While there may be those who claim sibling rivalry is not inevitable, I have certainly found that if you have more than one child, sibling squabbles are a daily reality. Sniping, fighting, competition and other conflicts seem to descend upon a household as soon as the second child crosses the threshold – and while they may go through various stages, sibling rivalry becomes a fact of life.
Parents probably can’t eliminate the cause or treat the reasons for sibling rivalry, but there are some coping skills and parenting techniques we can develop and hone to help reduce the squabbles and keep the peace (at least, occasionally!)
1. Listen and acknowledge everyone’s feelings – Being heard and comfortable to express how he or she is feeling will help your child “get out” the anger and frustration felt toward a sibling. When children are younger, they often fight for a parent’s attention and by taking time to sit and listen actively (and impartially), your child will know that he is heard and respected and that all feelings are normal. A parent can use her best “active listening” skills and say “I know you are angry that Suzy came into your room without your permission. I hear how frustrated you are.”
2. Try not to get in the middle – If I was paid by the hour for the time I’ve spent being sucked into playing referee in my children’s heated arguments, I could have saved enough for a nice vacation! I finally learned that acting as referee or mediator did not help settle anything and really prolonged arguments and disagreements. Unless safety is an issue, let children learn to work things out for themselves. If you must get involved, try to be as impartial and detached as possible.
3. Siblings don’t have to be together all the time – just because your kids are related to each other, does not mean they need to be together all the time. You kids may go in phases – one day they seem to be best buddies, and others they are fighting like cats and dogs. Give them a chance to do things separately, especially if they are having a lot of conflicts. Sometimes “going their separate ways” really is the best way to handle strained relations. By encouraging and helping your children to develop interests and friends outside the family, there will be less pressure on the sibling relationship.
4. Boredom exacerbates conflict – By keeping kids busy and active with projects, activities and a daily schedule, they will be less likely to fight. This is why siblings tend to argue while on summer vacation or over long breaks – they’re bored and discontent and look around for something exciting and interesting to do, there’s brother across the room. The next thing you know, they are locked in some drama. Try to keep kids involved, using distraction and redirection are perfectly fine ways to break up a squabble.
5. Expect sibling rivalry and set very specific house rules about what behavior is acceptable and what is not. That way you can respond to the behavior infractions and not the fighting. For instance, violence and hitting should definitely be out. Instead of getting caught up in the battle, you can simply say “We don’t hit in this family” and respond to the behavior in question. The truth is, children will disagree and we learn a lot about who we are and how to behave in a relationship from our sibling interactions. Over time, your children will form attachments and relationships with each other that will exist completely separate from their parents. If we parents have realistic expectations of the tumultuous relationship between siblings, we’ll be less likely to overreact of thing there is something abnormal about the squabbles. With realistic expectations, we can set simple house rules to govern behavior and try to be as impartial and give each of our children as much positive attention as possible.
