When I don’t tell my boyfriend what I want for Christmas, or my birthday, I always end up with a weird ‘surprise’. Most of the time these surprises I think he buys because he likes them, and knows if he buys it, he can use it.
This past Christmas under the tree sat a lot of nice things from him, and I noticed a big box all prettily wrapped. I wondered what on earth it could be. I opened the box and held in my hands a Homedics Therapist Select Kneading Shiatsu Neck Massager.
Okay, why he bought it, is beyond me. It seemed to me that this was something he wanted for himself because I never ask for massages or care to have one. Him on the other hand always wants a good massage. I knew this gift was for him, but wrapped in disguise for me. What I didn’t understand though was why he didn’t just buy a simple massaging wand, why the hell did he buy this large clunky piece of plastic. It seems that in order to get a good full body massage from this hunk-o-junk another person had to manual it. I sure as hell wasn’t using my arm power to massage his back, with the gift he bought for me. I hated it at the get go.
However I couldn’t act like a bitch, I had to at least ‘pretend’ to like it. I opened the box, and began to hate it more. It has a plug in attachment, and the God for saken thing must have weighed at least 5 pounds or more. It is shaped sort of like a large uncomfortable plastic pillow. There are two kneading fingers attached to the area where you are supposed to lay your neck. These kneading fingers however are as hard as rock, and all that protects your neck from getting slammed on is a thin piece of fabric. It looked like a torture trap. Hidden within the box was also this pathetic blow up pillow in gray. I blew up the pillow, and tried attaching it with it large suction cup to the machine. It didn’t stick, so basically this extra little gift was a waste of natural resources. Crap.
It has 3 settings, but the machine does not tell you what they are, when I turned it on their was one difference in the 2 massaging settings. All it did was rotate in the opposite direction.
I plugged the Neck massager in and placed my neck down on it. I fumbled with trying to turn it on by myself. Turns out it was nearly impossible, so Raymond had to flick it on for me.
And…. Ooooooohhhhh OOOwwww…. Son of a &^*&$#!!!!!
Just as I imagined, the friggin’ thing is a torture machine. It hurt like hell. I was going to need a massage after this, a real one. Raymond then picked the large machine up and held it by its 2 handles and ran the machine down my back. A little to fast, so the fabric felt like it was burning, as the 2 rock like fingers worked at my back. It was not a pleasant feeling, nor was I enjoying it.
After 2 seconds of ‘my turn’, it was now ‘his turn’. Just as I suspected.
I struggled holding the heavy machine as I ran it around his back and body. My arms got tired fast, and I gave up on it quickly. I then told him to return it, and that it was a waste of money. He vowed up and down though that it felt good. Whatever. I don’t know who he expects to hold this troubled machine up while he ‘enjoys’ it. Sure as hell ain’t gunna be me.
I plopped the heavy hunk of plastic back in its box and gave it a little kick. The piece of garbage has sat in it’s box ever since Christmas collecting dust.
I think about it every now and then when the box stares me down, why the hell did he buy it? It may have been the advertising he read on the site, thats honestly all I could think of.
What Homedics promised:
The best part of most back rubs is the deep kneading thumb pressure on your tight muscles. Unfortunately, usually your massage buddy’s thumb muscles tire out before your neck muscles fully loosen up.
The Kneading Shiatsu Massager simulates the hands of a professional massage therapist. It lets you easily relieve the tension in your neck and shoulders with its powerful mechanical “thumbs.” Large rubberized handles make it easy to hold when you want to target other areas, like arms, legs, feet, etc.
Well, well, well, the massage therapist never gets tired!? Hah! What about the poor bastard that has to hold this thing up and maneuver it around their partners body? Maybe my ‘fingers’ won’t get tired, but my arms sure as hell do.
Overall:
I’d have to say that this massage machine is a giant bulky waste of money. It is available now at www.homedics.com for $49.99, but in my opinion steer clear of it. Buy a simple massaging wand, where you don’t have to burden other people to work on you.
