I’ve been collecting jokes and humor for thirty five years. Here’s a collection of funny nurse jokes I’d like to share.
Why did the nurse keep the bedpan in the refrigerator?
Because when she kept it in the freezer it took too much skin off.
On a busy Med/Surg floor the doctor stops the nurse to brief her on a patient’s condition. “This patient is a fellow physician and my favorite golf partner. His injury is serious and I fear he will not be able to play golf again unless you follow my orders exactly.” The doctor then began listing orders:
“You must give an injection in a different location every twenty minutes followed by a second injection exactly five minutes after the first. He must take two pills at exactly every hour followed by one pill every fifteen minutes for eight hours. He must drink no more and no less than ten ounces of water every twenty-five minutes and must void between. Soak his arm in warm water for fifteen minutes then place ice for ten minutes and repeat over and over for the rest of the day. Give range of motion every thirty minutes. He requires a back rub and foot rub every hour. Feed him something tasty every hour. Be cheerful and do whatever he asks at all times. Chart his condition and vital signs every twenty minutes. You must do these things exactly as I ordered or his injury will not heal properly, and he will not able to play golf well.”
The nurse left the doctor and entered the patient’s room. She was greeted by anxious family and an equally anxious patient. All asked the nurse what the doctor had said about the patient. The nurse started, “The doctor said that you will live.” Then quickly reviewing the orders, the nurse added, “But you will have to learn a new sport.”
Patient: “Nurse, I just swallowed my pillow!”
Nurse: “How do you feel?”
Patient: “A little down in the mouth”
The famous female Olympic skier, Picabo Street (pronounced Peek-A-Boo), is not just an outstanding athlete, she is also a nurse. She currently works at the Intensive Care Unit of a large metropolitan hospital.
She is not permitted to answer the telephone, however, as it caused simply too much confusion when she would answer the phone and say, “Picabo, ICU.”
You know you are a nurse when discussing dismemberment over a gourmet meal seems perfectly normal.
You know you are a nurse when you compliment a complete stranger on his veins.
You know you are a nurse when you find yourself betting on someone’s alcohol level.
You know you are a nurse when you know that K-Y jelly is optional.
They found a naked dead body of a nurse washed up on the shore today.
How did they know it was a nurse?
She had an empty stomach, a full bladder, and her butt was chewed out.
Three nurses died & went to heaven where they were met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter.
To the first, he asked, “What did you do on Earth and why should you go to heaven?”
“I was a nurse in an inner city hospital,” she replied. “I worked to bring healing and peace to the poor suffering city children.”
“Very noble,” said St. Peter. “You may enter.” And in through the gates she went.
To the next, he asked the same question, “So what did you do on Earth?”
“I was a nurse at a missionary hospital in Africa,” she replied. “For many years, I worked with a skeleton crew of doctors and nurses who tried to reach out to as many peoples and tribes with a hand of healing and with a message of God’s love.”
“How touching,” said St. Peter. “You too may enter.” And in she went.
He then came to the last nurse, to whom he asked, “So, what did you do back on Earth?” After some hesitation, she explained, “I was just a nurse at an H.M.O.” St. Peter pondered this for a moment, and then said, “Okay, you may enter also.”
“Whew!” said the nurse. “For a moment there, I thought you weren’t going to let me in.”
“Oh, you can come in,” said St. Peter, “but you can only stay for three days…”
How many nurses does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None – They just have a nursing assistant do it.
What ‘s the difference between a nurse and a nun?
A nun only serves one God.
Two doctors were in a hospital hallway one day complaining about Nurse Nancy.
” She’s incredibly mixed up,” said one doctor. “She does everything absolutely backwards.
Just last week, I told her to give a patient 2 milligrams of morphine every 10 hours.
She gave him 10 milligrams every 2 hours. He damn near died on us!”
The second doctor said, “That’s nothing.
Earlier this week, I told her to give a patient an enema every 24 hours.
She tries to give him 24 enemas in one hour! The guy damn near exploded!”
Suddenly, they hear this blood-curdling scream from down the hall.
” Oh my God!” said the first doctor, “I just realized I told Nurse Nancy to prick Mr. Smith’s boil!”
A man goes to visit his 85-year-old grandpa in hospital.
” How are you grandpa? he asks.
Feeling fine,” says the old man.
“What’s the food like?”
“Terrific, wonderful menus.”
“And the nursing?”
“Just couldn’t be better. These young nurses really take care of you.”
“What about sleeping? Do you sleep OK?”
“No problem, nine hours solid every night. At 10 o’clock they bring me a cup of hot chocolate and a Viagra tablet … and that’s it. I go out like a light.”
The grandson is puzzled and a little alarmed by this, so rushes off to question the Sister in charge. “What are you people doing,” he says,
” I’m told you’re giving an 85-year-old Viagra on a daily basis. Surely that can’t be true?”
“Oh, yes,” replies the Sister. Every night at 10 o’clock we give him a cup of hot chocolate and a Viagra tablet. It works wonderfully well. The chocolate makes him sleep, and the Viagra stops him from rolling out of bed
A motorcycle patrolman was rushed to the hospital with an
inflamed appendix. The doctors operated and advised him that all
was well,
However, the patrolman kept feeling something pulling at the hairs
in his crotch. Worried that it might be a second surgery the
doctors hadn’t told him about, he finally got enough energy to pull
his hospital gown up enough so he could look at what was making
him so uncomfortable.
Taped firmly across his crotch hair were three wide strips of
adhesive tape, the kind that doesn’t come off easily. Written in
large black letters was the sentence:
‘Get well soon…..from the nurse in the Chrysler convertible you pulled over last week…’
A new nurse listened while the doctor was yelling, “Typhoid! Tetanus! Measles!”
The new nurse asked another nurse, “Why is he doing that?”
The other nurse replied, “Oh, he just likes to call the shots around here.”
The nurse who can smile when things go wrong is probably going off duty.
A man goes to a doctor for a routine physical. The nurse starts with the basics.
“How much do you weigh?” she asks.
“Oh, About One-sixty-five.” he says.
The nurse puts him on the scale. It turns out that his weight is 187. The nurse asks, “Your height?”
“Oh, About six feet,” he says.
The nurse checks and sees that he’s only 5 feet 8 3/4 inches. She then takes his blood pressure, and it’s very high.
“High!” The man explains, “Well, what did you expect? When I came in here, I was tall and lanky. Now, I’m short and fat!”
Four nurses all decided to play a joke on the doctor they worked for, whom they all felt was an arrogant jerk.
Later in the day, they all got together on break and discussed what they had done to the doctor.
The first nurse said, “I stuffed cotton in his stethoscope so he couldn’t hear.”
The second nurse said, “I let the mercury out of his thermometers and painted them all to read 106 degrees.”
The third nurse said, “Well, I did worse than that. I poked holes in all of the condoms that he keeps in his desk drawer.”
The fourth nurse fainted.
“I’m so worried,” the nervous patient said as the nurse plumped up his pillows. ”
Last week, I read about a man who was in the hospital because of heart trouble and he died of malaria.”
“Relax” the nurse said, smiling.
“This is a first-rate hospital. When we treat someone for heart trouble, he dies of heart trouble.”
What did the nurse say when she found a rectal thermometer in her pocket?
“Some asshole has my pen!”
What’s the difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer?
The taste.
Why did the nurse always insist on using the rectal thermometer to obtain temperatures?
She was taught in nursing school to always look for her patient’s best side.
A nursing assistant, floor nurse, and charge nurse from a small nursing home were taking a lunch break in the break room. In walks a lady dressed in silk scarves and wearing large polished stoned jewelry.
“I am ‘Gina the Great’,” stated the lady. I am so pleased with the way you have taken care of my aunt that I will now grant the next three wishes!” With a wave of her hand and a puff of smoke, the room was filled with flowers, fruit and bottles of drink, proving that she did have the power to grant wishes before any of the nurses could think otherwise.
The nurses quickly argued among themselves as to which one would ask for the first wish. Speaking up, the nursing assistant wished first.
I wish I were on a tropical island beach, with single, well-built men feeding me fruit and tending to my every need.” With a puff of smoke, the nursing assistant was gone.
The floor nurse went next. I wish I were rich and retired and spending my days in my own warm cabin at a ski resort with well groomed men feeding me cocoa and doughnuts.” With a puff of smoke, she too was gone.
“Now, what is the last wish?” asked the lady.
The charge nurse said,” I want those two back on the floor at the end of the lunch break.”
One evening a family drops their frail, elderly mother off at a nursing home, promising they’ll come to see her the next day. The next morning, the nurses bathe her, feed her a tasty breakfast and set her in a chair at a window overlooking a lovely flower garden. She seems fine, but after a while she slowly starts to fall over sideways in her chair.
Two attentive nurses rush over and catch her, then straighten her up in the chair. Again she seems OK, but after a while she starts to tilt to the other side. The nurses rush back and once more put her back upright. This goes on all morning until her family arrives to see how the old woman is adjusting to her new home.
They ask her, “So, Mom, how is it here? Are they treating you all right?”
“It’s pretty nice,” the old woman replies. “Except they won’t let you fart.”
A little 8 year old boy wanted to be circumcised when he realized he looked different than dad and his friends. The day after the procedure he returned to school. During class, he became uncomfortable and asked for permission to go to the nurse. When he arrived at her office, he hesitated and finally just asked if he could call his mother. Sensing this was personal, the nurse stepped into the hall and closed the door to allow him privacy. Several minutes later the little boy came out of her office and the nurse noticed his penis was sticking out of his pants.
“Where are you going?” she asked.
“Back to class,” said the boy.
“But you can’t go back like that!” explained the nurse.
“I have to,” stressed the boy. “My mother said that if I could just stick it out until lunchtime, she would come and pick me up.”
Doctor: “Nurse, how is the little boy who swallowed those quarters doing?”
Nurse: “No change yet.”
What’s the difference between a surgeon and a puppy?
If you put a puppy in a room by itself for an hour, it’ll probably stop whining
Walking into a hospital room, a nurse finds an elderly gentleman dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet. He insists to her that he doesn’t need help leaving the hospital, but the nurse explains that hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged.
Reluctantly, he lets her wheel him to the elevator and down to the lobby. On the way to the front door, the nurse asks the man if his wife is meeting him there.
“I don’t know,” he replies. “She’s still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.”
How many doctors does it take to change a light bulb?
Only one, but he has to have a nurse to tell him which end to screw in.
A big shot attorney had to spend a couple of days in the hospital. He was a royal pain to the nurses because he bossed them around just like he did his staff. None of the hospital staff wanted to have anything to do with him.
The head nurse was the only one who could stand up to him. She came into his room and announced, “I have to take your temperature.”
After complaining for several minutes, he finally settled down, crossed his arms and opened his mouth.
“No, I’m sorry,” the nurse stated, “but for this reading, I can’t use an oral thermometer.”
This started another round of complaining but eventually he rolled over and bared his behind.
After feeling the nurse insert the thermometer, he heard her announce, “I have to get something. Now you stay JUST LIKE THAT until I get back!”
She left the door to his room open on her way out. He cursed under his breath as he heard people walking past his door, laughing.
After a half hour, the man’s doctor came into the room.
“What’s going on here?” asked the doctor.
Angrily, the man answered, “What’s the matter, Doc? Haven’t you ever seen someone having their temperature taken?”
After a pause, the doctor confessed, “Not with a carnation.”
An old man, Mr. Wallace, was living in a nursing home.
One day he appeared to be very sad and depressed.
Nurse Jane asked him if there was anything wrong,
“Yes, Nurse Jane ,” said Mr. Wallace.
“My Private Part died today, and I am very sad.”
Knowing her patients were a little forgetful and sometimes a little crazy, she replied, “Oh, I’m so sorry, Mr. Wallace. Please accept my condolences .”
The following day, Mr. Wallace was walking down the hall with his Private Part hanging out of his pajamas.
He met Nurse Jane. ‘Mr. Wallace,’ she said, “You shouldn’t be walking down the hall like that. Please put your Private Part back inside your pajamas.”
“But, Nurse Jane I can’t,” replied Mr. Wallace. “I told you yesterday that my Private Part died.”
“Yes,” said Nurse Jane, “you did tell me that, but why is it hanging out of your pajamas?”
“Well,” he replied, “Today is the viewing.”
Doctors at a hospital in Brooklyn, New York have gone on strike. Hospital officials say they will find out what the Doctors’ demands are as soon as they can get a nurse over there to read the picket signs!
A man was wheeling himself frantically down the hall of the hospital in his wheelchair, just before his operation. A nurse stopped him and asked, “What’s the matter?”
He said, “I heard the nurse say, ‘It’s a very simple operation, don’t worry, I’m sure it will be all right.'”
“She was just trying to comfort you, what’s so frightening about that?”
“She wasn’t talking to me. She was talking to the doctor!”
You know you’re a nurse if…
You believe not all patients are annoying … some are unconscious.
A nurse dies and goes to heaven. She is met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter who asks her questions about her life. Over St. Peter’s shoulder the nurse spots a man in a white coat sitting on a cloud with a stethoscope around his neck.
“Oh brother!”, she cries. “Is that a doctor?”
St Peter glances over his shoulder and says, “No, that’s God. He just thinks he’s a doctor.”
How do you save a doctor from drowning?
Take your foot off his head.
Did you hear about the nurse who swallowed a razor blade? She gave herself a tonsillectomy, an appendectomy, a hysterectomy, and circumcised three of the doctors on her shift.
A man goes to the doctor’s office one day. The nurse, quite attractive, says, “The doctor is over at the hospital right now. He won’t be back for about an hour. Could you tell me your symptoms, please?” He tells her. She looks at him appraisingly and decides he’s just tense. She offers, “Well, um, for $50, I’ve got just the thing for you!” He agrees, and she takes him into an examining room and screws the daylights out of him.
About a week later, he returns, only to find that the doctor is there. The doctor listens to the man’s symptoms, examines him, and decides the man is just tense. The doctor writes out a prescription for a sedative and says, “That’ll be $150 for this visit.”
The man says, “If it’s all the same to you, doctor, I’d rather have the $50 cure!”
A nurse had to take a patient back to her room after surgery. Woman was still feeling the effects of the anesthetic and was rather confused. After nurse had made her comfortable, she was confronted with four of woman friends who asked, “How is she?”
The nurse replied, “Oh, she”s quite dopey.”
One of the friends said, “We know that, but how is she health wise?”
Did you hear about the nurse who died and went straight to hell? It took her two weeks to realize that she wasn’t at work anymore!
