People at Risk from Jealousy and Envy
Jealousy and envy can affect anyone and may exist within many types of relationships. Jealousy and envy cause problems betweens friends, partners, colleagues, siblings, and between parents and children. The reasons for jealousy and envy are dependent on cultural and individual beliefs regarding morality within the wider frame of social conditioning and expectations of society. Many people possess natural coping mechanisms for self preservation and for preservation of relationships when confronted with jealousy. However, just as many suffer negative consequences because they don’t know how to deal with jealousy. A major reason for this may be because people are unaware of the real causes of the jealousy. Also, jealousy is often confused or combined with envy.
Reasons for Envy
Envy results from the way we make social comparisons because self esteem is built by the comparison of self to others. Poor comparison of the self to others, either by self-interpretation or iteration by another, leads to a decrease in self esteem. Usually envy is felt only towards those we consider our peers or rivals. Those who are way above or beneath us socially, economically or politically do not impact on self perceived success or failure. The more unalike people seem to be, the less suggestion of inferiority when comparisons are made. Character and personality predisposition determines how an individual will react to feeling inferior to their peers. Some will become resentful while others will be motivated to compete and improve.
Malicious and Non-Malicious Envy
Non-malicious envy is characterized by the admission ‘I wish I had what you have’. This is not necessarily a negative reaction and may provide inspiration for personal growth or improvement. Malicious envy on the other hand is characterized by the admission ‘I wish you did not have what you do’. Here the intent is more negative and destructive and involves a delusion that another person is the cause of your unhappiness or lack. Resentment, anger and hatred may result from the perceived unfairness to the point where happiness is obtained from the other’s downfall. Social attitudes determine whether or not the resentment is justified. In circumstances where the person is unaware that their feelings of envy are unjustified, a lack of guilt may cause them to act outside boundaries set by society.
Reasons for Jealousy
Jealousy, as distinct from envy, occurs when a person feels threatened by the loss of a relationship considered important to their sense of self. This threat of loss usually involves a rival. Attention from a person important to us helps to create a sense of positive qualities in ourselves. Therefore when that attention is taken away by another, the sense of loss felt is a loss of part of the self. When this type of loss is realized it is termed fait accompli. A state of anxiety and insecurity may develop where the abandoned individual perceives that they are unable to live or function without the other. Suspicious jealousy on the other hand may occur when there is only a threat of loss of the relationship whether the threat is real or imagined. Fear, anxiety and anger are the major emotions involved. Jealousy may often involve envy of the rival or perceived rival.
How to Deal with Emotions of Jealousy and Envy
Check jealous or envious thoughts with friends to place the situation in a balanced perspective and to determine whether the feelings are justified.
Seek to understand the reasons for jealousy whether it be your own or that which is directed at you by someone else. Understanding someone else’s jealousy may help you to avoid problems or limit the impact.
Stop negative thoughts as they occur and attempt to turn them into positives. Force yourself to think positively and if necessary change the subject. Sometimes it’s all about perception and perspective.
Engage in activities that lead to a happy state of mind, especially activities independent of the people involved in the problem relationship to reinforce your ability to be in charge of your own happiness.
Burn off negative energy with exercise. Physical activity has the effect of lightening mood which can help in revealing a positive perspective.
Cognitive behavioural therapy may be very useful for those individuals unable to deal with jealousy alone, and provide coping mechanisms for learning how to deal with jealousy.
Source
Parrott, W 1991, ‘The Emotional Experiences of Envy and Jealousy’, in P Salovey (ed), The Psychology of Jealousy and Envy, The Guilford Press, New York.
