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I’m Going to Work at Exxon Mobil

The Christmas holidays are falling fast upon us, and I’m sure most working-class Americans are eagerly anticipating that end of the year bonus which they so richly deserve; after all sustaining the backbone of the nation’s economy usurps a lot of blood, sweat, and tears.

So what’s it going to be this year I wonder? Some of us might just get the $2,000 we need to take that long overdue vacation to Hawaii. Perhaps a honey ham might be all the fruits of our labor this year. If we’re fortunate, some of us might get the $500 we need to wrap up last minute Christmas shopping. Or it might just be one more year of fruitcake and a bottle of Jack Daniels to show us just how much we mean to our employer.

Well when that magic hour finds some of us with a pat on the back and a ten pound Butterball turkey it might be time to consider new career digs. I’ll tell you where I’m going, Exxon Mobil Corporation.

This corporation sits high on Mount Olympus, apparently they must, having handed Rick Tillerson, their chief financial officer, 3.36 million dollars and 185,000 shares of restricted stock this year. Do some simple mathematics and that aggregate is valued right at 20 million dollars.

My god I don’t know about you but where in the hell do I sign up! This energy behemoth really knows how to take care of its people. A company like this is almost too good to be true so they must hold offices high in the heavens right?

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No more hams. No more fruitcakes. No more turkeys. No more coffee mugs. No more measly pittance. All I have to do is put two coins in my eyes, pay the ferryman, get into my small man-made craft, and journey down the river Styx all the way to the banks of this utopia where employees commute down golden streets.
Before making this immortal journey I had to be prepared. I started to research and unfortunately my empirical findings quashed my dreams of big bonuses.

To my dismay, Exxon Mobil doesn’t reign on high in the poetic sense. It’s very well grounded in the United States, galvanized by the black gold that runs beneath its foundations.

A phone call to my mom in Baytown, TX (where Exxon Mobil houses its largest U.S. refinery at least to my knowledge) further substantiated that this was indeed a fantasy. She informed me that she was an Exxon Mobil stockholder with a considerable amount of shares. She explained their could be a little heaven on earth if the shares split and doubled in volume. After all they’ve been fluctuating between $80 and $90 a share. The last time stock split was in the summer of 2001 right after my grandfather passed away. You’ll never guess what the value of shares were when they split? You give up? It was around $88. You’ll never guess who my grandfather’s employer was?

Exxon Mobil.

My mom and I both agreed, we’ll never realize a little piece of heaven as long as the likes of Rex Tillerson are paid 20 million dollars.

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Not so sure you still want to leave your current position? I’m not either to tell the truth. I realize that it’s the stockholders who own that corporation, not Rex Tillerson. If they’re lucky stock might split two or three times in their lifetime. So in the end, they are kept out of the bonus. Mr. Tillerson will keep raking it in. What is Exxon Mobil’s explanation? They say it’s because they have been producing record quarters, 29.5 billion last year.

I took the liberty to research Mr. Tillerson on Forbes.com. Just who is this mystery man? After reading his profile, he’s no different than you or I. He paid his dues with the corporation, but then again so did my grandfather, having vested 42 years of his life there. I wonder why he wasn’t chief financial officer at Exxon Mobil.
Rex Tillerson is just the hand-picked successor of another Exxon Mobil glutton, Lee Raymond. Mr. Raymond took his 400 million dollar retirement package and sailed off into the sunset.

So Mr. Tillerson, the question plagues us. What did you do to earn that bonus? The only thing I can come up with is perhaps you took the mighty wheel and steered the gargantuan hull just this side of another record-breaking lawsuit.

While we’re on the subject of bonuses maybe 20 million dollars is not enough. Here. Take my mother’s shares. You can take my brother’s shares as well. I’ll ask my neighbor two doors down if he’d like to acquiesce his shares. If somebody will provide a pedestal I’ll stand up and proclaim that every Exxon Mobil stockholder relinquishes his shares to you Mr. Tillerson.

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If anybody deserves a bonus it’s the American consumer. We deserve a bonus for paying for the daily raping they take at the gas pump. We deserve a bonus for stretching the family budget as thin as spaghetti. We deserve a bonus for patiently waiting through this protracted era of exorbitant gas prices and holding our head above the proverbial water.

While you are putting 20 million dollars into your bank account there are some of us out there who will struggle to provide a Christmas for our children.

Where is our bonus Mr. Tillerson?

I don’t know about the rest of you, but that ham is sounds good right about now.