Forgiving an abusive spouse can be difficult, especially after the emotional and physical experiences that you have had. You could be at a place where you are ready to forgive but are unsure how to go about forgiving. To help understand the impact abuse from a spouse typically has on someone and for tips on forgiving an abusive spouse, I have interviewed therapist Dr. Mona Gustafson Affinito, Ph.D., L.P.
Tell me a little bit about yourself.
First, and for a very long time, I was a Psychology professor, morphing into a department chair and specializing in the psychology of women, doing talks around Connecticut on ‘A Healthy Woman is a Crazy Person.’ Morphing again, I focused on my private practice as a licensed psychologist, listed on the National Register of Health Service Providers in Psychology.
Now, in the process of growing into my third career, I’ve added writing to my engagement in a small private practice in Chaska, Minnesota, Results so far: When to Forgive, Forgiving One Page at a Time, and ‘” my first foray into fiction ‘” Mrs. Job, plus my current unpublished project: Riding in the Back Seat: A Time Travelogue – 1929 to Sometime in the 21st Century.
In the meantime I’ve watched my son and daughter approach reduced rates on the restaurant menu and my grandson and granddaughter launch their adult careers.”
What type of impact can an abusive spouse have on someone?
“I confess I’m thinking primarily of the impact an abusive husband can have on his wife, but I have known of abusive treatment of husbands as well. I’ll list a few things.
One
The most damaging effect is the destruction of one’s sense of being a competent self. This seems to apply not only to stay-at-home wives who are metaphorically barefoot and pregnant, but also to spouses who are successful and competent in the outside world.
The feeling of worthlessness that results can easily grow into depression and a kind of vicious circle that may follow as people sympathize with the poor husband who has to put up with his wife’s depression, making of him the heroic caretaker who seeks help for her ‘illness.’
Another scenario: her lack of confidence in herself depletes her energy and her confidence in her skills as a mother, not only affecting the children directly, but also leading to their blaming her for the unhappiness in the household.
What I’ve described above may be especially exacerbated by psychological abuse, direct verbal put- downs, or implications of incompetence. In that case, the victim can feel crazy and quick to accuse herself of error in understanding her husband’s behavior. In this kind of situation, you might find the victim longing for overt physical abuse so others will believe her situation.
Also, there’s the general fact that authorities still are not totally on top of the reality of spousal abuse, but they certainly would not respond to a 911 call complaining the ‘My husband is being mean to me ‘” putting me down.
Two
And that brings us to a second effect – isolation. The victim is cut off from her support network, people who could tell her that what she is experiencing is not love, in spite of his protestations after the abuse. The first step for abusers is to cut the victim off from relationships with others. Even the successful professional woman is expected to return home to his ‘protection’ when her workday is done. Without the contact with her community, his reality becomes the one she knows, another step toward depersonalizing her even as he legitimizes his abuse of her.
(Back in the day, one popular song was “I want to get you, on a slow boat to China, all to myself alone.” What a romantic thought. People really believed that was a sign of true love, failing to understand that love supports the fullest growth for the beloved.)
Three
Loneliness, for which the victim blames herself as the vicious circle grows with her perception that she is not worthy of friendship.
Even more, the loneliness of being alone with her pain, including physical pain, as she covers up (sometimes literally with clothing that conceals her bruises) the abuse. There may be several reasons for covering up. She may:
1. Fear losing his financial support for herself and her children.
2. Fear that people will discover how really inferior she is.
3. Continue to believe that he loves her, in which case she will protect him from negative opinions about him.
4. Believe that her religion ‘” sometimes with the support of religious counselors ‘” requires her to tolerate the abuse.
5. Know, on the basis of past experience, that family or authorities will keep hands off the situation, giving her no help.
Four
Abuse messes up one’s beliefs about life’s meaning, morality, and predictably. Just remember that glorious day with the white gown and his devoted attention. Either one was crazy to believe then, or one is crazy to recognize now. At any rate, abuse is crazy making.
And the culture around us still believes in the Cinderella story. The chances that people would believe the victim if she told them are very slim. Then there’s the tendency to blame the victim. You must have done something to bring this on.’ And there we go, right back to the major problem: the victim sees herself as the guilty party.
What are some tips for forgiving an abusive spouse?
“The following are my tips:
1. Take action the first time you are abused. Don’t stay in the abusive relationship. It will just add to what you suffer and ultimately to the cumulative reasons to forgive if forgive is what you decide to do. If you want to make excuses for him, wait until you are safe.
2. Get shelter somewhere ‘” safe with friends or family, or ‘” in cases of imminent danger — a shelter for battered women.
3. Resolve that you will never again allow yourself to be abused, physically and/or psychologically.
4. Once you are in a safe spot, work at getting clear about what has happened.
5. Realize that he may change. The situation may not be hopeless, but it is hopeless if you simply return to the same old situation. There are programs that help abusive spouses to change, but they don’t offer quick and easy solutions. And don’t believe his tearful offers to be good if only you will come back.
6. Now that you’re safe, recognize that anger is appropriate but acting on it may not be.
7. Decide what you want for your own future, and what kind of strength you need to develop in order to get there.
8. Recognize that the forgiveness is for you, and maybe he will benefit too.
9. It’s probably true that you did something to encourage his abuse, most likely in ways you haven’t considered, like accepting it the first time it happened, telling yourself he has the right, believing you have no choice, or maybe something else. The advantage in looking at your own share in the responsibility is that it gives you something you can control, and that’s the beginning of becoming a stronger, happier you.
10. Recognizing that to forgive is to accuse. That is, there can be no forgiveness until you acknowledge that the treatment you received is wrong.
11. Know that to forgive does not mean to excuse. There may be explanations in his history and yours, but there is no excuse for one person abusing another.
12. Realize that forgiveness does not mean that you must reconcile with your abuser.
13. Forgiveness does not mean that appropriate punishment should not be administered by the justice system for a crime that’s been committed.
14. Forgiveness is not an easy process under any circumstances, but it can be done.”
What last words would you like to leave for someone that wants to forgive an abusive spouse?
“Be sure you know what you mean by ‘forgiveness.’ If you mean you want to excuse him, or find a good reason to return to him, then it’s danger, not forgiveness. Forgiveness implies that you have arrived at a clear decision about what you want to do with the situation. It can be done, but it’s not easy. Forgiveness requires hard work, but I guarantee that it’s more than worth it.”
Thank you Dr. Affinito for doing the interview on forgiving an abusive spouse. For more information on Dr.Affinito or her book you can check out her website on http://www.forgivenessoptions.com, or follow this link to her books on amazon.com http://www.amazon.com/s/ref=nb_sb_noss?url=search-alias%3Dstripbooks&field-keywords;=Mona+Gustafson+Affinito&x;=16&y;=16
Recommended Readings:
How to Recover From Domestic Violence
Domestic Violence: What Families Can Do to Get Help
Battered Woman’s Syndrome
