Interviewer: Once again our candidates to be the next President of The United States are giving their views on an important issue of the day. Now let’s talk about a real hot subject: Global Warming. Here at WKBS (Where the B goes before the S) we want to know your position on Global Warming.
John Edwards: Our planet is in melt down. Just look at the sweat that’s going down my recent $400 haircut. We’ve got to do something about it. That’s why I propose that we reduce carbon emissions by 40% by the year 2050.
Barack Obama: I’ll see you 40% and raise you 10%. Hey, I got the experience to go all the way. Oh yes, we can also plant more trees on the White House grounds.
Hillary Clinton: This isn’t a poker game. We’re talking about the Earth’s future. We’ve got to reduce greenhouse gases. Bill and I are committed to reducing greenhouse gases by 60%. Also, we’re going to paint the White House and call it the Green House. Bill suggested putting naked statues of women on the White House grounds but I rejected that idea.
Joe Biden: This is getting more ridiculous by the minute. We need to have a statute of limitations on greenhouse gases so that they all disappear by the year 2050. Failure to achieve this goal shall result in a punishment of 10 degrees higher temperatures for the entire world.
Bill Richardson: Talk about hot. Have you been down to New Mexico recently? Everyday during the summer, we hold an egg boiling contest to see who can be the first person to boil an egg on the grounds of the State Capitol. If I’m elected President, I shall negotiate with all the countries around the world to reduce greenhouse gases by 70%.
Christopher Dodd: We need to reduce methane gas as well as nitrous oxide. In addition, we need to eliminate the stench coming from the White House.
Mike Gravel: We need to make conservation our salvation. Also, impeach President Bush and Vice President Dick Cheney.
Dennis Kucinich: Droughts, floods, massive hurricanes, pestilence, disease. We need a War on Global Warming.
Otherwise, our planet is doomed forever. Also, please vote for me. I have special connections to outer space that will help us get out of our environmental predicament.
Interviewer: Well, that’s all the time we have for today. Stay tuned for our next addition of Getting to Know Your Candidates. We promise that temperatures will rise in our next segment. This is WKBS signing off. Say, can somebody get me a glass of water. I’m sweating buckets.
