*Please note that before I begin with my experiences with domestic violence, I will be referring often to women being the victims. This is not always the case. Men are often victims, as well. I worked in woman’s shelter, therefore, my referrals to women being the victims are from stories I had encountered, personally.
For over three years, I was a counselor at a woman’s shelter for domestic violence. Upon taking the job, I had no idea that domestic violence was such a common disaster in American households. I came into the job with an attitude against the victims. I could not comprehend why women in such violent situations would actually choose to stay in such horrific relationships. My attitude towards these poor victims worsened when I would see these same women who seeked protective shelter leave and go back home to the danger zone. About three weeks into my new career, I did a 360 turn around with my attitude and learned that it is not always easy to leave an abusive relationship due to several reasons; the biggest reason being “fear”. This includes fear of financial security, death, losing the children, or even fear of what the “outside” world will think of their situation.
There are several different cases of domestic violence. Some are physical, mental, sexual, or combinations of all three. I came into the job knowing that on average a woman leaves the house seven times before she actually ends the relationship. Why seven times? Why not immediately? These are questions I learned the answers to from the experts on this topic; the victims.
Fear of many things play a role in abusive relationships. Usually violence has occurred in the household for long periods of time and have become somewhat normal to the victim. When I say normal, I do not mean tolerable but instead I mean it has become part of the relationship routine. Many of the women I spoke to were able to pin point the periods of time when the relationship would become abusive. They were able to identify the triggers of violence and the honey moon periods when the relationship would be all about roses and daisies. These same women were also aware that they would fear for their life when things became abusive. So if a woman knows the “triggers” involved, can identify the abusive cycle, and is aware of the potential dangers involved, then why does she stay in the relationship? The answer is simple. The victims have learned how out of control things can really become.
From my experiences, I have seen first hand that victims often are afraid that the abuser will make good on previous threats. Many abusers threaten, or mentally abuse the victim with various statements. Some of these threats revolve around murder, taking the children away, or beating the woman down with derogatory statements. It is saddening to see a beautiful woman (inside and out) feel that if she leaves no one else will want her. It is also unbearable to see some of these victims brainwashed into feeling that the abuse is there fault or that they will never amount to anything. On the outside, looking in, I know that these feelings a victim has are not true, however, after years of abuse the victims have been taught other wise.
I have discussed some reasons why women do not leave an abusive relationship, but have noticed that one of the biggest reasons for going back into the household revolves around the children. In my experiences, there have been many instances were the abuser is not directly abusive to the children. Even in cases where child abuse occurs, the children are more naive and often play a big role in “wanting to go back into the un-stable household. With many tears and behaviors of acting out, the victim feels that she has to put up with the abuse to meet the children’s needs. Once again, looking in from the outside, most of the acting out with children is derived from the abusive behaviors they witnessed; not because living in this cruel situation is a festival of fun. I often would explain to the victim/parent, that they are in control of their children instead of vice/versa. They make the decisions to make a better life for their children and although the children may be angered by current situations, they will appreciate the fact (in the future) that there mother broke the cycle of abuse. The fact is, the victim has been controlled for so long they feel control is not in their own vocabulary.
From speaking with a batterer’s counselor, I learned that less than 5% of abusers change their ways. Extensive counseling must occur and the abuser must want to participate, whole heartedly for himself, rather than to satisfy the victim. For some reason, due to human nature reasons, “we” always think we are able to change someone. The truth of the matter is that only “you” can change things about yourself. I do not know how many times victims go back into the household and claim their partner is changing, and later the abuse begins again.
In conclusion, this information I gained was from my own encounters with victims. I have a different attitude about domestic violence and have seen first-hand the causes/effects. I have learned that it is not easy to leave a situation where one feels they do not have a fighting chance. I have also come to realize that many victims do not look at themselves as a strong individual and feel that if they try to fight back things will become even more violent. For us who have not experienced the dangers and abuse of domestic violence, it is easy to say “just leave”. The truth of the matter is, that we have no right to judge a victim. We are living a life full of daisies and roses, domestically. Unfortunately, victims only experience the warm/fuzzy feelings on occasion. Victims live in fear. They fear leaving the only thing they “think” they have, and in general they fear for their life. That is tough burden to bear and tougher to turn around in one single heartbeat.
