Hey, ladies – you can squeeze into a bikini that’s two sizes too small and save the $100 you’d have to fork out for a new one with tips from a leading expert.
“It’s easy and fun,”Shara Zadora, the Rome, Italy-based author of The Frugal Fashionista (Shara Zadora, $29.95), told me in an exclusive interview.
All you have to do is gather up a few items that just about everyone has lying around the house – things like a broom stick, a long-handled shoe horn, lard, fatback, butter, a yoga mat, and lots of strong, premium-grade plastic wrap.
“Before you get started, it might be helpful to let your mind drift back to childhood and the story of The Little Engine that Could.
“When confronted with what appeared to be an impossible task – pulling a long train up a steep hill – he didn’t give up before he started.
“The Little Engine sucked in his gut, gritted his teeth and let those famous lines ring loud and true, ‘I think I can! I think I can!’
“And ladies, so can you.”
Here, from the author’s book, which is slated for a May 30 release, is a special 5-point plan to help you squeeze into last year’s bikini.
If you fit the profile of the typical American or European woman, says Zadora, your swimsuit will be two sizes too small thanks to the 12 to 15 pounds of shivering, quivering flab you packed on over the winter.
1. Start early. Slipping into your too-teeny bikini will be much easier if you start the minute you roll out of bed. For one thing, you won’t feel pressed for time.
Don’t forget,” says Zadora, “that we’re all just a little bit skinnier when we awaken in the morning because gravity both flattens and repositions fat while we sleep outstretched in bed through the night.
When you start tugging on your bikini bottom, that ‘little bit’ is going to mean a lot.
2. Work fast. Once up, gather your tools and get to work. Start by greasing yourself with butter, lard, petroleum jelly, fatback or any other lubricant you like.
“When you’re fully covered and slippery as an eel,” says the expert, “wrap your bottom and breasts with strong plastic wrap in the same way you’d wrap yourself in a towel or a sarong.
“Don’t yank it so tight that you cut off circulation and hurt yourself. ‘Snug’ is good enough. Watch the clock for five minutes, then, with your fat maximally compressed, move on to Step Three.”
3. Quickly peel off the plastic wrap and step into your one-piece or pre-tied bikini bottom one foot at a time. Now, pull the bottom straight up with all the “oomph” you can muster.
With your fat compressed, and your lubricant cutting back on resistance, the bikini just might slip right into place.
If it’s off a few inches, don’t worry. You can finish the job after you squeeze into your top,” Zadora says.
4. Pull your one-piece or pre-tied top over your head and position it over your breasts as completely as you can. Again, fat compression and your lubricant should make the job “do-able.”
As with your bikini bottom, if it’s not “hanging just right,” simply move on to Step 5.
5. Wedge your broom stick or a long-handled shoe horn between you and your bikini bottom. Once in position, push the stick or shoe horn away from your body. This will gently stretch the bikini, allowing you to position it for “full coverage.”
Do this as many times and in as many places as necessary to get the “just right fit.” Then go to work on your top.
Depending on your body type, it might be helpful to lie on your yoga mat for this stretching procedure,” says Zadora.
“That will change the ‘gravity dynamic’ and take some of the pressure off, enabling you to get a better fit more quickly.”
Advisory: Derek Clontz’s Wild World of News is parody and should be read and evaluated as such. All characters appearing in this work are fictitious. Any resemblance to real persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental.
