Many people feel depressed after a divorce. Life just doesn’t seem the same and the emotional drain from depression makes it difficult to often move forward with life. To help understand the impact of divorce and what someone can do to get over divorce depression, I have interviewed therapist Mark C. Yates, PhD.
Tell me a little bit about yourself.
I earned my PhD in clinical psychology from Fuller Graduate School of Psychology in Pasadena and an MA in theology from Covenant Seminary. I currently work at Fuller Psychological and Family Services as I fulfill my license requirements and transition into private practice and am supervised by Rick Williamson, PhD. In working with individuals, couples or families, I focus on helping on the level which is the most helpful at the moment, which sometimes is getting through a particularly difficult time in their lives and at other times has to do with the client’s ongoing questions of who they are and how to grow as a whole person.”
What type of impact can divorce have on a person’s overall life?
“Divorce is one of the most disruptive things that can happen in your life. Individuals often have high hopes for divorces, convincing themselves it will make their lives better. Despite the reality that divorces are always painful, it rarely solves whatever problems that already existed and create even more challenges; it does not, however, condemn anyone to unhappiness or sickness. Generally, divorce adds difficulties and takes away things that are normally helpful. I am assuming that this is directed towards people who have already divorced or decided to divorce, so my focus will not be on making that decision, but understanding and dealing with the consequences of what has already been put in motion.
The expected impact of divorce on your overall life is not good. The first and perhaps most concrete cost is financial: it is likely you will be relatively poorer than you would have been had you stayed married. Divorces rarely improve the financial situation of either party, and the legal fees alone can cost a lot (tens of thousands to hundreds of thousands of dollars), depending of the level of conflict and complexity of asset distribution and custody questions.”
“Losing a spouse will also mean you are losing significant protective factors against mental and physical illness. Single and divorced individuals tend to be more prone to depression and other mental illnesses and more likely to die younger. It is very important if you are going through a divorce to utilize all the other social supports that you may have, including family, friends, coworkers, religious/spiritual communities, health professionals and anyone else who is in your life. The better the quality and quantity of support you have, the more likely it is that you will heal. This is perhaps the reason why women tend to adjust better after divorces than men, because they typically have more and better support. The more support you have, the less likely it is that the negative health statistics will characterize you.”
What are some things about the divorce that people normally feel depressed about?
“I’d like to talk about depression and divorce for a bit here. Clinically depressed individuals may withdraw and find it hard to relate to others, thus contributing to a divorce; clinical depression also may be diagnosed after a divorce when there was already a risk for depression. Such pathological factors are clearly related to divorce. However, the expected emotional response to a divorce, which is a tremendous loss, is grief. It is common to “feel depressed,” although it is important not to leave out other feelings you might feel after a divorce. Some possible emotions associated with grief are: anger (“it’s all your fault!”), denial (“I know we’re meant to be together and it’s just a matter of time before we reunite”), guilt or shame (“what’s wrong with me?”), pain and sadness.”
“Returning to the question, it is important to acknowledge what has been lost. If you are divorced, there is plenty you might feel depressed about. You may find that you have less sex, eat more meals alone, have less money, and have lost the simple assurance that generally there will be somebody to sit with at the end of the day. Those are all things that contribute to a sense of loss and grief. There also may feel disappointed with how the real effects of the divorce are different from how you hoped they would be. For example, perhaps you imagined you would have much more sex as a single person but find out that sex often depends on a reliable partner.”
“On a deeper level, you may feel other kinds of loss. After many years of marriage, you may feel a sense of uncertainty about who you really are. When you organize your emotional life for years around being in an intimate partnership with somebody, you may find your core identity has become disoriented. It may feel as though a part of yourself is missing and you don’t know how to manage your feelings. While this is tremendously painful and scary, it also provides an opportunity to discover aspects of yourself that have long been inactive, and also rethinking your sense of purpose, goals and identity in the context of therapy.”
“It is also not uncommon to also have a moral crisis after a divorce, due to having to address your beliefs about what kind of person gets divorced. What will other people think of you? Or, more importantly, what do you think of yourself? You may have always believed that people who get divorced are somehow not as good as people who stay married, deficient or simply not as strong as people who remain married. Now you find out that you are not immune to the dangers common to humanity and that simply because you divorce does not mean you are somehow less than other people. Realizing this, however, can disturb your sense of whether you have been moral or successful, leading you to feel depressed about how your “aren’t as good” as you thought you were. Eventually you may find yourself more able to feel compassion for others (and for yourself) and to care for others with more freedom and understanding.”
“Lastly, you may feel your self-confidence has taken a blow. Everyone likes to think they can handle difficult things, but sometimes they find themselves overwhelmed by the challenges of an unhappy marriage. Just because this painful thing happened does not mean you should not be confident, despite how depressing it is that you made mistakes. You can learn from what went wrong and develop a stronger feeling of confidence, based on experience and new competence.”
What can someone do to get over divorce depression?
“There is no easy way to get over a depression. When there is a divorce, something has been lost. It always helps to have someone who can be your ally, without an agenda other than being on your side. A competent therapist can help tremendously in bearing the pain, regardless of whether it is “expected” disturbance due to the loss, or begins to start to look like a mental illness. If you find yourself unable to function normally, thinking of harming yourself, find your typical levels of enjoyment or motivation are absent, and/or it seems not to improve as time passes, it is important to consult with a professional.”
“There are many helpful things in addition to therapy, however. First, try to remember that your life has changed. This means that it is important to eventually let go of the way things used to be. This may mean doing things that represent change: clean out closets, make new plans, nurture old and new friendships, find new hobbies, and so on. In dealing with the emotional pain, try to afford yourself the space to feel whatever it is you need to feel, but also make sure you do not obsess on those feelings. As you can experience authentic feelings to what you are going through, remember that they are expected and temporary emotional states that can be let go of when you are done with them.”
“Reading self-help books can help organize your thoughts and develop a better story of journey towards healing. I suggest reading a good book several times rather than trying to read everything you can get your hands on. It takes a while for what you are reading to meet up with the reality of your experience.”
“Hold onto middle ground ‘” it is painful but it can change and things can get better. Trying to deny that your life has been disrupted in a huge way can keep you from working through the grief, but being a pessimist and taking too seriously the statistics can hinder your opportunities to grow.”
What last advice would you like to leave for someone who is experiencing divorce depression?
“Divorce is very painful, but it is only one part of the whole story of your life. Things most likely will get better. The more you do to try to seek help and support from others and the more things you do, the better it will be as you move through all the different emotions in the process. Often there is no clear answer to the question of why the divorce happened, although at times you will want to blame your ex-spouse and at other times you will blame yourself, and other times you will simply feel sad and confused. These are normal emotions to have. Making the best of a bad situation does not mean that the pain goes away, but your efforts to be brave in the face of the changes will help you and everyone around you become stronger.”
Thank you Dr. Yates for the interview. If you would like more information about Dr. Yates check out his website on www.markcyates.com.
Recommended Readings:
Helping Your Child Through Divorce and Separation
How to Handle Divorce Anger
How to Get Over Your Ex Wife
