I do have some fond memories of my youth, but they are often clouded by the havoc my father’s untreated mental illness wreaked on our family life. Bipolar disorder can devastate families if left untreated, and the impact on children is life long. I grew up thinking that emotional chaos was normal, and thus, had a lot of obstacles to overcome as an adult. If untreated, the world of a bipolar parent is full of delusions and can leave lasting impressions on children.
Bipolar disorder is a hereditary mood disorder that can cause both depression and a condition called mania. Mania can be an elated state of extreme joy or a violent raging anger that takes over. Mania can cause the affected person to require less sleep, and can even prevent a person from seeking treatment if the mania is pleasing. Mania can also cause the affected person to make rash financial decisions, go on shopping sprees, to be sexually promiscuous, or even commit crimes just for the thrill.
Affected persons can also experience delusions of grandeur or think they have super powers. Bipolar disorder is common among those with artistic temperaments. Bipolar individuals can also have “mixed states” which are a combination of both mania and depression. Many bipolar people are hospitalized for their condition intermittently throughout their lives. Bipolar individuals also have a suicide risk greater than ten to twenty percent of the population.
My father grew up with his own childhood trauma. His mother was chronically bipolar and schizophrenic and he was often left with his grandparents as she went in and out of the hospital. I think this caused a lot of anger and resentment that festered inside. He grew into a very controlling, jealous, insecure, and angry man. He also had his moments of hypomania or euphoric bliss that perpetuated the illusion that he was normal.
His ups and downs confused his family for a very long time. He could be having a normal conversation and all of a sudden, he would explode in anger. Other times he was joking, and laughing providing comic relief, but often going too far. He would have embarrassing inappropriate outbursts of anger or jokes in public depending on his mood. It was hard to deal with, because children need consistency and my household was never consistent. Some days he was violent and abusive, and other days he would be generous and loving. We just never knew what to expect.
He finally began treatment when I was in high school, but the damage had already been done. He had been suffering for many years and continues to suffer until this day even while on medication. Bipolar disorder is a devastating disease and I have found his to be degenerative. It seems my father gets worse as the years go by. It is really sad and despite his illness, I love my father dearly. Last year during the holidays, my father was hospitalized on and off for a period of three months. He attempted suicide, by overdosing on his medication. I lived in constant fear that he would succeed.
My parents divorced two years ago, and my father’s disease was partially responsible. It is very hard to deal with the behavior his disease causes him to exhibit, and it is a struggle just to speak with him sometimes. Sometimes his behavior can be extremely upsetting. It took me a while to forgive him for some of the things his disease has caused him to do, but I love him and want him to get better. I hope someday there is a cure for this kind of illness. Bipolar disorder is a disease that has the power to wreck the affected person’s life, and possibly the people around them if they can’t understand the disease.
Mental illness often has a stigma attached to it because it is something that is hard for people to understand or even comprehend. I learned to love my father and recognize that it was not him, but the illness that ravaged my family life apart. I often wonder if I ever have children if they will be subjected to the torment that has infected my father’s brain, and I have decided not to have children for fear they may be plagued with this illness too. This illness is so devastating and misunderstood. All I can do is hope that someday science will discover a cure, and that way other families don’t have to suffer as mine did.
