I recently saw an episode of the Montel Williams Show about forgiveness. The guests on the show had been hurt badly by people close to them and some by complete strangers, yet they were all able to forgive those people. This show made me question my own ability to forgive. I wondered if I truly have forgiven those who have harmed me or if I just thought I forgave them and tried to forget everything that had happened.
While examining my own ability to forgive, I tried to recall times where I actually have told someone “I forgive you.” Well, this did not work as I could not remember an actual time where I verbally expressed my forgiveness to someone. Does this mean I have not forgiven someone and have justified their actions?
To forgive someone means to let go of any resentment towards the individual. People really do not have to verbally express their forgiveness, although it is something to consider if someone asks for forgiveness. As long as we let go of our resentments and grudges we should be okay, at least with ourselves.
Learning how to forgive is crucial for resolving relationships and clearing the conscious. Here the steps to learning how to forgive those who have hurt us.
How to Truly Forgive Step 1 – Acknowledgement
The first step in learning to forgive is to acknowledge the fact that you have been hurt. Some of us with big egos may have to work on this because we may not want to admit we were hurt or that we can be hurt. The pain is already there and the first step in the forgiveness process is to acknowledge who, what, and how you have been hurt. Once this acknowledgement has been made, we can move to the next step.
How to Truly Forgive Step 2 – Be the bigger person
This step in forgiveness is to not wait for the person who has done you wrong to apologize. Instead, you should go and apologize first. Do not just apologize because you want to be first, but because you really mean it. A lot of the times people hurt someone because they have been hurt as well. If someone has hurt you because of something you did, you cannot expect them to come to you, so be the bigger person and apologize.
How to Truly Forgive Step 3 – Be patient
A lot of pain can take awhile to pass. You cannot expect the pain to disappear the moment you say “I forgive you.” If your pain has turned to anger and resentment, get some counseling. This can help you understand exactly why this particular episode hurt you so much. It can also help you to understand why you are still feeling the hurt even if the incident occurred several months or even years earlier.
How to Truly Forgive Step 4 – Forgive yourself
Before you can let this person back into your life, you must be able to forgive yourself. This is probably the hardest step in the process because you have to be completely honest with yourself. You must admit to yourself your role in why you were hurt. There should be no justifications for what you did, but you must know that you contributed to your own feelings of hurt. You must pinpoint exactly what it was that you did to cause this person to hurt you. During this process, you must understand that your act was wrong but it does not mean you are a bad person.
How to Truly Forgive Step 5 – Set limits
When you forgive someone, it is hard to let the person back into your life completely. In order to truly forgive someone, you must set limits. Make the person promise they will not hurt you again. If they truly commit themselves to not hurting you let them back into your life. Take the process a step at a time. You can start out by only allowing a phone call once or twice a week. Once you are comfortable with them in your life, allow them to visit you periodically for short periods of time.
Understanding what, why, and how someone has hurt you is the only way to begin the process of forgiveness. You must acknowledge how you contributed to the person’s reason for hurting you and might need to ask them for forgiveness as well. Taking these steps will help you to truly forgive those who have hurt you.
