My husband’s Grandmother is 99 years old. She is a wonderful lady, who, until last year- lived in her own apartment. She now lives in an assisted living facility. I volunteered at a nursing home for six years as a teenager, and visiting Grandma has brought back many memories of those days. I had forgotten what insular communities they are. Because most of the residents at these facilities aren’t able to get out much, the home largely becomes their world. The littlest things, like what’s for lunch, or which nurse is on duty, can become all-consuming to a resident. The smallest nicety can brighten their day so much.
It can be very hard to buy a gift for someone living in an assisted living home. The residents often aren’t alloted much space for personal items, and at every home I’ve ever been to, there are incidents of theft and loss, either by staff or other residents. In general, when planning a gift- think of something small, inexpensive, or sentimental. Anything having to do with a hobby they can still enjoy is great. I would send nothing of great personal or monetary value, unless the resident really wants a special item in particular.
People living in assisted living facilities and nursing homes really run the gamut as far as condition goes. Some are alert, sharp as tacks, and indignant as hell that they are in the home to begin with. Others are the social butterflies of the facility, happy and content. Others barely know where they are, and some are basically catatonic. Some people shift back and forth from lucidity to dementia, sometimes very quickly. You just have to roll with it. Don’t fight them when they start not to make sense. It just confuses them and upsets them. Just nod and go along unless they’re saying something really outrageous, and even then, tell them gently. It’s hard to know what the best course of action is sometimes, but when in doubt, still treat the resident like a respected adult! I have seen residents roll their eyes before when someone speaks to them like they are a child, when in fact they are probably still more intelligent a quick-witted than the person speaking to them! Some people are there for physical infirmities, some for mental infirmities, some for both. Just smile and be respectful to everyone, and you’ll be fine. And remember, this could, and probably will, be you one day. Many people don’t visit as often as they should because the facility makes them uncomfortable. I’m sorry, but put your big boy pants on and deal with it. Visits and outside contact are a lifeline to residents, and they need to feel as if they have not been forgotten!
Some successful gifts we have given:
I made Grandma a small photo album of pictures from our wedding. I made sure to include several good shots of her from that happy day, as well as pictures of her whole family, so that she could point out everyone to her friends at the home. I put a personal note in front about how much we love her. She was so happy to get it that she cried. She said she couldn’t wait to show it off to her friends, since she’d told them all about the wedding already.
Photos are always good gifts. One good things is to have an attractive photo of the resident in their glory days, or a family picture from those times. Not only is this a happy memory for most residents, it is kind of cool for nurses and volunteers to get a glimpse of who the person was so many years ago. One of my favorite residents back when I was volunteering had been a nurse (and a knockout, she looked like a 40’s movie star!) and she loved to show me old photos of how life was back then. Whenever I looked at her after that, I could also see the photos of the young nurse in my mind, and I was glad I got to know both how she was now, and how she had been as a young lady. Obviously, only display photos of people who will make the resident happy, if they still grieve deeply over someone, a photo may not be a healthy thing to have displayed.
Fresh flowers are great, and maybe a houseplant for men. Small houseplants are good in general, as they give an alert resident something they can tend, something to talk to. Make sure any plants or flowers don’t have bugs in them before taking them inside. If you visit often, re-use the same vase and refresh the flowers when you go. It doesn’t need to be an expensive or extensive arrangement. Even a few wildflowers from the side of the road in a simple vase can really brighten up a room.
Some residents, especially ones who had dementia type issues, really love their baby dolls. Several of the ladies back when I was volunteering had life sized doll babies, who they sang to, and fed empty bottles while all lined up in their wheelchairs at the nurse’s station. It seemed a little sad, but as I got used to the sight, I realized that these babies gave these ladies real joy, and a purpose. A baby doll, teddy bear, or another stuffed toy, might be just the thing for some residents. Once you give them the doll, on subsequent visits you can bring a new outfit, a bottle, etc. The joy of life size baby dolls is that you can purchase newborn clothing for them, you can pick up a couple of cute dresses very cheaply at yard sales or a thrift store. Make sure the dolls don’t make noise, are clean, and can be cleaned.
Some residents really love books. I took one gentleman a bag of science fiction paperbacks once, and you would’ve thought I came in with a bag of gold. Most of the reading material in the facility at that time was comprised of romance novels and ladies magazines, and he was thrilled. Large print editions are available for many popular books. Library sales are a great place to find large print editions cheaply.
For Christmas, Easter, and other holidays, it can be great to get residents a little decoration for their room- or a wreath for their door. We gave Grandma a trick or treat bucket full of candy a few weeks before Halloween, so she could offer any staff or visitors a piece of candy (or sneak a few for herself!)
A visit with your pet can be wonderful for a resident. Many residents have had to leave their pets behind when entering facilities, and would be so pleased at the chance to visit with a dog or cat. Obviously, only do this if your pet is friendly and trust-worthy- and if you plan to bring them inside, check with the facility first! Many will only allow certified therapy animals. Otherwise, on a nice day, if you have a dog (or a cat who is leash-able), bring them to the facility, leave them in the car, and then wheel or escort your resident outside for a quick visit. I’ve seen practically non-responsive residents who had remarkable moments of clarity and joy when an animal was put in their laps! Likewise, if you have a family member who will be entering a facility, please help them make arrangements for their pets. It will give them great peace of mind to know that their pet is going to a great home when they have to leave. Contact rescue groups if no one in the family is willing to take the pets. A good rescue group will help you place the animal in a good home (please, give them as much warning as possible, so that they will not have to utilize a foster home while looking for a permanent home.) Many groups would also be happy to send your resident a short note giving them a general idea of who adopted their pet, and maybe even a picture or two. Handling the arrangements to basically “give” a dear friend away is more than overwhelming to many elderly people. A little help and compassion in this area, even if you’re not an animal lover yourself- is one of the kindest gifts you can give them.
Likewise, bring your children to visit! Residents LOVE to visit with kids. Depending on the facility you are visiting- please be aware of what they see, there are things in nursing homes and assisted living facilities that children just shouldn’t be exposed to. Residents might be unclothed, or not well, or in a world of their own. There are several residents at Grandma’s facility that say very upsetting things, or reach out and try to grasp people who are walking by. When I was a child, a resident caught ahold of my arm, and wouldn’t let go- and scared me quite a bit, another resident exposed himself to me a few years later. I’m not trying to scare you into not taking your children along- really, I’m not. It can be a wonderful experience for both the resident and the child! Just be aware that nursing homes and assisted living facilities aren’t always pleasant places, and children are often not prepared to deal with situations that may occur. Just keep your eyes open and stick close to them, and it will be fine.
Some residents love puzzles. Books of crosswords, etc. can be bought at dollar stores, or save the ones out of the newspaper. Large print puzzles are available as well. Newspapers themselves are a great gift for avid readers. If you visit weekly, take them your stack of weekly papers, and remove the previous weeks. Don’t let newspapers pile up.
Get them a subscription to a magazine they might like. Not only do they get something to read, they get mail!
A “just because” card dropped in the mail can be a nice small gift too. Residents love getting mail. A bunch of small “thinking of you” type gifts, spread out over several months, are better than one large gift. They give the residents something to look forward to. Make sure you’re not cluttering up their room , it’s amazing how quickly cards and other little “get well soon” teddy bears can clutter up a resident’s small space, especially if they are sharing the room with one or more other residents.
If they are allowed to have this (and their roommate doesn’t mind), an air freshener or a spray can of room fragrance can make a room feel much less institutional, and much more home like. They also make flameless candles that run off of batteries that can add a little light to a nightstand without a risk of fire. Some residents feel more comfortable having a flashlight by their beds in case the lights go out.
Ladies like things that make them feel pretty. A tinted lip balm, a new nail polish, or a new hair clip can do wonders for a lady’s self esteem. Many residents might need help with the nail polish. Why not take a little time and do a manicure or mini-manicure for them and paint their nails for them? Blush also a hit with residents. Older ladies really seem big on the blush. Hand cream is always a nice idea. Gentlemen might like aftershave.
A shawl or small battery fan can also make a nice gift. Since residents don’t usually control their own heating and air conditioning, they are often a little hot or cold. A pretty shawl is easy for a resident to put on themselves, and much easier for someone in a wheelchair to handle themselves than something with sleeves. A small table side fan, if allowed, can provide both cooling relief and white noise at night to help a resident sleep better. Lap or throw blankets are also good. They now make throw blankets that allow you to use any picture on of your choosing. A nice family photo throw or collage would be a great idea.
Many stores sell insulated coffee cups that allow you to insert your own artwork inside. Have the grandkids draw pictures to insert, or do a collage of family pictures (make your collage, then make a color copy to insert into the cup). Many residents like to always have water available nearby, and this is a good way to keep it cold and provide them with a little love and encouragement to look at whenever they want.
Sometimes, when a resident first enters a facility, a nice thing to do would be to attend events with them. Check the facility’s activities calender. If they don’t know many other residents yet, and aren’t familiar with staff, they might be hesitant to go to new activities. Offer to go with them (most activities personnel won’t mind- but you many want to give them a head’s up in advance) so that they’ll have someone to talk to, and if they want to leave, or need anything- you’ll be there. Hopefully, they’ll then feel comfortable enough to attend on their own, and will make new friends in the process!
Inexpensive jewelry is also a hit. Ladies love their pins and broaches. One surprising hit was when I showed a resident (who had been chatting with me about my earrings a week earlier- and had told me she could no longer wear earrings because her ear lobes were ” too old and droopy”) a pair of the plastic stick on earlobe supporters that allow people to wear earrings more comfortably. You would’ve thought I brought in the coolest invention man has ever come up with. Several of the ladies wanted to try them, and it caused somewhat of a sensation among their group of friends.
Residents that have a sweet tooth love when someone visits and brings them the occasional candy bar. Be sure to check with the nursing staff to make sure it’s OK with their diet first. Some residents can’t have sugar, some can’t have solid foods, etc. Some can’t even have water unless it is thickened to prevent choking. Check with a nurse before giving your resident anything to eat or drink. If it’s OK, bring them an ice cold Coca-cola, an ice cream cone, or whatever suits their fancy. Have the pizza guy or Chinese delivery meet you at the front door of the facility, or bring food from home. Try to reserve a room beforehand where you can have some privacy with your resident, noting brings in a swarm of vultures like ordering in food from outside! Allow them to invite their roommate or a friend if they wish. Residents don’t have many ways to show appreciation to each other materially, and sometimes they get great pleasure out of inviting their room mate or friend “out” with them. If your resident will be eating with you and not in the dining hall, make sure to let staff know, so they don’t think your resident skipped a meal, or try to make them eat twice!
Does your resident have a favorite TV show, but get upset because it’s not on but once a day, or is on a channel that the facility doesn’t carry? Buy them an inexpensive DVD player and a DVD of their favorite show or movie so they can watch it whenever they like. Make sure it is set up to be easy to use. If you pay for cable for your resident, see if you can’t get a digital video recorder, so that you can record shows for them to watch, or set up shows to play at certain times.
Buy them an easy to use MP3 player and load it with their favorite songs. Make sure to include ear phones. Older people seem a little confused by the ear bud style, and want the bigger, headband style earphones. A cheaper option is a small FM radio with earphones. The little FM radios can be found at many dollar stores. You might want to pick up a couple of extra sets of batteries for them too.
Some ladies really like hats. One lady in particular had a memory that was failing, but almost always had one of a set of several very fancy feathered “church going” hats on her head. She was otherwise pretty disheveled, usually in sweats and with a far away look in her eye. But when you’d compliment her on her hat, she’d smile and touch her hair like she was getting ready to enter the town beauty pageant. And after awhile I realized that all I really saw when I looked at her was the fancy hat and her smiling face. I didn’t notice anything else. She felt her hats made her beautiful, and in fact, they did. Some gentlemen might like a fedora, or ball cap.
If your resident has a hobby, bring them stuff to encourage their hobby. Bring them yarn for knitting, a new sketchbook, a new book on birdwatching, more yarn for knitting etc. Encourage their interests. When a resident loses interest in life, it’s a visible, and heartbreaking. It’s like the light goes out in them, like they give up. Fight against this happening to your resident. If their eyesight or health has started to fail, try to make accommodations to keep them involved with their hobby as long as possible. Keep them involved in daily life, in your family’s lives, in current events. Encourage residents to still give back to the community when they can. It’s a great way to keep them feeling useful. If they knit, maybe they could knit mittens for kids in need? Maybe the residents can sell some of their crafts in the gift shop to raise money for a cause (or even a day trip?)
See if they are allowed to have a small goldfish or beta fish. You will likely be responsible for feeding, cleaning the bowl, etc. yourself, but it can be a great small pet, and something to look at all day. Make sure your resident will feed it, or that you will be around enough to feed it yourself. A kind staff member might be willing to do it for you, but that’s not really in their job description.
If your resident uses a walker, do they have a walker organizer? Kind of like a fanny pack for walkers, an organizing bag is strapped on to hold a book, tissues, their glasses, or whatever else they want to carry with them.
Another idea for avid TV watchers is a pair of headphones that allows them to listen to the TV late at night without waking their roommates. With any electronic, no matter how simple, make sure it is installed properly, and that your resident knows how to work them before you leave. It’s very frustrating to residents otherwise.
If your resident is physically capable, take them out for short excursions. Go get an ice cream cone. Take them to the mall and let them pick out a new outfit. Go to the grocery store. I can’t imagine living 24/7 in the monotony of an assisted living facility, especially if I was still physically capable of going out, and had the mental will to do so. Take them to your child’s soccer game. Even if they get tired a half an hour into it, and need to go back and take a nap.. trust me, they’ll likely be talking about the game with their friends for the next couple of weeks. Even a short walk (or roll) around the parking lot of the facility or through the garden outside might be a nice change.
One nice thing to do for residents is to ask them if there is anyone on staff that has been especially good to them. Then buy a small, token gift for the resident to give to that person. Ask beforehand, sometimes staff are not allowed to accept any gifts, no matter how small. Small things like homemade candies, a thank you card and cookies, or even a small gift certificate to the sandwich shop next door are probably OK, but check with senior staff to make sure your resident’s kind gesture doesn’t turn into an embarrassment for them. This also lets the supervisor know what a good job they are doing, which will also probably filter back down positively to the staff member. Let the resident give the gift to the staff themselves. When I volunteered, sometimes residents tried to give me things, sometimes valuable things, because they wanted to show their appreciation for my visits. I always declined, but thought it was sad that these residents wanted so badly to show their appreciation, but couldn’t, because it obviously was upsetting for them. You can also show your appreciation for the whole wing (or unit’s) staff by bringing in a fruit basket, a bunch of cookies, a cake etc, with a note saying something like “Thank you for all you do” – Mrs. Widmore and family.
Be especially nice to the night nursing staff. The bulk of problems seem to come up on that shift, they usually miss out on all of the luncheons and celebrations anyway, and getting in their good graces never hurts. Simple “thank you’s” as you are visiting are also very helpful. Staff at facilities are often underpaid, and stressed because of staffing issues. Many positions have very high turnover, and a nursing home is a high stress, and very emotional environment. Family members often ignore or order staff around, and residents that have dementia or other issues can be very verbally, and physically abusive to staff. It’s not an easy environment to work in. When you see them do something nice for your resident, thank them.
If the facility where Grandma was in now was high school, I would probably be known as both a butt-kisser and a troublemaker. It’s kinda my philosophy when it comes to being an advocate for someone in a home. Respect the staff always, and do a little kissing up when you can. If you are nice about things, it certainly won’t hurt the level of care your resident receives. But don’t be afraid to stand up to staff that is not treating your resident appropriately. When you see something wrong- raise a stink!!! Like I said earlier, turnover is usually high, and frustration levels run high all the way around. Sometimes staff can lose their temper with residents, or situations can be neglectful. Speak up when you see something you don’t like! You need to be an advocate for your resident! Be nice whenever you can, but speak up when you have to!
You can also buy a box of assorted greeting cards to give to the resident. They can then fill out the cards for their friend’s birthdays, etc. without worrying about how they will get a card. If they will be sending cards out to people outside the facility, include a book of stamps too. Many older people put a lot of stock into sending their nieces, grandchildren, etc. Birthday cards and Christmas cards, and feel very upset when they can’t do so like they always have.
Sometimes residents can no longer see to read, or see well enough to write. Offering to write a letter for them, or read aloud to them, can be a great way to brighten their day. Books on tape are also an option for once-avid readers whose eyesight is failing. You can even subscribe them to a “books on tape” rental company, where when they are finished with one book set, they return it for another through the postal service.
I remember one resident, a world war two veteran, and a heckuva interesting guy. He used to love to paint, but his hands were now too shaky to be much good at it. His son, who lived out of state, sent him a paint by number paint set through the mail for his birthday. The gift, which was meant to be thoughtful, only highlighted the fact that my friend could no longer paint like he used to. He was still painting, but his newest creations were more abstract art than the landscape paintings of the past. The gift also made it clear that the son hadn’t been to visit in awhile, otherwise, he would know that painting detailed scenes like he used to was now a thing of the past for his dad. Visits are more important than any gifts. Residents are starved for time and attention from the outside world. Take a few minutes to stop by and visit whenever you can.
Another cool idea for seniors is the seed kits that you grow where a bean emerges that has a word or message on it. Imagine Grandma’s surprise as she tends her little bean plant and finds that it actually says “I love you” on the plant itself? It’ll be the talk of the unit for the afternoon!
Keep them involved in your daily lives. Does your child have a play at school? If she’s up for it- pick Grandma up and take her with you! If she’s not up to it, take a video camera along and play the DVD for her later. Show Grandma and Grandpaw pictures of your child’s teachers, of your new office, of the new garage you’re building. Ask their advice on things, tell them about your small problems.
Sun catchers can bring a little light and color to a room easily.
If a resident is wheelchair bound and doesn’t ever stand up on their own, but still likes to wear shoes, ditch the ugly orthopedic ones. Buy a pair of fashionable shoes for your resident to wear. One lady in Grandma’s facility currently has zebra striped ballet flats.
Buy them a balloon to tie to their wheelchair, walker, or to their door for special occasions. When Grandma turned 99, I had my preschool students decorate a happy birthday banner for her that we hung on her door- and we got her balloons to tie to her wheelchair. Because these things made her birthday more visible to volunteers, other visitors, and staff, they got her a lot of attention and birthday wishes.
Organize a “card shower”. Get friends, relatives, willing co-workers, church members, etc. to send a birthday card to your resident. Most would love the added attention. Or have them sent all to you and gather them up into a scrapbook. Ask each person to include a favorite memory of the birthday person for an extra-special gift.
A “brag book”, of small photos of the residents kids, grand kids, great-grandkids, etc. can make a very nice gift. I always liked it when residents would tell me about their family, and then pull out a picture and show them to me. It made the resident seem more connected to the world somehow. When the only place you’ve ever known someone is in the facility, sometimes it’s hard to forget that they lived a whole life before this one. This can also be a good way to allow residents access family photos, when the originals were too large or plentiful to frame or put on the wall.
Have your child color a picture for your resident, or make them a craft.
If your resident loves to talk-get them a microcassette recorder and some tapes, and ask them to tape record family stories or their memoirs. It gives them something to do (you can also have them write their memories down, but this works well for people who just like to chat, or whose penmanship is failing). It also provides a great source of recorded family history. You can also bring a recorder when you come to visit and “interview” them. Sometimes just letting residents talk about their past can give them a boost of confidence. If you have any old family photos with family members you do not know in them, bring them with you, and have the resident help you identify them. Not only is it a trip down memory lane for them, it is also irreplaceable family knowledge. Some things can be looked up later in public registries, but other things, like who someone is in an unmarked photograph, are often lost forever when a person passes on. Give your resident the gift of making them feel like their family history will be cherished and remembered, and learn something about your family in the process!
Hand held simple video games, like electronic poker, yatzee, etc. are good for residents who enjoy those games, but don’t always have someone to play with. Again, make sure they don’t make noise, or that the noise can be turned off, and that you bring extra batteries, and show them how to use it. Some elderly people have problems seeing electronic screens, so try to buy one with as much screen/text contrast as possible. Even better, take a few minutes and sit down and play the traditional version of the game with them yourself. Many facilities have games available that you can borrow.
Digital picture frames can make great gifts. You can store a whole bunch of photos on a rotating loop, and can therefore display lots of pictures in only one frame. They work off a memory, so don’t have to be plugged into a computer, just into a wall outlet. With some, you can even digitally “beam” in pictures from faraway destinations, so Grandma could get to see the photos of the grandkids on vacation in California even before the trip was over. Most of these “beam” in type services have a monthly fee, but if there is a lot of family who lives spread out and can’t visit, it can be well worth it. Make sure your resident can still see electronic screens well before buying one.
If you have set days that you come visit, make the resident up a family calender. Mark family birthdays and events, and mark the days you will be coming to visit. If asked, an attendant would likely be willing to help you mark off each day for the resident, so that they always know what day it is, and when you will be coming next. Also borrow a copy of the facility’s calender, and mark any events (socials, pizza nights, outings to a baseball game, etc.) that your resident might be interested in.
Regardless, the best gift you can offer is time. The elderly are a precious resource. They’ve seen things we never will and have stories they have not told us yet. Don’t waste time, because they won’t be around forever. If you’ve got something to ask them, ask them. If you’ve got something to say, say it. Don’t leave things unsaid and make sure they know how much they mean to you- and that you’ve said it out loud. Don’t put off visiting until next week- go now! Even if you can’t stay but a few minutes.. go now. Frequent short visits are much better than the occasional longer one. Longer visits can wear residents out anyway. If you live close by, make it a habit to stop by every week, or more if you can. Even a 10 minute visit is enough to make your resident feel loved!
