So your thinking about joining the army! Uncle Sam says he wants you, right. Be an Army of One! Before you go and make such a life-changing decision here’s a few things you can happily look forward to.
1) The Army Recruiter-Still considered throughout America, the nicest guy you’ll ever meet. Thank goodness the Army lets you meet him or her, that one time, at the beginning of your military career. Who knows how you might have turned out had you not.
He or she will be the smartest person you’ll ever meet. Ask them any question and they know the answer. And if they don’t they’ll get right back to you with the answer. You’ll be glad to have known these folks, quite possibly the smartest people you’ll ever meet. They know so much about everything. They’ll never just tell you what you want to hear. And they always look out for your best interest.
2) Basic Training-Learn what it means to be reduced to sub-human status for eight short weeks of time.
Do you long for the day when you’ll be able to fold (6) pair of O.D. green socks exactly as a howling 6’6″ monster-of-a-man tells you how to-only to have him take them along with the drawer you placed them in so neatly and toss them as far as he can toss them over your head? Then Army Basic Training is the place for you. Nowhere else in the world can you get such personal, caring, attention than what you get when you agree to be trained by the Army.
Perhaps your cup of tea is learning how to shine shoes and boots. It’s such a rewarding occupation and an excellent skill to acquire. The Occupational Outlook Handbook states the future continues to look so bright for this must-have skill. Why just the other day I heard a report of how one man, after 45 years of shining other’s shoes at the airport, still looks forward to the end of the day when he counts up all those dollar bills folks “just give him for sitting at their feet and buffing out their shoes which so desperately need his expert skill.”
Maybe you’re the type that likes to be scared at the movies from a scary flick. From the first day when your drill sergeant matter-of-factly tells you very creepy-like, along with about a hundred others that “it’ll behoove you to be the first off this cattle truck and not the last” to the last day before graduation when that same drill sergeant yells at you ” you haven’t graduated yet-Private!” there won’t be a shortage of instances where you can suddenly find yourself breaking out in a cold sweat. No siree! As part of your “beneficial training” the army sees fit to try and keep you in a state of panic, worriedness, and readiness to act on a moment’s notice ‘out of fear’ of reprisal. Especially scary moments come when you haven’t completed some assigned task and you’re waiting motionless for the drill sergeant to make it to you during a platoon inspection of some sort. Oh the joy when he finds out you haven’t done something in the always-too-short allotted time. Or not the very specific way he’d have you do it. You want trembling? Get yourself into that “I’m so-scared-I-can’t-look position by joining the Army.
3) Advanced Training-Find out how you will make a difference in the killing fields.
If you long for the day when you’ll be able to learn a skill which, first you’ll have to use for the possible extermination of someone’s life, then make sure you join the Army. Only here do you learn first hand what it means to have a valuable skill taught to you with the agreement that you must first apply it in the practicing of death-dealing warfare. So if that trade-off doesn’t seem like a bad deal, be all you can be.
4) Permanent Duty Station-This is where your training really pays off.
If getting stuck in some god-forsaken place like a cave in Afghanistan with murderous haters of Americans all around or hunkered down for months at a time on some hill in a jungle overlooking a saddle(topographical term) waiting and daring some unviewable enemy to try riding through your sector of fire sounds like a great way to spend your time then the army is for you. You’ve gotten this far thanks to Uncle Sam. Now show him how much you appreciate what he’s done for you. If that means he doesn’t want you taking a real shower for weeks on-end, show him you want to pay him back-don’t do the bird-baths either.
So as you can see folks there are alot of things to consider when deciding whether or not to join the army. Hopefully this humor and sarcasm will add to your decision-making process. Just remember Uncle Sam loves you, even to death.
