Do you frequently feel insecure? Do you feel that your feelings of insecurity are interfering with your goals, daily tasks and enjoyment of life? To help understand where feelings of insecurity stem from and how you can overcome feelings of insecurity, I have interviewed therapist Dr. Mike Monroe, Psy.D.
Tell me a little bit about yourself.
“Well, first off, I am a recovering insecuraholic. One of the primary reasons I became a psychologist was to figure out what to do when I would wake up in the morning knowing that I was the worst person in the world. I’m happy to say that I discovered that there is A LOT that can be done about this particular infliction. I playfully use the term “insecuraholic” to point to the fact that, from my perspective, one of the primary ways out of insecurity is recognizing and stopping the thoughts and behaviors that feed the condition.
Professionally I am a psychologist, consultant, and teacher based in Denver, Colorado. I am an adjunct professor at the University of Denver and a lecturer at the University of Colorado-Boulder. I work with individuals, couples, and groups in private practice. I also provide ongoing work with organizations to achieve goals, improve morale and productivity.”
Where do feelings of insecurity stem from?
“Think of insecurity as a wound. Just like most wounds they can come from a variety of sources. Psychologists often focus on the past because it is likely, when someone is having real trouble trusting themself that early experiences are involved. “Hurt people hurt” is a saying that can shed some light here. Many times the wounds of insecurity can come from being around people that are insecure themselves. These “hurt people” used those who had less power than themselves to try and feel good. Thus the wounds get passed on. Insecurity can also come from significant failures in activities that were important to us. Many times unrealistic expectations can play a role here. If I believe or those around me led me to believe that I should be able to win the Tour de France the first time I got on a bike then I am in serious danger of developing self-doubts.
What type of impact can feelings of insecurity have on someone’s overall life?
“The impact of insecurity can be analogous to living in a prison. A prison filled with particularly nasty guards. Most prisons in the United States have laws about how prisoners are treated. Not so in the prison called insecurity. It can be commonplace to be routinely humiliated, degraded, and demoralized. There is a saying that is helpful in this work: “The mind is a wonderful servant, a terrible master.” Often when someone is insecure their mind has taken on the master role with devastating results. Typical results can be someone feeling horrible about themselves and then limiting their participation in life. Most people are not super excited about going out to a party when they feel like they are the worse person in the world. The really sad part is that participation in activities is what makes someone feel good about themselves and exactly what they need. Thus there is a horrible downward spiral in which doubts restrict one from getting the help they need.”
How can someone overcome feelings of insecurity?
“The first obstacle, ironically, is your own insecurity. How do you believe you can get over insecurity when your insecurity is telling you that you can’t do anything? This is a problem. The number of psychological theories and approaches to insecurity can be daunting. The trick is to find the one that fits with you. A nice place to start is truly seeing that what you see is not what you get in life. Our minds do their best to present an accurate picture of reality, however all of us have blinders, biases, and downright delusions. It is possible that when you look in the mirror, hear your own voice, or evaluate your performance your mind might not be doing a good job. Think of insecurity as blue colored glasses. When you are wearing them everything looks blue. Now it is possible that the whole world turned blue the moment you put on the glasses. It is also possible that your mind is lying to you.
Imagine this: One night you are awakened by a loud knock at the door. You stumble groggily to the door and open it. A loud, brash bully who smells particularly repugnant pushes past you into your home. He starts yelling insults at you. “You are the worst person in the world!” “You can’t do anything right!” Obviously startled, you stand there trying to take it all in. What do you do? Sadly, people with insecurity have not only allowed this person to take up residence in their homes, but have also turned over the keys literally and figuratively to someone they wouldn’t say “Hi” to on the street.
A key place to start is to recognize this sad state of affairs and do something about it'”like now. Stop believing the bully’s lies, put them out on the street, invite over a friend who is stronger than this bully, throw pillows at him. It really doesn’t matter where you start'”what is important is that you start. By starting you not only believe but also live the message that you no longer believe the lies.
Once you recognize the sad truth that the prison has been composed of lies then act as someone would if they were set free from a life sentence. Get out there and do. Get involved with people who see you in a positive way. Choose activities that will create greater trust in yourself. Treat yourself with all of the care and compassion deserving of someone who has been falsely imprisoned for decades.
A final key is to recognize that feelings of self-doubt are normal and in many situations can be helpful to knowing how to navigate the complexities of life. Think of helpful insecurities as guardrails on the road of life. It is good, for example, if having no flight training, I do not enter the next commercial plane I am traveling on and try to fly the plane.”
What type of professional help is available for someone who has a difficult time overcoming his or her feelings of insecurity?
“A major obstacle in getting help is, again, insecurity. People who doubt themselves will often put undue faith in others. This is not good. It is especially not good when trying to find someone to help with your insecurities. There is a danger that you might get connected with someone who possibly unknowingly perpetuates the problem of you believing that you can’t trust yourself.
It is critical that you do your best to take charge of the process of getting help. Find a few therapists by way of recommendations. Prepare a few questions that you would like to have answered (e.g. what is your approach in helping people with insecurity? How many people have you helped). Then interview therapists until you feel you have the right fit. From the first session on make sure you are feeling like you are getting what you want from therapy and, if not, bring that up with your therapist. I often encourage clients who are having trouble with insecurity to think of the therapy office as a sort of gym where they practice and where it is okay to make mistakes.
I will also say that you do not have to wait to see a therapist to start to work on your insecurity. In fact I strongly encourage you to not wait. I often say that my primary job is to work myself out of a job. Identify one SMALL thing'”the smaller the better to start'”that you could do that would help you trust yourself more. Then go do it. Then do the next one and the next one and the next one. You’ll have more to talk about in therapy.”
Thank you Dr. Monroe for doing the interview on how someone can overcome feelings of insecurity. For more information on Dr. Monroe or his work you can check out his website on www.drmikemonroe.com.
Recommended Readings:
How to Boost Your Self Esteem After Being Single
Improving Self Esteem
How to Increase Your Self Esteem After a Break Up
