Lately, I’ve had a couple of money problems. In fact, “holy crap, I am constantly and consistently completely out of money” might be a better way to describe them.
To combat this, I’ve taken some dire steps that I wouldn’t have even considered a few months ago. I’ve been avoiding expensive foods, I cancelled my cable, and–gasp–I decided to cancel my Tivo.
The thing is, I had no idea how hard that this would be.
You see, Tivo isn’t the healthiest company in the world, and by that I mean that they’re also constantly and consistently completely out of money, so understandably they don’t want to lose clients. Apparently, to avoid doing so, they’ve hired two salesman trained to sell timeshares in the 1960s and fired everybody else in their cancellation department.
Here’s what happened.
I called Tivo, gave them my phone number, accidentally put it in wrong, called them again, this time correctly put in my phone number, and listened to an automated Tivo voice say, “We’re sorry, but due to extremely high customer call volume, the current wait time is at least twenty minutes. Please try our website or continue to hold.”
I’d already tried the website, and it had said that I needed to call (to “discuss” canceling), so I decided to wait.
About 15 minutes later, a representative picked up.
“Hey, Phil, I hear you want to cancel your Tivo service!” he said enthusiastically.
“Yep.”
“Well, I’m the right guy to talk to, because there’s no reason for that! Phil, can I just ask you, why, Phil, why? Don’t you like your Tivo?” I swear to God he said this. His voice was thick and syrupy like a car salesman.
“Well, uh, yes, I like it…”
“Then WHY, PHIL, would you want to get rid of your Tivo?”
“Well, I canceled my cable, so there’s no reason for it.”
A pause here. “Well, er, that’s a good reason. Can I ask why you canceled your cable?”
I bought a very expensive bath robe from a ’60s rock star and I need to save money,” I said, completely truthfully. That’s for another article, though.
A very long pause, now. “Well, Phil, I see that you were paying $12.95 a month with cable, and I agree with you…that would be a ridiculous price to ask from you, Phil, and I want you to get a good deal, so I’ll tellyouwhatI’mgonnado…”
“I just want to cancel the cable.”
“I’m going to offer you the service for $6.95. You can still use it with your antenna, and you won’t get as many channels…”
“You don’t have any control over how many channels I have.“
“…but it’s still a bargain. And Phil, you like your Tivo, don’t you?”
“Well, yes,” I said, again truthfully. They’re really nice devices.
“Do you like the way it feels?”
Now this call was moving into completely bizarre territory. This man was practically accusing me of molesting my digital video recorder, and I haven’t molested a video recording device since Betamax.
“Uhhh…..”
“Well, Phil, I just want to make sure you get a good deal. You paid a lot for that box, didn’t you?”
“Actually, with a rebate, it wasn’t that bad…”
“Of course you did. And you should still get some value from it.”
“I want to cancel the service.”
“Why don’t we just try the $6.95 plan…”
“No, no, no…okay, well, if you cancel the service right now, I promise that I’ll give the box to a friend.”
“But Phil, the friend won’t get the $12.95 plan you had. Your friend will get a $16.95 plan.”
Was he threatening me with a $4 increase? I couldn’t tell. Probably not.
“OK, well, then, I’ll give it to someone I don’t like.”
“Phil, is the box just sitting there and collecting dust?”
“Absolutely.”
“Oh, GOD.” I felt like a terrorist.
“CANCEL THE SERVICE, MAN!”
There was another excruciatingly long pause. “Well, okay, Phil, if that’s what you REALLY want…”
The total call time was 23:48. Now, I’ve had more time consuming service from the likes of Charter and such, but never have I been on a call that veered in so many weird connections. It’s like Tivo and I were breaking up—appropriate, since I spent more time and money on the thing than any girlfriend I’ve ever had.
But on the bright side, Tivo has finally stopped throwing bricks through my window begging me to come back. I really feel like we can move on, I can see other DVRs and Tivo can get new customers.
I’ll hold on to the good memories. Remember, Tivo…we’ll always have your crappy customer service. Always.
