A few months ago I was checking my groceries out at Walmart when the cashier asked me something I had never heard. “Why are you so happy all the time?” I said, “I’m not but I’m working on it.” The lady knew of my battles with cancer and my children facing health issues. She did not know I was hospitalized for a suicidal plan six years ago. She was facing a rough time in her life and could not understand my smile.
My memories of battling depression begin at age 12 and coincide with being bullied in school. Shy children make good targets for bullies and it feels like the public school experience will last forever to them.
Three years following my awareness of the depression, I faced a cancer relapse. I began to fear death but did not truly live. With each passing new year, I asked myself if I would be there the next. The cancer relapse stole what was left of my smile. I allowed circumstances to keep me depressed. I did not seek therapy to learn how to cope.
The unusual circumstance of having Cowden Syndrome but not realizing it kept my circumstantial depression activated. Because it was known I had cancer but not that I had Cowden Syndrome, every lesion that appeared inside my body had to be examined by surgery. At the end of 1993, I had surgery for a benign hemangioma on the brain. In 1994, I had surgery for the removal of benign breast masses. In 1995, I had the first of five surgeries for thyroid issues. The surgeries continued on average one or two a year. Each surgery brought fear of cancer.
When my daughter was an infant, my mind was so ran down by circumstantial depression and insomnia that I developed a plan to kill myself. I chose to admit the problem for the sake of my children and was admitted to the hospital for observation. Once released, I continued to live in the past and let fears of the future invade my happiness. I was in the midst of horrible depression and miserable.
My psychiatrist and I tried antidepressants without my realizing the depression was caused as much by situation as brain chemical imbalance. It was not until I was 32 years old that I began regular psychotherapy and was engaged in the process. My mother had been diagnosed with stage IV colon cancer. Her desire to live made me want to change my life. She died in November 2010 and now I want to live as much as she did. Choosing to cope in this way helps manage the grief I feel in missing her.
I continue therapy as a means to develop coping mechanisms for every day life. Yes, the cancer I was diagnosed with at age 9, 15, and 30 could return but now I can say if it does it will not have taken everything. I have hopes and dreams for myself and my children. I am living life and appreciating it. Sometimes the depression overrides everything but it will be a lifelong problem. When the storms get too bad, I grab my umbrella of faith and ride them out.
Currently I am fairly healthy, my children are fairly healthy, my marriage is a happy one and so I have a smile on my face. Circumstantial depression is something I will cope with for the rest of my life but now I am learning to cope. The smile is the first step.
