“I hate you!” “I want a new mommy!” “I’m going to throw you in the garbage because I am so mad!” “You are not the boss of me!” “I’m going to tell my grandma on you!” These are only a handful of the words that have spewed out of the mouths of my two wonderful children. I can tell you that in those moments the words “wonderful children” did not come to mind. Fortunately, my experience as a clinical social worker has been helpful in my role as a mother. I have learned some crucial information about brain development, emotions, and impulse control. Here are some tips for any parent trying to maintain their sanity in the middle of a storm:
- Intense emotional expression is normal for a developing child. When a child feels mad or angry or even sad, their brain sort of sets on fire and they go into the survival part of their brain. This causes them to go into fight/flight/freeze reflex. So, a tantrum is actually their way of staying alive. Because they do not have the skills yet to realize that they will live through this emotion, they need help and guidance from someone (hopefully a parent) who is not having their own tantrum.
- Tantrums are an opportunity for a parent to comfort the emotion and then guide the child on how to respond to these strong emotions. For example, toddlers often tantrum when a parent tells them “no.” When the tantruming occurs, comfort the child and say, “I understand you are mad because you did not get what you wanted. That’s okay to be mad. It’s also okay to cry, jump, and stomp. I will be here for you while you are angry.” This does not mean that the child is getting their own way. It means that you are tuned into their emotion and helping them deal with it.
- Kids need a crisis responder. A tantrum means that the child is in an emotional crisis. Think of how you would want a crisis responder to respond to you. Would you want them to yell? Freak out? Tell you what you are doing wrong? No, most people want the crisis responder to be helpful, calm, cool, collected, and walk them through the necessary steps to get things back under control. Kids need the same thing.
- Take care of yourself. Just like the airlines teach that adults put on their air masks before helping others, this is true for parents and tantruming toddlers. If you are struggling, do not engage the tantrum. Most tantrums are not life or death. It is okay to take a little break and pull yourself together. Breathe, collect your thoughts, and create a plan for how to help your child in crisis.
Tantrums are not the easiest to deal with, but overtime they will become less severe, less intense, and less often. As your child uses language more, they will be better able to tell you what they need and express their feelings. This takes time, so be patient. You are well on your way to being an amazing crisis responder!
