Once, in my formative years of beer drinking, I purchased a 30 can pack of Red Dog beer. I believe I paid around $14, and this was a thrilling deal for a college student living off student loan money. Now I can look back and laugh, forgetting about the three month period in which the bottom shelf of my refrigerator was inaccessible because of the 24 remaining cans I hadn’t consumed the first night, featuring 24 oddly-shaped bulldogs snarling at me whenever I wanted a bologna sandwich. In that time, I bought legitimate brands like Miller Lite and would chug down a straggler can of Red Dog whenever my inhibitions were low enough to drink most any potable but antifreeze. Finally the day arrived when the last can was consumed, and I was able to take the empties back for a bottle refund. Evidentially, can-recycling machines are good judges of beer because even the machines seemed to refuse the empty cans.
In reality, this was probably due to the horrid-looking design of the can, which features an obscene mixture of red, black, and white, and was most likely designed by the same intoxicated bulldog who is the master brewer. These cans feature the unintentionally hilarious slogan “Uncommonly Smooth.” The only thing I can figure is that “smooth” is a synonym for “bitter.” The aftertaste of Red Dog makes the drinker wonder if a miniature bulldog is biting his tongue. I found this aftertaste so strong that I actually gagged while drinking one can, and I ended up dumping the rest of it out.
Shortly after my regrettable purchase, I started asking other people their opinions of Red Dog beer. Everyone I talked to either hated it or had never tried it before. A few people had never even heard of it, and I was in that category before I spotted the bargain pack of it during my aforementioned beer buying expedition. Apparently, Red Dog was popular (seriously?) during the 1990s, but then it kind of faded into obscurity, before recently springing back from the depths of Milwaukee.
Doing a little online sleuthing has supported my opinion that Red Dog is a low quality beer. The beer snobs at BeerAdvocate.com gave Red Dog Beer a paltry grade of D+, but I must add a footnote to this statement, seeing as they seem to give low grades to just about every mainstream beer. One review described Red Dog as having a “mildly acrid husk twang.” Mmm, “acrid.” As in “deeply or violently bitter,” according to Merriam Webster.
Probably now, after becoming a more experienced beer drinker, I could tolerate the deeply and violently bitter taste a little better. Notice I said “tolerate” and not “enjoy.” With its bargain-basement prices, Red Dog looks appealing to inexperienced drinkers who want a ton of brew for little dough (i.e. broke college students like me). However, it is completely worth it to spend a few extra bucks on a brand of beer that advertises on TV or at least doesn’t come from the fictitious “Plank Road Brewery.” By all means, if you have an iron stomach and/or a severely burnt tongue, and you’re just looking for bottom of the barrel beer, give Red Dog a try. Be forewarned that the “bite” may cause foaming at the mouth.
Sources:
http://beeradvocate.com/beer/profile/105/1207/
http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/acrid
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Red_Dog_%28beer%29
