House-ism is the term used to describe some the hysterical dialogue spoken by Dr. Gregory House, played by Hugh Laurie, on House M.D. Here are some of the best from season three.
Is this an intervention? It’s a little late since I’m not using drugs anymore. I am however, still hooked on phonics.
“Cane and Able”
Come on, he’s old, sick, tiny! We can do whatever we want to him!
“Informed Consent”
Why can’t you be more like the age-inappropriate girls who have a thing for me? Just accept me for me.
“Lines in the Sand”
This conversation is over, because I’ve officially run out of clever things to call the guy.
“Que Será Será”
(In a whiney voice) House’s house of whining. State your complaint.
“Son of Coma Guy”
Everything is conditional. You just can’t always anticipate the conditions.
“Son of Coma Guy”
Person with the money makes the rules. Or in this case, person whose friend’s with the person with the money, makes the rules.
“Son of Coma Guy”
Deep inside, Wilson believes if he cares enough, he’ll never have to die.
“Son of Coma Guy”
I knew that cleavage was a smokescreen. You’re a genius.
“Whac-A-Mole”
This is my office, I’m talking, there are people here who work for me, but not listening. Explain this to me.
“Finding Judas”
You know what else shuts down systems? Death!
“Finding Judas”
Look, there’s Jesus. Go tell the Romans.
“Merry Little Christmas”
You could throw a dart at all the adjectives between “arrogant” and “unhinged” and I’m sure you’d hit one that describes me.
“Words and Deeds”
I told you never to call me when I’m on trial.
“Words and Deeds”
Haven’t you ever seen an Afterschool Special? Dawson’s Creek?
“One Day, One Room”
Who’s here for a runny nose? (After a couple of people raise their hands) It’s a cold! It will get better. Go home!
“One Day, One Room”
Hi again. And I’m sure I could say this without being condescending, but then you’d get the false impression that I respect you, so… you’re a kid, you’re scared, you’re stalling, grow up.
“Insensitive”
I was curious. Since I’m not a cat, that’s not dangerous.
“Insensitive”
You could have left the scarf at home and just told him that you’d be wearing a look of desperation.
“Insensitive”
Did you come for my feelings? Because I left ’em in my other pants.
“Half-wit”
And find out the truth about who he’s been dating. No way a Marine goes a year without getting some blood on his bayonet.
“Top Secret”
Don’t make this about me, this is your humiliation.
“Top Secret”
My real patient is dying, very quickly, like, I wouldn’t advise her to buy any green bananas.
“Fetal Position”
So you take thousands of photos of someone, but only one has to look good. Kind of the opposite of my business.
“Fetal Position”
I know you can’t talk, so I need you to look petrified if you consent.
“Fetal Position”
You can’t just shoot everything down, Chase. You’re not me.
“Fetal Position”
Tell the pilot to dive until we can club baby seals out the window.
“Airborne”
I’m trying to listen to you now, so shut up.
“Airborne”
(To the mother of a crying baby) Give her 20 milligrams of antihistamines. It could save her life. Cause if she doesn’t shut up, I’ll kill her.
“Airborne”
A guy gets a little somethin’-somethin’ and a couple of kids have to die… it’s the circle of life.
“Act Your Age”
Never is just “reven” spelled backwards.
“Act Your Age”
Dudes only go to plays if they’re dragged there by women they want to see naked.
“Act Your Age”
Did you look at her knees? Those knobby things in the middle of her legs.
“Act Your Age”
Loss of free will. I like it. Maybe we can get Thomas Aquinas in for a consult.
“House Training”
I’ll be in my office. By myself. Lots of porn piling up on the Internet. It doesn’t download itself.
“Family”
What is the point in being able to control people if you won’t actually do it? It’s like training a dog and then letting him go on your rug.
“Family”
Where’s that smile? Where’s that laugh that’s sunny, but not enough to contribute to global warming?
“Resignation”
Look, you got two choices. Engage me in a futile argument then do what I ask, or just do what I asked.
“The Jerk”
You are one evil cunning woman. It’s a massive turn-on.
“The Jerk”
How come God gets credit when anything good happens?
“Human Error”
How can we tell him there’s no hope if we don’t know why there’s no hope?
“Human Error”
House M.D. is from Heel and Toe Films, Shore Z Productions and Bad Hat Harry Productions in association with NBC Universal Television Studio. The show airs on FOX.
