Animal jokes have a lot going for them: they don’t offend any ethnic or racial group, they can usually be told in front of children, and they evoke pure and heartfelt laughter. There’s also something uniquely funny about anthropomorphising animals, especially if you’re the kind of person who likes to talk for her dog (hey, don’t look at me). With so much negativity in the media these days (and I’m not just talking about Simon Cowell), here are some hilarious animal jokes that will leave you roaring with laughter.
Animal Joke #1: The talking centipede
A single guy decided life would be more fun if he had a pet. So he went to the pet store and told the owner that he wanted to buy an unusual pet. After some discussion, he finally bought a talking centipede, which came in a little white box.
He took the box back home, found a good spot for it, and decided he would start off by taking his new pet to church with him.
So he asked the centipede in the box, “Would you like to go to church with me today? We’ll have a good time.” But there was no answer from his new pet.
This bothered him a bit, but he waited a few minutes and then asked again, “How about going to church with me and receiving some blessings?”
But again, there was no answer from his new friend and pet . So the guy waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation.
He decided to invite the centipede one last time. This time he put his face up against the centipede’s house and shouted, “Hey, in there! Would you like to go to church with me and learn about God?”
This time, a little voice came out of the box: “I heard you the first time! I’m still putting on my shoes.”
Animal Joke #2: The widow, the parrot and the freezer
A recently widowed elderly lady decides to go to a pet store to see if a pet will ease her loneliness. She decides against puppies and kittens and is about to leave the store when she hears a voice saying, “My, you do look lovely this afternoon, madam.”
She turns around quickly to see who has spoken, but there is no one. All she sees is a big green parrot, resting on his perch in his cage. “Did you say that?” she asks.
“Why, yes, I did!” he replies. “And may I add that dress is a very nice color for you.”
The lady suddenly realizes how nice it would be to not only have a talking parrot, but one that paid such nice compliments. So she pays for him and takes him home. On the way, she says, “You know, I am so proud of you that I believe I’ll take you out for dinner! Would you like that?”
The parrot says, “Why yes, that would be delightful. How about Applebees?”
So they arrive home and the widow progresses upstairs to her room to change for dinner, bringing the parrot with her. As soon as they enter her room, the parrot begins complaining and swearing and even bites her on the arm.
Well, the woman is flabbergasted! She grabs the parrot by the throat, marches down the stairs into the basement, and stuffs the parrot in the freezer. She leaves him there in the freezer for five long minutes before taking him back out. The parrot is very cold.
She says, “Well? Have you learned your lesson? I will not tolerate such language in my house!”
The parrot says, “Okay, okay, I promise it won’t happen again. I am deeply sorry.”
Within five minutes, the parrot is cursing again and bites her again on the arm.”
The lady is absolutely stunned. She plucks the parrot out of his cage, goes down the stairs, into the cellar, and, slam… into the freezer. This time, she leaves him in there for 15 minutes.
When the widow finally takes him out, the parrot is one step away from death. He is shivering and has light frost on the beak. “I swear it will never ever happen again! I will never insult you again! I promise!” As he thaws, he looks up at the lady and says, “I do have one question though. That turkey in there… what’d he do?”
Animal Joke #3: The dying dog and the high vet bill
A man runs into the vet’s office carrying his dog, screaming for help. The vet rushes him back to an examination room and has him put his dog down on the examination table. The vet examines the still, limp body and after a few moments tells the man that his dog, regrettably, is dead.
The man, clearly agitated and not willing to accept this, demands a second opinion.
The vet goes into the back room and comes out with a cat and puts the cat down next to the dog’s body. The cat sniffs the body, walks from head to tail poking and sniffing the dog’s body and finally looks at the vet and meows
The vet looks at the man and says, “I’m sorry, but the cat thinks that your dog is dead too.” The man is still unwilling to accept that his dog is dead.
The vet brings in a black labrador. The lab sniffs the body, walks from head to tail, and finally looks at the vet and barks.
The vet looks at the man and says, “I’m sorry, but the lab thinks your dog is dead too.”
The man, finally resigned to the diagnosis, thanks the vet and asks how much he owes.
The vet answers, “$650.”
“$650 to tell me my dog is dead?” exclaimed the man.
“Well,” the vet replies, “I would only have charged you $50 for my initial diagnosis. The additional $600 was for the cat scan and lab tests.
Animal Joke #4: The patient snail
There’s this guy that goes to his front door to pick up his newspaper. He opens the door, bends down to pick it up, and notices there is a small snail sitting next to the newspaper, just as peaceful as can be. Without even thinking, the guy picks up the snail and hurls him into the bushes.
Two years later there’s a knock at that same guy’s door. He goes to the door, opens it and looks around, but no one is there. So he closes the door and walks back inside. Seconds later, there’s another knock. He opens the door again, looks down and there’s the snail.
The snail looks up at him, and says “Hey! What was that all about?”
Animal Joke #5: The talented dog job applicant
A local business was looking for office help. They put a sign in the window, stating the following: “HELP WANTED. Must be able to type, must be good with a computer and must be bilingual. We are an Equal Opportunity Employer.”
A short time afterwards, a dog trotted up to the window, saw the sign and went inside. He looked at the receptionist and wagged his tail, then walked over to the sign, looked at it and whined.
Getting the idea, the receptionist summoned the office manager. The office manager looked at the dog and was surprised, to say the least. However, the dog looked determined, so he lead him into the office. Inside, the dog jumped up on the chair and stared at the manager.
The manager said “I can’t hire you. The sign says you have to be able to type.” The dog jumped down, went to the typewriter and proceeded to type out a perfect letter. He took out the page and trotted over to the manager and gave it to him, then jumped back on the chair.
The manager was stunned, but then told the dog “the sign says you have to be good with a computer.” The dog jumped down again and went to the computer. The dog proceeded to enter and execute a perfect program, that worked flawlessly the first time.
By this time the manager was totally dumb-founded! He looked at the dog and said “I realize that you are a very intelligent dog and have some interesting abilities. However, I still can’t give you the job.”
The dog jumped down and went to a copy of the sign and put his paw on the sentences that told about being an Equal Opportunity Employer. The manager said “yes, but the sign also says that you have to be bilingual.”
The dog looked at the manager calmly and said, “Meow!”
Animal Joke #6: The dog who could play chess
A man went to visit a friend and was amazed to find him playing chess with his dog. He watched the game in amazement for a while. “I can hardly believe my eyes!” he exclaimed. “That’s the smartest dog I’ve ever seen.”
“Nah, he’s not so smart,” the friend replied. “I’ve beaten him three games out of five.”
Animal Joke #7: The mice on roller skates
Once upon a time, there was a cat who died. When she got to heaven, God asked her how she liked being on earth. She told the Lord that it was awful–she had to sleep in cold back alleys, where there was no food and life was hard. God told her that he was sorry it had had turned out that way–but here, in heaven, she would be happy and He would give her the most comfortable, warm pillow to sleep on.
The cat laid down upon the pillow and was happy.
A few days later, about a dozen mice arrived in heaven together and God asked them how they had liked earth.
The earth was no better for them than it was for the cat.
They explained to God that it was tough and exhausting and their feet were worn out from always running from cats and dogs and people. God felt bad for the mice and decided to give them roller skates.
One day God sees the cat again and asked her how she was liking heaven. She explained hat it was absolutely wonderful.
The pillow he gave her was the most comfortable place she had ever slept, the milk was the creamiest she had ever drunk… but the best part of all were those great meals on wheels!
Animal Joke #8: A horse walks into a bar
And, finally, what would a collection of best animal jokes be without this classic old chestnut?
A horse walks into a bar.
The bartender asks, “Hey buddy… why the long face?”
