I checked out the movie I am about to review one day when I wanted something light and airy to watch. Unfortunately, that is the best that I can say about this film. It is, indeed, light and airy. It is, in fact, full of so much air that it is virtually worthless.
I usually like Billy Zane. While he isn’t the greatest actor of our generation, I have enjoyed many of his films. But I have to wonder what he was thinking when he agreed to do this one.
The name of the movie is “Fishtales.” It centers on an absent-minded professor by the name of Thomas Bradley (Zane) who has been serving as a visiting professor at Oxford while working on a thesis about ancient Greek love spells.
However, the professor has run into a roadblock and tries to put off the completion of his life’s work. That is, until the powers that be at the university give him an end of summer deadline.
To get him inspired, one of the professors offers him his summer home, which is located on the Greek Island of Spetses. Bradley’s 12-year-old daughter, Serena (played by Amber Savva), likes the idea of spending the summer somewhere new and talks her father into accepting the invitation.
Along the way, the father and daughter team meets a lot of interesting characters. Or at least that is what the screenwriters, Alki David and Melissa Painter, hope will pass as interesting characters. In truth they are a bit too weird to be believable and not weird enough to be really funny.
Outside of Zane, Savva is the only other person who seems to have any real acting ability. The other actors overplay their roles just enough to be annoying but not enough to reach anything resembling comic genius.
One of the worst is Kelly Brook, who plays the mermaid Nereid. She is supposed to become Serena’s friend and the object of the professor’s affection. However, her acting is so atrocious that I couldn’t bear watching her on screen.
The other horrendous caricature comes from writer/director Alki David himself. He plays the evil Captain Mavros who wants to capture the mermaid because her jewel-encrusted tail is worth a fortune.
What follows is a mish-mash of chase scenes, stupid interactions, and supposed love scenes. At least that is the intent for those audience members who are willing to sit through the senseless drivel.
I wish I could just say this is a bad movie, but I can’t. It is so much worse than that, which is hard for me – – a true movie aficionado – – to say. I love movies, just not this movie. It may well be the worst film I’ve ever seen.
There is nothing redeeming about “Fishtales.” It isn’t cute or charming, witty or clever, or even remotely funny. Even Zane’s attempts to make the professor lovably goofy fall completely flat.
The writing is bad. The acting is bad. The directing is bad. The cinematography is bad. This is just a terrible film anyway you slice it. I give it 0 out of five stars and, actually, that is being very kind.
RATING SCALE USED:
0 = A stinker. Don’t waste the money!
1 = Bad. Rent it at your own risk.
2 = Below average. See only if you have time to kill.
2.5 = Average. A toss up.
3 = Good. Worth a looksee.
3.5 = Very Good. I recommend it.
4 = Excellent. Don’t miss it!
4.5 = Outstanding. What are you waiting for?
5 = Destined to become a classic. You will be sorry if you don’t see it.
