Another World AIDS Day has come and gone. I had a lazy Sunday on December 2, the day after World AIDS Day. I signed onto the Internet, logged into my Gay.com account, and went into the HIV-Positive Men’s chat room. In shortly more than an hour, two Chicago men who self-identify as HIV-negative entered the chat room. They are part of a group of HIV-negative men that are known as bug chasers. These are people who actively seek out other people who have the virus that causes AIDS and ask them to infect them with the virus.
Over the years I’ve been Poz, I’ve chatted online with several bug-chasers. Because I am open about my HIV status, it becomes apparent pretty quickly when someone who is HIV-negative is contacting me because he is a bug-chaser. That’s not to say everyone who is HIV-negative who contacts me online is seeking to become Positive. Safe sex between HIV-negative and HIV-positive people can be just as safe as safe sex between two HIV-negative people. With bug-chasers, the conversation quickly shifts to a desire to engage in unprotected sex, which is called barebacking.
Being HIV-Positive myself, I cannot answer the question of why bug-chasers exist and what motivates them. I also cannot explain those individuals who are HIV-Positive who are willing to have unprotected sex with bug-chasers with the hopes of infecting them. I’ve heard that there are conversion parties where an individual hoping to become infected with HIV has unprotected sex with multiple HIV-positive partners in a night.
There isn’t just one reason why people bug-chase. When I’ve chatted with these people online, most are unable to explicitly articulate a reason why they want the virus. Several rationales have been posited as to why people bug-chase. In the years since the HIV cocktails have turned HIV into a largely chronic illness, people are living longer and fuller lives. Many with HIV combat fatigue, depression, and drug side effects by working out. Often their doctors prescribe testosterone to boost their immune systems and a natural effect of the increased testosterone is increased muscle mass. Some bug-chasers erroneously see a causal relationship between being Positive and being muscular. Others have been so bombarded with the fear of becoming HIV-Positive over the years that they choose to simply give in to the inevitability that they will one day become Positive. These people feel as if intentionally infecting themselves gives them control of the circumstances under which the inevitable will occur. Then there are those who just have a death wish. Think of the M*A*S*H theme song, “Suicide is Painless” — to these HIV seekers, “Suicide is Pleasure”. Finally, there are those who are looking for the freedom of sex without condoms. Of course all of these reasons are misguided rationalizations at best.
I don’t think bug-chasers comprise more than a tiny portion of new infections. But, as you read the conversation I had on Sunday with the second of these two men, which I’ve transcribed more or less verbatim below, consider where the line exists between knowingly careless behavior and intentional affirmative careless behavior. Whether we’re talking about smoking and Lung Cancer, sugar and Diabetes, or sex and sexually-transmitted diseases like HIV and AIDs, there are different levels of intent.
Many HIV-negative gays say that they will only engage in unprotected sex with other HIV-negative people. Unfortunately, there’s no way to know for sure if someone’s telling the truth about their status. And sometimes, people who think they’re negative aren’t. Whether someone who’s HIV-negative thinks they’re having unprotected sex with someone who’s Negative or Positive matters little when the end result is infection by the virus. It’s irresponsibility and ignorance that accounts for many new HIV infections — mine included, and I accept responsibility for my actions that resulted in my ending up Poz for life. For me, part of accepting that responsibility is ensuring that my HIV infection ends with me.
In the dialogue below, note that the screen names have been changed to protect the ignorant. My screen name is, naturally, “Me”. The bug-chaser’s screen name has been changed for purposes of anonymity to “Dumb-Ass”:
Me: HIV-negative and in the Poz room? Do you want to be HIV-positive?
Dumb-Ass: No, not really.
Me: Well, “yes” is yes, and “no” is no. “No, not really” is yes.
Dumb-Ass: Well, then no would be the better answer, I suppose.
Me: “I suppose”? You keep qualifying your answers. I read your profile and it lists your occupation as an auditor. I am a Certified Public Accountant (though I haven’t practiced in years). As an auditor, you certainly understand the impact of qualifying an answer.
Dumb-Ass: Ha-ha. Excellent point made.
Me: So now that we’ve both figured you out, why do you want to be Poz?
Dumb-Ass: I was having this existential conversation with my friend yesterday.
Me: About ?
Dumb-Ass: With no conclusion. On the impact of becoming Poz now or in the future.
Me: Well, let me tell you. You’ll have to take pills for the rest of your life.
Me: You’ll have side effects from those pills.
Me: Nausea.
Me: Diarrhea.
Me: Muscle atrophy which you can only combat by working out for the rest of your life.
Me: High cholesterol.
Me: Neuropathy.
Me: An elevated risk of heart disease and cancer.
Me: And in exchange for all that, you can have sex without condoms.
Me: Which then opens you up to additional sexually transmitted diseases like Herpes; Hepatitis A, B, and C; Anal Warts; Gonorrhea. Just to name a few.
Me: Got it now?
Dumb-Ass: Loud and clear.
Me: There’s more stuff too.
Me: You’ll have chronic fatigue from the illness and /or the pills. Even with the disease under control and a negligible viral load, you’ll get tired faster and easier than before.
Me: Your stamina will decrease exponentially.
Me: And you get to live in a world where only 53% of the people on the planet are willing to go swimming in a pool with you.
Dumb-Ass: Points taken.
Me: So do you want to f*ck?
Dumb-Ass: Hmmm, what?
Me: You heard me. You know I’m Poz. I’ve shared the risks with you. So you want to f*ck?
Dumb-Ass: I really cannot tell if you are being serious or sarcastic given the discussion earlier, to be honest.
Me: I’m being serious. Do you want to f*ck after all that? That’s you assuming the risk.
Me: Oh, and when I see you out with my friends, I’ll of course point and yell at the top of my lungs “Bug Chaser!”. But hey, you’ll have what you want so why should you care?
Dumb-Ass: Hmm, I seem to really have upset you. I do apologize if that is the case.
Me: Not at all dude. Yesterday was World AIDs Day. I find it pathetic that you are so ignorant.
Me: But you are far from alone.
Me: If you really want the HIV after all this, go to the local gay bathhouse and put your naked self up in a sling. By the time your seven hours are up, you’ll be Poz.
Dumb-Ass: Well, thanks for taking the time to point that out. I appreciate your concern.
Dumb-Ass: And it is clear that I did irritate you to a degree.
Me: I’m not irritated at all.
Dumb-Ass: I find that hard to believe after all that. It’s OK. I’d be irritated too.
Me: You’re wrong.
Me: See, when you’re Poz, your state of mind changes too. I suppose that’s one of the good things.
Me: You don’t let the little things – that have nothing to do with you – irritate you.
Me: If I see you in six months at a Poz social event, I won’t even remember that we had this conversation.
Me: But you will.
Dumb-Ass: Then why are we having this conversation?
Me: Because, if you see me out in six months at a bar and you’re still HIV-negative, you’ll thank me. That’s why.
Me: But I assure you. There are tons of men in Chicago – and elsewhere – who will happily give you the bug fully knowing you are HIV-negative.
Me: I just ain’t one of them.
Dumb-Ass: Point taken.
Me: I’ll happily have sex with you after the fact – but there’s just one problem.
Me: You may not be up for it if you’ve been dealing with chronic diarrhea.
Dumb-Ass: I think you’ve gotten the point across quite clearly.
Me: Are you still looking for it? Or are you going to continue to play safely? Because I haven’t gotten any point across if you’re still going to seek it out, have I?
Dumb-Ass: And, on that note, I must be taking off. I have some errands to run. I hope you have a nice rest of the day and, again, sorry that you had to take time out of your day to talk to me about this.
Me: By the way, as a writer, I just copied and pasted this entire exchange into Microsoft Word. Look on AssociatedContent.com in a month. You’ll see a great article inspired by you.
Dumb-Ass: Oh how lovely.
Me: I don’t know, maybe I ought to use your screen name in the piece. After all, the truth is an absolute defense to libel.
Dumb-Ass: I’d respectfully request that you don’t do that. However, sadly, I couldn’t prevent you from doing so.
Dumb-Ass: If you truly feel that you have to use me as an example, that just saddens me a bit.
Me: Awww, don’t be sad.
Dumb-Ass: Well, I’m not sure what other emotion to have with that kind of threat. I can’t really be angry.
Me: It’s not a threat.
Dumb-Ass: It’s a bit of a threat. It’s a harsher word than I would use but I can’t think of another one.
Me: Threats are empty. I think a promise is more of what you mean. Thanks for being my muse today.
Me: Another World AIDs Day has come and gone. It’s December 2nd, the day after World AIDs Day and I’ve been having a nice lazy Sunday. I signed onto the internet, into my Gay.com account, and went into the HIV Positive Men’s chat room. In shortly more than an hour, two Chicago men who self-identify as HIV-negative entered the chat room. They are part of a group of HIV-negative men that are known as bug-chasers. These are people who actively seek out other people who have the virus that causes AIDs and ask them to infect them with the virus.
Me: First paragraph. See?
Dumb-Ass: Yikes, yeah. You weren’t kidding.
Me: You’ll be famous. Or infamous.
Dumb-Ass: Well now I’m running really late. Thanks for the conversation. I think you’ve sufficiently embarrassed me and freaked me out.
Me: Good.
Me: You’re welcome.
Dumb-Ass: I’m going to go and de-stress now and have some alone time. Have a good day.
With that, Dumb-Ass signed off.
On World AIDs Day, it was reported by the United States Centers for Disease Control and Prevention that, for the years 2001 to 2005 (the latest years available), the number of new cases of infection among 15- to 19-year olds in the United States jumped 20%. There were 1,010 new cases in 2001. And that number remained steady for 2002, 2003, and 2004. But, in 2005, the number jumped to 1,213 new cases. And, in the next age group, of 20- to 24-year olds, the number of new infections rose from 3,184 in 2001 to 3,876 in 2005. Contrary to what President Bush and his Administration thinks, we can’t pray away this disease. Faith-based prevention tactics are failing.
Too many people believe that HIV is a controllable chronic illness. And to a certain degree, that’s true. But controllable and chronic isn’t synonymous with just-like-your-HIV-negative-peers. It requires great effort to keep all the things I discussed with Dumb-Ass under control. And keeping these things under control doesn’t mean that they don’t happen anyway. I eat well, work out constantly, take my medicines daily, and visit my doctor regularly. But still I have high cholesterol, high blood pressure, chronic diarrhea and nausea. I’ve been Poz for four years and I’m at increased risk of heart disease, cancer, and nerve damage, just to name a few things.
I have to remain vigilant. But such vigilance won’t prevent me from having a heart attack, getting cancer, or becoming neuropathic. All these wonderful things may happen to me no matter how much work I put into my day-to-day health.
Any day my medicines can stop working – my virus can develop a resistance to the medicines I take. Sure I can switch to a new regiment. But the number of medicines available isn’t infinite. My virus could mutate and become immune to all medicines.
Then I’d really be f*cked without a condom.
