The Sci-fi Channel on basic cable is a great channel with the best original shows. “DOC WHO,” the STARGATE series are all my favorites. However, you have to admit the original movies on Saturday Night are just as fun. You know you watch them. Don’t you love these cheesy, horribly produced, badly written, $100.00 special effects movies?
The Sci-Fi channel’s original movie has rubber or badly computer generated monsters that do not move a muscle unless it is in frame and moves no way near its victims. Admit it!! Well, at least I will. Sometimes the producers throw in extra money into a movie that is actually good but that is very rare.
The Sci-Fi Original movies are a throw back to the old Roger Corman and William Castle Schlocky B movies of the early 50’s and 60’s who staged elaborate pranks on the audience to promote the terrible movies. They did this to get the people into the theaters away from the new invention that was television. In this new century, we have a new crop of these B movies on our very own channel on basic cable. It just goes to show how as things change they still remain the same. So, when you watch these bad movies you should take:
1.5 sips when you see produced by Roger Corman in the credits. (He’s the granddaddy of these movies. Look him up.
2. 4 sips if every scene becomes inexplicably dark all of a sudden you can only see the actor’s shadows on the walls.
3. 1 sip for each woman who get half naked wearing underwear in the middle of the movie.
4.2 sips if the actors end up in a wide, open green field. I swear it is in every movie.
5.2 sips if the monster is computer engineered.
6.3 sips if the monster is a rubber puppet.
7.2 sips if the heroin ends up wearing a bloody tee shirt.
8.1 sip for every annoying, obnoxious man
9. 2 sips for every annoying, obnoxious woman
10. 2 sips for every pop-culture reference
11. 1 sip if the movie is a vampire movie.
12. 1 sip if the movie is a Zombie movie.
13. 3 sips if it isn’t a Zombie movie or Vampire movie
14. 2 sips for every mutant bug movie
15. 2 sips if the heroin and hero get together in the end.
16. 4 sips if the heroin and hero have a past.
17. 1 sip for every scream.
18. 2 sips for every cursed bleep. Because hearing the curse will corrupt the children of this nation.
19. 2 sips if there is a has-been actor you’ve haven’t seen in twenty years who overacts.
20. 1 sip if the has-been actor is actually good in the movie.
21. 3 sips if the lead hero or heroin is a look-alike for the famous actors in Hollywood. Ie: Tom Cruise, Jennifer Anniston, Jennifer Lopez, and Jessica Alba etc.
22. 4 sips if the movie is a poor man’s version of the latest popular movie playing in theaters.
23.6 sips if there is a cemetery in the movie (Vampire. Werewolf, Zombie movies not included)
241 sip for every reference to religion, God or the Devil.
25.3 sips if the movie is about demons.
26. 5 sips if the people end up in a forest.
27. 5 sips if it is a movie about werewolves
28. 5 sips if the movie is set in the future
29. 10 sips if the movie is set in the past.
30. 1 sip for every character carrying a weapon
31. 1 sip if they fire that weapon
32. 2 sips if they fire at the monster and miss.
33. 4 sips if they stop the action in the middle of the movie so that the male and female lead can have sex. (Only the female and male leads! No one else)
34. 4 sips if any one the group “Survivors” talks with a foreign accent. (Any country will do)
35. 6 sips if the foreign characters country doesn’t exist on the world map.
36. 3 sips if the movie becomes a sequel.
37. 2 sips if the movie involves a killer shark
38. 6 sips if the movie involves a killer whale
39.1 sip for every prison movie
40. 5 sips if the movie involves a killer squid.
41. 2 sips if the movie takes place in a war zone.
