There are many emotional issues involved when you love an addict. Any addiction is disfunctional and disruptive not only in the addicts life but to anyone connected to this person. Boundaries become blurred by feelings of guilt and shame. The guilt comes from not being able to provide the kind of help the addict needs to get better. No matter what you do it never seems like it is enough. Then there are people that sit on the sidelines and coach the ‘enablers”. How many times have you been called an “enabler”. Have you ever wondered why the “enabler” gets more flack than the addict? There is a common belief that if you take the enablers out of the picture the addict has nothing left but to get his act together. To a point this may be true. It is unwize to keep funneling money into someone for rent or food when that enables the addict to buy drugs or alcohol with his own money. It is difficult enough to watch someone you love self destruct without being criticized for continuing to love them. That’s where the whole mess really get’s sticky. You find yourself having to distinguish how to love and not enable the addict at the same time. How does one do this? There are twelve step programs that are designed to help the families of addicts.
Having been to a few meetings myself I can tell you that sometimes there are just eleven steps too many.Usually by the time a person is ready to attend a meeting to get help coping with someones addiction they are emotionally running on empty. Too many rules and steps can make a weary person find the whole process overwhelming. Is it possible to love an addict and keep your sanity? Yes, but only after you realize that you do not have anything the addict needs to get better. You cannot love them enough. You cannot give them enough money. You cannot make them hit the rock bottom that so many people say they must hit. The only way to keep your own sanity is by actually hitting your own rock bottom. It might happen when you are attending the third meeting in a week and commiserating with all the other weary ‘enablers” rehashing the same sad tale. My daughter stole my debit card again. “My son forged checks last month and my rent check bounced”. After enough of these meetings and talking in circles sometimes the light bulb does go on. All of the stories are the same all you have to do is change the names and there you have the life that you and the addict have been living.
When you hear someone say that they have been attending these meetings for fifteen years because their daughter is an addict you might wonder if you are looking at yourself fifteen years from now.
When you start asking yourself, “what am I doing here”? You are on your way. How much more time do you have to waste trying to fix the damage that was created in your life from trying to fix the damage that the addict created in his? If you want to keep your sanity while you continue to love an addict you have to love yourself more. Does that sound selfish? Maybe, but isn’t it about time? An addict is the most self absorbed person anyone could ever meet. The addict loves the addiction more than you. What have you really been loving in the addict lately? If you think about it long enough it will come to you. You have been loving the person that you used to know. Hoping upon hope that you will see that person come back to you. The addict counts on this and plays you. This is a revelation that cannot be heard or accepted by an enabler until they hit the wall. Mostly, because it is a painful awakening and may feel like defeat. If you are a parent it is difficult to know you are powerless to affect real change in an addicted child.
You can still love but set boundaries. If you don’t there is too much at stake. There are other relationships that can get lost in the wake of addiction. Marriages break up, other children may become angry and friends can get scarce. How much of your own life and other important people are you willing to lose? You must break your own addiction to the addict. Addiction is now called a disease. How much more palatable it is for society to now view strung out junkies as sick people. Ofcourse they’re sick. They are sticking dirty needles into their veins so they can get high! You have to be sick to do that. On the other hand it is also a choice. A person that develops cancer usually doesn’t have a choice. People that do street drugs or drink to excess choose the behavior.
There are all kinds of reasons that an addict has for becoming an addict. His childhood may have been terrible. He may have been abused somewhere along the line. People never praised him enough. The list goes on and on. Oprah was sexually abused as a child. Tina Turner, Missy Elliot, Christina Aguilera all experienced abuse at some point in their lives. Mental illness is often mentioned as the reason why addicts self medicate. Patty Duke, Jane Pauley, Jean-Claude Van Damme all live with bi-polar disorder. Brooke Shields, Dick Clark and Sheryl Crow have all spoken about their trials with depression. Babe Ruth, Ice T, Willie Nelson, Malcom X, and Eleanor Roosevelt all grew up in foster care. Sometimes life isn’t fair and some people do get more than the average share of troubles. In the end it is all about choice. How a person chooses to deal with difficult life circumstances is up to the individual. If the choice is street drugs, gambling or alcohol the difficult circumstance will get a whole lot more difficult.
Loving a person that has chosen this path is in itself insanity. An addict is not lovable. There are no endearing qualities that an addict can bring to any relationship. The person you once knew before addiction took hold has left the building. Their brain is altered by the chemical or addictive behavior for as long as they are actively using and sometimes forever. If part of your normal routine is regularly checking pockets, wallets, glove boxes, under furniture, in basements or the shelving in the garage for drugs or bottles you’re life is out of control. When an addict is spiraling down into the depths of hell he usually drags his loved ones with him. The only way to love an addict and keep your sanity is to let go. Letting go does not mean withholding love. It means that you choose to love yourself first and to get sane. Only after you have accomplished this can you achieve a healthier way to love an addict. You will come from a different place. A place of truth instead of guilt. Nothing good comes from guilt only shame. Once you can get real and step out of the craziness for awhile you can accept the truth of the situation. You will not find anything about the real truth of addiction on the face of a Hallmark card or a Norman Rockwell print. You may find it behind strategically placed pictures in homes that houses addicts where holes have been punched out of sheer rage. Addicts do not like to be held accountable for their actions. If you are in such a situation you are unsafe. It is not unloving to have an addict removed from your home for your own protection. In the long run it is also for his protection as it may save him from making a grave mistake that can never be fixed.
How many steps will it require to keep your sanity and still love an addict? One and it is a big one. Lovingly cut off any financial support. It is hard to break a pattern but it must be done. Lay out the situation in as little conversation as possible. Addicts usually are extremely good at selling their woes to the person who normally buys them. A few quick statements are all that is necessary. “I can’t afford to help you”. You don’t need a big argument or song and dance. “We love you but we don’t have anymore spare money”. Above all do not apologize or remind him of how much money you have already lost to him. He does not care. Once the money source is gone if the addict wants to continue his or her lifestyle things will disappear in your home. You will be robbed by your own flesh and blood. Do not doubt this for a minute. Don’t forget to live only in the truth of what you have lived and what you will continue to live if you don’t make the change to love this person differently. Most people are terrified that their loved one will become homeless. What is the real truth of that situation? Homeless people find shelters, clothing and free meals. America takes care of homeless people all the time. We house them and we supply them with medical care. We even provide them with free methadone to replace heroin.
I once had a woman describe her nightly ritual before bed to include praying for her son whose whereabouts were unknown. After praying she would mentally imagine herself wrapping him in a warm blanket every night before she went to sleep. She was loving her addicted son in a way that was healthy for her. She knew she couldn’t save him but she did feel comforted by this routine. She said it was difficult not knowing what was going on with him but that her life had dramatically improved once the craziness stopped. Her choice when faced with the reality that her son had not wanted to stay with sobriety was to finally take care of herself. With the knowledge that she had done all she could to the best of her ability and with all the resources she could muster she let go.
