Are you feeling frustrated when it comes to your teen’s mood disorder? Are you unsure on what you can do to better deal with your teen’s mood disorder? If so you’re not alone. Many parents who have a teen with a mood disorder feel hopeless and helpless when it comes to handling their teen. To help understand the impact a teen’s mood disorder can have on a parent-teen relationship and what a parent can do to cope with a teen’s mood disorder, I have interviewed therapist Anna Valenti-Anderson.
Tell me a little bit about yourself.
“I have a private psychotherapy practice in the Phoenix, Arizona area. I am licensed as a clinical social worker and substance abuse counselor working in dual diagnoses, and I am also certified as a sex addiction therapist specializing in sexual disorders and intimacy issues. My approach is eclectic and I utilize EMDR (eye movement desensitization and reprocessing) as part of therapy when appropriate, especially for treating trauma.
What type of impact can a teen’s mood disorder have on the parent-teen relationship?
“Relationships between parents and teens are often challenging because the teen is attempting to “find himself or herself” as part of their normal developmental process, called separating and individuating. Some teens may be perceived as “being difficult” or moody or defiant during this time in their lives, because they may be pushing limits and boundaries, exploring their values, and discovering what they need or want for themselves and out of life. Many teens experiment with alcohol, nicotine, marijuana, cocaine and other prescription and non-prescription drugs, and sex, which are all mood-altering and potentially addictive.”
If a teen is also struggling with depression, anxiety or bipolar disorder, their lives can be excruciatingly difficult emotionally. Not only are teens dealing with fluctuating hormones during this period, they are also faced with the task of negotiating moving from childhood to adulthood, experiencing the stress of school, and dealing with peer pressure and fitting in. Throw in depression and/or anxiety and parents think they (and often the teen) are on a roller coaster, never knowing what to expect from one day to the next. A parent might think he/she can’t do anything right, or that the teen can’t do anything right, the parent may be walking on eggshells in order to keep the peace with the teen, or may notice the teen distancing from the parent and the family. The parent might want the teen to participate in family activities and when the teen withdraws the parent takes it personally. The parent might want the teen to become more involved in extracurricular activities and the parent becomes frustrated when the teen isolates and wants to be alone. If the teen is experiencing a lot of energy (as can happen with bipolar disorder), then the teen might be off-and-running all the time, seemingly never able to sit still or being present for the parent. Whenever a teen is having difficulty with sleep and appetite, racing thoughts, increased risk-taking behaviors, or feeling lethargic and unmotivated, the family also experiences the impact to what they have come to know as “the normal routine” and flow. Parents and teens might experience more conflict during this time if a mood disorder is present because the teen might become more irritable. Conversely, it is also not unusual for a parent to experience the teen as becoming “more clingy” at times.”
What can a parent do to cope with a teen’s mood disorder?
The most important consideration for a parent to remember is not to take the teen’s behavior personally, although this can be quite a challenge. It’s easy for a parent to think that the teen’s behavior is a direct result of “something” that the parent did or said, or perhaps that theres “something wrong” with the teen, that is not usually the case. The parent might also feel shame or guilt, experience confusion and grieve the “loss of what was expected” from the teen. The parent is still the parent (the adult) and it is important that the parent remember it is his/her role to stay in adult mode. Although it may be tempting to react and to jump into the drama with the teen, the parent needs to maintain his/her own internal and emotional boundaries. This means that the parent works at containing his or her negative reactions to the teen, such as blaming, shaming, becoming condescending or belittling, minimizing the feelings the teen’s having, or avoiding the teen because the parent is afraid of conflict. It’s a good idea for the parent to remember that a mood disorder is not “about” the teen and that the teen is not necessarily trying to “push buttons” and create difficulties. A mood disorder is created by a chemical imbalance in the brain, and it will not be helpful to blame the teen for having symptoms that they cannot control. Neither will it help to avoid the symptoms and hope they’ll just go away, denying that the teen needs help. Many teens do experience depression and anxiety during these formative years and find longer-term healthy ways to overcome the symptoms; however, there are thousands of teens that will experience severe mood disorder symptoms and could benefit from psychotherapy and medication. Learning to cope with the symptoms is a family process. The parent must learn how to cope, the teen must learn how to cope, and if there are siblings, they must learn how to cope with the changes and challenges of the illness without scapegoating the teen, or enabling and coddling the teen, with the disorder. Because mood-disordered teens are especially susceptible to mood-altering chemicals, they need to be educated about, and monitored for, the effect of alcohol and other drugs, caffeine and other stimulants, that can trigger depression or a manic episode. Proper sleep, nutrition, exercise, and a regular schedule become critically important in helping the teen manage his/her symptoms; not necessarily priorities for teens. Parents may need to set a more strict curfew and bedtime, limit household and environmental distractions (including enforcing telephone and computer usage), change the way everyone in the house eats or what is available for snacks, become more involved in exercise or a hobby with the teen, establish more structure for the family, and ensure that the teen is taking medication as prescribed.”
“As difficult as it is to let go of one’s expectations for someone else, and especially a teen, who is unfortunately often seen as a reflection of the parent’s needs, the parent’s first responsibility to the teen is to find ways to accept the teen’s diagnosis and what that means for the teen and for the family. Just as a healthy and loving parent would not shame or blame a teen for having diabetes, the parent needs to refrain from judging the teen for having a mood disorder, even when the parent (and family) are affected and are asked to make changes to support the teen (which subsequently supports the health of the family).”
What type of professional help is available for a parent who has a teen with a mood disorder?
“The parent should educate himself or herself about the mood disorder by seeking educational resources online, going to the library, and attending some type of support group for themselves. The National Alliance on Mental Illness website (http://www.nami.org/) can be extremely useful for parents and teens, and often NAMI provides local events or support groups to help parents and teens reduce feelings of shame and embarrassment and not feel “so alone”. It is often useful, at least temporarily, to find a therapist to talk to individually, with a partner, and also to explore family counseling with the teen (and sometimes other siblings). A parent’s path is not an easy one during the teen’s years. What I learned from Pia Mellody and her work was to help individuals understand the role and responsibility of parenting (how a child needs to have been parented and how they, if they were parents, need to parent their children). I teach this to my clients now and it is critical to having a sense of compassion, empathy and patience for others and themselves: to consistently reinforce to the child that he/she is valuable and enough just for being (versus doing); that the teen is physically and emotionally safe in the world; that the teen can learn how to maintain physical (external) and internal boundaries, which helps him/her take care of himself/herself; that the teen has legitimate needs and wants, which the teen can learn how to meet himself/herself and learn to ask for help; and that moderation supports healthy spontaneity, authenticity and a balanced life. For the parent whose teen has been diagnosed with a mood disorder, the parent’s role and responsibility to model appropriate behavior, guide, and direct does not change. The additional challenge lies in being able to do these tasks with unconditional positive regard for the teen who, at the core is precious and lovable in spite of the illness, and who, because of the disease, may require more direct and active intervention.”
What last advice would you like to give to parents who have a teen with a mood disorder?
“Because the journey you walk with your teen can be emotionally frustrating and physically exhausting, you must learn how to take care of yourself as well as supporting your teen. Remember that you didn’t necessarily “cause” your teen’s mental disorder, although the environment you provide does have an impact. There are ways you can help your teen manage the symptoms; however, you cannot control the illness (again, you have some control over the environment in which your teen lives, be that more or less stressful). Although there is no easy cure, never give up hope that change is possible with a lot of effort (both by you and your teen). At times you and your teen will cope more easily with the symptoms and your interpersonal relationship. At other times you, and your teen, will feel helpless. During those times it is essential to make sure you are getting enough restful sleep, eating healthfully, finding time for yourself and being with friends and other supportive people, and maintaining your own boundaries and balance. Remember that you love your teen and are responding to the challenges of the illness (which include behavior), so breathe and remind your teen to do so as well. Above all, remind yourself and your teen that many of his and her peers with the same diagnosis have learned to manage their symptoms, even during this most challenging time of life, and that your teen can go on to live a full, productive and happy life.”
Thank you Anna for doing the interview on how parents can cope with their teen’s mood disorder. You can learn more about Anna Valenti-Anderson and her practice on her website, saneresources.org (or annavalenti.com).
Recommended Readings:
Disciplining a Rebellious Teen
How to Help Your Teen Overcome Depression
Risk Taking Teen and Parental Behavior
