Chapter I This story is dedicated to every little fat girl who’s ever cried herself to sleep. This story is not meant as a put down but as an awakening. Why is it that we must constantly cry ourselves to sleep, and when will society begin to see that we are not so different. We are not the ridicules of every movie; we are not every stereotype! Last night, I lay in bed and I just listened to the quiet, the solitude, the serenity, and I cried. I cried for every movie that has every fat person portrayed as someone who just eats and eats and eats. I cried for that fat woman walking down the street with everyone pointing. I cried for little fat girl and little fat boy in gym class as everyone else laughed because they couldn’t make it up the rope. Last night, I lay in bed with the quiet, the solitude, the serenity, listening to the constant beating of the ceiling fan, and I cried. You may ask, why this story? Why now? What is it going to do? Society will never accept us; they will never stop looking at us as some outside species that came here off some spaceship, so what’s the point? The point is this story is not for them. This story is not for society. It’s for every little fat girl that has cried herself to sleep; this story may be for you.
One day, again back in this room, I had a dream. In that dream, I would walk up to people and I would say hello. They would say hello back. Do you know where they were looking? They were looking in my eyes. They weren’t looking at my terribly large round face that has a second chin that protrudes from it. They weren’t looking at my stubby neck, my thick arms, my proportionally large breasts, my sagging stomachs, my short stubby legs, or my chubby ankles. They were looking in my eyes- they were looking at me. I am writing this story because we need to demand that people look us in our eyes. Yes, every fat girl and even the fat boys. You may get offended by the word fat, but let’s just take it for what it is. It’s the word that has held so many of us back from what we truly want to accomplish. You want to sing, you want to act, you want to be a carpenter, you want to travel, you want to do stunts, you want to do acrobats, you want to do sports, you want to run and jump, you want to lay on the beach, you want to swim, but you can’t. Why? Because others said we can’t. Because of the looks we get? Yes. Often. Therefore, we hide ourselves in our own little world and close ourselves behind our own little doors. Like me, you may lay in the solitude of your own room, in the quiet, serenity, listening to the beat of your fan, or maybe the buzz of your furnace. Maybe you even listen to the cars driving outside past your window, wondering what else in going on in the world, because like me, many of you are afraid to find out. We don’t want to be that spectacle everyone chooses to occupy their attention. We want to feel comfortable, feel beautiful, feel sexy, feel wanted, but we don’t. So, we stay behind our doors in the safe protected world of ourselves and many of us lie in our beds and cry ourselves to sleep.
Chapter II
Theresa could not believe what was happening. It was just two days ago she hugged her little sister and congratulated her on the progress she was making during her rehabilitation. Her baby sister, Hilda, had shut herself off from the world. The constant pressure to conform to the paper-thin images of television and magazines had taken their toll on her young, impressionable mind. That dreaded phone call kept rewinding itself over and over in Theresa’s mind. Judith, her sister’s counselor, called her with the dreaded news.
“Theresa, there has been an incident involving Hilda; we need you to come to the clinic right away.”
A sickening feeling rumbled in Theresa’s gut as she searched for the question she feared to ask.
“Is Hilda okay? What’s going on?”
Judith’s answer, or lack thereof, gave Theresa the sickening conclusion she wanted to avoid.
“Theresa, it’s difficult to discuss over the phone. It’s best you come immediately.”
Theresa arrived at the clinic to confirm her worst suspicion. Her sister’s large, lifeless body lay on the bed. Dried tears were evident on her cocoa-colored cheeks. Theresa sat down on the bed and stroked her sister’s soft, frazzled bangs. Conversation later revealed that Hilda had saved her daily depression medicines and took them at once, causing an overdose. In her hands were clutched the small mini recorder she asked Theresa to purchase just days before.
“I know this is hard for you. We are here to assist you in whatever arrangements you need to make. All her personal belongings will be ready to be picked up tomorrow afternoon. We will take Hilda downstairs until you give us information concerning her pick up and arrangements.”
Judith grabbed the recorder and extended it to Theresa.
“We have not listened to this. I am sure it was probably a message for you. You may take it now if you wish.”
With one last sorrowful stare, Judith left the room. Theresa was now faced with making the final preparations for her baby sister. What drove her to such an untimely end? Would this message provide any answers? Theresa listened to the words of the tape as she drove home. She was so overcome with sadness that she pulled over to the side of the road where she remained in a battle of tears and screams for almost and hour. After some time, she knew what she would have to do. She would have to share Hilda’s message with the world.
Chapter III
At Hilda’s funeral service large crowds of co-workers, supporters, neighbors, family, and extended family hustled into the isles of the church. People gave words of support and inspiration. The last to speak was Theresa.
“Hilda was my baby sister. Like any older sibling, you always try to protect your siblings from the harshness of the world. Sometimes, I could not protect her from the stares, ridicule, and isolation she felt due to her physical appearance. I could stand up hear and try to generate great words of wisdom as I thought Hilda would have liked, but I don’t have to. Hilda has left a message for us all. It is our hope that you will share this message with others. Change begins with you. If changing yourself can help keep another young person from meeting the same fate as Hilda, then a change can’t come too soon.”
The church’s sound technician loaded a copy of Hilda’s tape over the intercom
system for all to hear.
“Hello, my name is Hilda. I hope the message that I bring will help someone today. Those who knew me know that I have had a long battle with depression and eating disorders. For those who don’t know me, I hope these words may be an inspiration for you.
I would like to describe myself as confident, but I would have to describe myself as reserved, quiet, and easily intimidated. My biggest fear is facing the world because the world doesn’t like to face me. I often wonder how different life would’ve been if I had been skinny. I sometimes think that life would have been drastically different for me, but I guess I’ll never know. At twenty-one years old, I am wearing a size twenty-eight. I top the chart at a good three hundred seventeen pounds, and I’ve never ever known love. People always told me that I was still young, and I had plenty of time to change. Tell that to my genetics. I have been on every diet known to man. I tried exercise, laxatives, weight-loss pills, and starvation. Finances kept me from pursuing stomach stapling, gastric bypass, or liposuction. All these bouts of aggravation and stress. All I wanted to do was to be happy. To be honest, I couldn’t remember a time that I was really truly happy. I had moments when I was growing up that I smiled and laughed with my family, but those were all fleeting moments, sporadic times, here and there. I never really knew happiness.
I would’ve loved to have more of a social life. Most people dream of someday getting married, having children, and being career-oriented and independent. Fat people are no different. Many times, people aren’t given the chance or opportunity because they are judged on what they look like outwardly, before people actually get the opportunity to see what skills and talents they have. I often complain that people see me before the meet me. Physically, I know that I’m not the most attractive person, and not the smallest structure. Some people may even consider me gross and repulsive. It’s always assumed that we are the way we are because all we do is sit up late at night and eat while watching television. It’s not necessarily that way. Some of us are active and have participated in different activities and functions. We don’t sit around and eat bad things all day. Some of us do have healthy eating habits and active lives. Who knows what exact combination of things make people the way they are; who knows for sure the combination of things that made me the way I am! It’s unfortunate that many times we don’t always get that opportunity, because like I said before, people take us for what we are at face value. They never get to learn who we are underneath all that. I truly believe the statement “that beauty is only skin deep.” Many times, people don’t scratch pass that surface to understand or get to know what’s underneath. Most treasures don’t sit above ground. If it was that easy and apparent, you wouldn’t have the excitement of all these stories about pirates looking for treasure maps and searching for hidden treasures. Sometimes you have to look beyond what’s right in front of you to know that a bigger picture, a nicer picture, and a sweeter picture awaits. Unfortunately, with society and the way some people think, some of us will always be forced to live in shadows.
I leave these words for every young girl or boy, for every young woman or man who’s ever had to waste tears to wash away the hurt and pain that they are feeling. I leave these words for anyone who has experienced what I have said. I thought it would be an opportunity for me to help someone to know that it is okay to feel that you have been slighted in life. It’s okay to feel that the world is unfair. It’s okay to be angry that society is plagued with superficial people that are judgmental. I leave these words to let them know that it is not fair to continue to act that way. It’s not fair to continue to force their views and negativity upon those of us who are not small; those of us who are not these images that we see on T.V. and videos. I leave these words so they will know that what you do and say hurts, and we don’t appreciate it. We could do without the condescending looks, the for shamed looks, the rolled eyes, the glances of disgust, the points, the jokes, the laughter, and all the stereotypes and assumptions that go with it. It’s not for you to try to figure out what made us the way we are, or to try to make yourselves feel better about not being us. None of us woke up said, “Hey, I’m going to let myself go so that no one wants to be around me, will assume that I stink, and speculate that I sit around and eat all day long. Nobody in their right minds just woke up and decided this was the destiny they wanted for themselves. I hope these words serve as an outlet for someone who may have had similar hardships, similar pains, similar miscommunication, and similar put-downs. Try to move passed those things. Get them out and don’t let those things hinder and bind you, or make you feel ashamed of who you are every time you walk past a mirror or every time you see your reflection in a window. You don’t want to take pictures and don’t want to be caught on film because, like me, you are ashamed of what you are. So, I leave these words for everyone who has cried, everyone who may be crying now, everyone who may cry after this, and everyone who will continue to cry. I leave these words in honor of all the wasted tears. I leave these words because you need to know that you are not alone, you’re not inhuman, you’re not indecent, you’re not gross, you’re not ugly, you’re not a nuisance, and you’re not belittled. You’re intelligent, strong, vibrant, curious, and have feelings like everyone else. You’re fat. The world will have to get used to that.
Nobody expects the world to change overnight. That’s the furthest thought from my mind. But if one person can hear these words and be empowered, or if one person could hear these words and realize the behavior and attitude they had, or the way they treated someone, was wrong and decide to make a change. Then, something has been accomplished! I didn’t seek to make a world-wide change, just change the attitudes and minds of maybe one person, maybe two, maybe me, maybe you. If it does, at least I can say my death won’t be in vain. These will be the last words that I give to you. I appreciate you giving me an unconditional ear to speak and not be judged. Now, my time has come. I have decided that this fat girl will cry no more. This fat girl would no longer be bound by all the ridicules and immaturity of society as a whole. This girl decided that she would no longer waste any more tears and make this the last time she cries herself to sleep. So the next time you see that lonely little fat girl at work, on the job, at your church, or passing by. Don’t be too pompous to look her in the eyes and say hello. Don’t be afraid to invite her over for conversation or a cup of tea. Don’t be afraid to get to know her inwardly and outward. Who knows, you may be able to help some lonely little fat girl to cry no more.
At the conclusion of the tape, there wasn’t a dry eye in the congregation. Theresa stood up to make one final plea.
“Studies have indicated that as much as 64% of the adult US population is overweight. According to statistics it is estimated that 5-10 million women and one million men have eating disorders. A startling 18.8 million Americans suffer from depression. Sadly, approximately 30,000 people in the United States commit suicide each year. We can make a difference. The change must start with you. Educate yourself and your loved ones.”
