I’m a conundrum, apparently. I’m a Buddhist attachment parent. Since Buddhism promotes non-attachment, and I’m an attachment parent, people ask me how I mesh my spirituality with my parenting.
It’s easier than it sounds.
What is an attachment parent?
An attachment parent is a parent who believes in a certain parenting philosophy…one that promotes a strong bond with a child starting from infancy and hopefully progressing even through the rough teen years. Though there are certain things attachment parents tend to do (like breastfeeding, bed-sharing, and baby-wearing), the fact is that the philosophy of attachment parenting is that you center your parenting around your child’s needs so that your child thrives. This tends to take a lot of time, particularly in the beginning, but it saves a lot of time later (in theory, and in practice in my home)
What is non-attachment?
Non-attachment is a Buddhist philosophy that everything is impermanent, therefore we shouldn’t try to form bonds with something and desire or crave it because, in reality, it won’t be around forever and this desire blocks our way to enlightenment. Buddhists believe that desire causes suffering. Desire unfulfilled causes suffering, obviously, but even when we get what we want we’re somehow left feeling unfulfilled and we want more.
So how does an attachment parent mesh Buddhist philosophies with their parenting philosophies?
First, we must recognize that, particularly with attachment parenting, we are investing a lot of time, energy, and emotion into our child. Many people expect a return for their investment, and feel a sense of ownership. This interferes with Buddhist philosophy as well as attachment parenting philosophy because we believe that our children are unique individuals that cannot be our property…physically or in any other sense.
This expectation of return for investment can manifest itself in quite a few ways. We could end up pushing our child to reach milestones, worrying when they don’t do it ‘on time’, or even punishing them if they fail to meet our expectations. We could push them into hobbies or career choices that they may or may not be interested in. We could be disappointed that they’re not cuter or smarter or better at soccer than their peers, and transmit that to our children through words or actions. We can start trying to control their education, investing a lot more time into parent teacher conferences or phone calls with the school for our interests, as opposed to what our children actually want or need. We can take away their ability to make choices for themselves, from what they eat to what they wear. Not to protect them or their physical or mental health, but because we want to project an image through our children. Everyone jokes about “living vicariously” through their children, but some people really do.
This is actually not in line with the attachment parenting philosophy, which recognizes children as unique individuals, but when it comes to Buddhism, it’s exactly the opposite of what we’re taught. Each of us must find our own path…not just spiritually, but in life. This is how Buddhism differs from typical mainstream parenting, and I found that it also met well with my attachment parenting philosophies.
One of the mistakes that people often make is misunderstanding the no-attachments philosophy of Buddhism. We can, and should, love our children. That doesn’t mean that we should expect a return for our investment that leaves us suffering and desiring more for our children due to selfish or otherwise unhealthy ideals.
I’ve found that my form of parenting, combined with my sense of spirituality, really allow me to step back and let my children blossom into who they want to be. I also teach my children that unconditional love, not the type with expectations based on my needs, really does exist. It has really made an impact on the way I parent, and the way my children turn out.
Instead of getting an idea of what I think my children will be like, I look at parenting from a different perspective. Instead of getting frustrated by the curve-balls of parenting, I instead can just sit back and take joy in the surprises that are sure to come my way.
This also goes along with Buddhism, because the point of where we are (this plane of existence), life is suffering for everyone. I’m sure that people have heard that “life is suffering” is one of the Buddhist precepts. This has led some to believe that Buddhism is a depressing philosophy, but in reality, it meshes well with my form of parenting.
The fact is that life IS suffering, and our goal is to end suffering. By placing demands on our children, we are setting ourselves and our children up for suffering. We are causing it by our actions, which is contrary to our goal.
Another fact, parenting is hard. It can be draining, sometimes disappointing, sometimes frustrating. It’s not a depressing way to look at parenting, acknowledging that parenting is hard. It’s just a fact. That doesn’t mean it isn’t worth it, just like it doesn’t mean that we shouldn’t bother getting out of bed because “life is suffering”.
Freeing ourselves from our expectations, both positive and negative, allows us to really be attentive in each moment, and to find the good in even bad situations. Not only is this an extremely helpful philosophy to add to attachment parenting, but it’s the way Buddhists live.
I hope that my children grow up seeing that just because life can be hard or disappointing, it doesn’t mean we should give up or get depressed. Looking for that silver lining can be a great way to keep our sanity. I also hope that by being involved with my children without expecting a lot in return, as well as raising them in my religious/spiritual belief, I can give them coping mechanisms that can help them in a lot of aspects of life, so that they don’t get burned out or become angry or apathetic. However, I’m not set on them learning it, or forming an attachment to the hope that they learn these things. They will, or they won’t, and the best I can do…the best ANY parent can do…is try and hope.
