Back several months ago, I wrote an article for Associated Content on The Effects of Middle Child Syndrome. At the time that I wrote this article, little did I know that I would receive so many page views, comments and even private messages regarding this article. I was simply writing an article during a moment of weakness in my life, as I was feeling left out of a family function. So after all of the comments, both positive and negative, I felt I needed to elaborate more on this topic for myself and for many middle children out there. Most of what I am writing is in response to the comments and private messages I received.
I do not believe I was abused by my parents because I was the middle child or because I was the least noticed. My parents were overall good parents who I feel did the best that they knew how to do at the time. I’m sure like the rest of us, if we could go back and do some things over again with our children there would be many things that we would do differently. They taught me morals and a good strong work ethic.
Just because I talked about the realities of growing up as the middle child does not mean that I blame my childhood on my life today. As adults, we are responsible for our own actions and how our lives turn out. I do not condone or defend anyone who says, “I’m the middle child so that is why my life stinks”. I believe that if you want a different life, then you need to make different choices to get better results. I have spent my entire life working hard to be the best I can be but none of us are perfect.
My article on middle child syndrome was discussing the realities of what it was like and what it is still like being a middle child. We all have times in our lives when we feel hurt, misunderstood and unappreciated. I just believe that this happens more with middle children.
Middle child syndrome is something that we often hear about, but little is ever discussed negatively about the other birth orders. Why is that? Is it, as someone mentioned in my previous article, an excuse for middle children and adults to slack off? I don’t believe so. From my own experience as a middle child, I feel that I was driven to excel in everything I did and I was anything but a slacker. The stereotypes associated with each birth order are not a reason to give up on yourself or on your life.
Coming from a family of three children, I can see both the positive and negative sides of each birth order. The first born child is put on a pedestal and the most is expected from him or her. According to an article I read on CNN.com, the oldest sibling is considered to most often be a natural born leader and a problem solver with strong organizational skills. Because this is the stereotype surrounding the first born, parents can push the eldest sibling harder than the others. The oldest sibling in our household was also punished more severely than the rest of the children because the oldest is supposed to know better. The oldest sibling tends to have more responsibility than younger siblings.
The youngest sibling tends to be babied the most and because the parents are worn down by this point, discipline is usually less. The older siblings will often get into trouble for things the youngest sibling has done because the parents can’t believe their baby did something bad. In our household growing up, my youngest sibling was always in the most trouble at school and even as an adult struggled for years before settling down and getting serious about life. The birth order article on CNN.com states that, “Youngest children may suffer from other people’s assumptions that they are spoiled, stubborn, and manipulative.”
The middle child, once grown, tends to be the one to move the farthest away from the rest of the family. The middle child needs to find their own identity and feels they need to be away from their siblings in order to do so.
I believe that middle child syndrome exists because the first born has a clear cut role in the family, as does the last born. Even though there are negative sides to all three birth orders, the middle child’s role is more one of invisibility. I believe that many middle children would want to have their parents expect more out of them as they do the firstborns, or be doted on as the baby is. Any attention is better than no attention at all.
Parents and their children both can do things to help fight middle child syndrome. Parents should make their middle child feel as important as the other family members. Praise your middle child as you would your other children. Don’t leave them out of the loop on what’s going on in the family and in events. Listen to your middle child when they talk to you.
The middle child or adult needs to let the parents know how they are feeling. I’m sure most parents of middle children have no idea that their child feels left out, ignored and less important than the other siblings. As adults, we have to take responsibility for this as well. When I feel left out and unappreciated by my family, I need to speak up and let them know. With parents and children working together maybe middle child syndrome can become a thing of the past.
