntoparent.org explains that “Through the LearnToParent movement, ESCAPE Family Resource Center is providing families with cutting-edge parenting techniques, including effective alternatives to corporal punishment” and add that most of their classes are available in English, Spanish and Chinese, and include children’s classes concurrently. Those are just examples of local resources in some areas. In all states, the Department of Human Services can point you toward free or sliding scale, income-based parenting classes and local support groups, or you can dial 211 for essential community services. The benefits of having a local support system for quitting spanking include being around others who discipline without corporal punishments and having others who are geographically available to build a face-to-face relationship with. If you decide to quit spanking but don’t know any others in the same boat, you may feel alienated or judged. Spending time with other families who choose to discipline without physical punishments can make the transition smoother and leave you doubting yourself less.
Know your facts: Many parents aspire to stop their spanking ways because they deal with feelings of guilt about it afterward or during, but they aren’t even aware of the science behind the anti-corporal punishment movement. In the face of adversity– even when it’s the face of loving family members who disapprove of gentler methods, or a stress-filled moment with your screaming kindergartener– many parents will cave and resort to what they know: spanking. Old habits die hard, after all. Researching the evidence that proves the harm spanking can do can sometimes be all the encouragement a parent needs to really forge a new path. Even though she had family support to use alternative, non-physical forms of discipline and experienced guilt after spanking episodes, Julie Green, a 23 year old mother of a 3 year old girl, says, “I didn’t know much about the longer-lasting side effects spanking can cause. I didn’t get around to learning about it. When I took the time to educate myself, I had a better perspective about the damage that could remain and how to make better choices. Willpower alone didn’t work, because I didn’t really know what I was dealing with or how bad it could really be.” Taking an honest look at the available evidence showcasing detrimental effects of spanking– spanning a broad range of troubling problems, such as lower IQ, higher rates of drug and alcohol abuse and aggression– can be an uncomfortable but necessary step for some parents to take in order to kick the spanking habit for good. The internet provides an abundance of places to learn accurate, current information on this topic, at sites such as www.nospank.net, www.stopspanking.org, and www.caica.org, the Coalition Against Institutionalized Child Abuse.
Have a plan: Don’t simply expect to keep your temper, never have a weak moment and never fall back on old practices. Have a plan, and do your best to follow through. Some people need to count to ten, leave the room or ask for help by having another adult step in, in order to have a brief cool-off period. The longer you go without spanking, the easier it will become not to rely on physical punishments. If you slip up and “fall off the wagon”, so to speak, don’t get too discouraged. Any reduction in spanking is an improvement and progress on the way to becoming completely spanking-independent. Don’t be afraid to talk to your children about your family making a change to non-physical methods of discipline and the reasons you feel it’s in the best interest of your family. This is a good lesson to extend among siblings, as well, and it’s one best taught as soon as possible. Try writing your plan down on paper and discussing it aloud with your spouse and/or family, and keeping it somewhere where you can see it. Writing down and stating your expectations of yourself aloud will reaffirm your commitment to them. Do this as often as you feel necessary, and admit when you slip up, but stick with your no-striking aspirations. Quitting spanking is a long-term goal.
Get creative with alternatives: Many parents find it useful to take a good look at– and sometimes readjust– their parental expecations. Do you get upset with your two year old for having a tantrum at the grocery store, only to realize upon further reflection that they’d missed their nap earlier, been stuck in the car for an hour and it was past their dinner time? Taking responsibility for your own part of parenting conundrums can give you a better perspective on what the situation actually calls for in terms of discipline. Fortunately, there are more ways to guide children away from inappropriate behaviors than ever before. From redirection, removal of priveleges and the best-selling “1-2-3 Magic” franchise to time-outs, time-ins and chore jars, the possibilities are endless for providing discipline without EVER getting physical. Visit the Center for Effective Discipline at www.stophitting.com for practical, applicable ideas on what you can do instead of spanking.
Reach out: Much like setting the foundations for a local support system, you can expand your connections with other peacefully-parenting families nation-and world-wide. Nonviolent parenting on Facebook, https://www.facebook.com/NonviolentParenting, connects over 27,000 people across America who are united against using physical force on children. Their “about” section reads: “Learn useful positive parenting tips and skills. Replace threats, bribes and punishments with active listening skills and conflict resolution” and includes a video to watch on the downsides of spanking children. Many parents who are lacking a local support system get the encouragement, advice and connections they need from others in that same situation using the dazzling wonder that is the internet today. Most parents who do spank were also spanked as children, and are usually unaware of the snowballing effect it could have had in shaping certain aspects of their personalities and how they live specific parts of their lives, such as influencing the way they discipline and raise their own children. Reading the stories of others who have been through the same things as children can shine a new light on the situation and the practice, and can even have a healing result. At www.experienceproject.com’s “I Got Spanked as a Kid” page, http://www.experienceproject.com/groups/Got-Spanked-As-A-Kid/200776, people can share their own stories of being spanked as children and read about the experiences of others, which some people find to be cathartic and insightful. Reading about the journeys of others and how they were affected by being spanked can add valuable perspective to your own parenting decisions as you consider things from another point of view.
Can you make 2013 the year you really stop spanking and keep your New Year’s resolution? Yes, if you know where to look and where to start. Undoubtedly, you will find your own resources and support if you seek them out, experimenting with new methods and finding which alternatives work best for your family, but if you follow our suggestions, you should be at a great starting place and well on your way to a fresh parenting start for the year ahead.
