Adult Stepparenting 101:Help for New Stepmoms with Grownup Stepchildren
When I married my husband back in 1997, I became an instant stepmother and stepgrandparent. Having not had children of my own prior to our marriage, I knew there would be adjustments for everybody to make.
There are, however, different issues to be concerned with when it comes to being a stepmother to “children” who are already adults. When I became a part of such a “family,” I wanted to discover ways to help make the transition simpler for all concerned.
Through my own experience and by hearing about the experiences of others, I have come up with what I believe will be a helpful guide to assist any woman who finds herself in a similar position.
Don’t try and rush things!
Establishing and building a new relationship with your adult stepkids takes time, like any other kind of relationship. It’s very important that you be yourself and not who you think they want or need you to be.
Sometimes we try to ingratiate ourselves with our new stepfamily by either working too hard to prove how “cool” we are or presenting a phony front. Since they are adults, they will easily see right through any façade and probably become antagonistic towards you. Being “real” may help them learn to open up to you, once they realize you are being genuine with them.
I was blessed in that I got along pretty well with my stepkids from the start. Over time, I have gradually been able to bond with them, largely by taking the stress off myself by allowing them to get to know me at their own pace.
It’s not that easy for some women, who walk into a situation in which they face immediate resentment from their new stepchildren. There are adult children who feel somehow that, if they get along with their new stepmother, they are being disloyal to their mothers.
It might take years before you are finally able to communicate comfortably with your adult stepchildren. If it’s something you really want to happen, however, you must learn to be patient with the process.
Don’t ever badmouth your husband’s former spouse (their mom)
You may have heard horror stories about your husband’s ex-wife from either him or some of his relatives. You may even have observed some things you disliked about her yourself and be tempted to make occasional comments critical of her, especially if there is still some animosity between her and your husband. In spite of this, resist the urge to express your dislike of or disagreement with this person in the presence of your stepchildren.
Even if they make negative remarks themselves regarding their mother, listen,but don’t agree or disagree. Remain neutral, because anything bad you say will definitely be remembered and can be used against you later on.
Nobody likes anybody else dissing their mama!
Remember how defensive you would become if someone made a disparaging statement about your mother and that will help you to be prudent in what you say.
Always speak about your husband’s ex (their mom) with utmost respect. I am not suggesting that you be insincere and act as though you are bosom buddies with her, but respect her in the sense that she is their mother and a certain amount of deference does have to be given to her because of this.
Don’t argue with your spouse in front of your stepchildren.
This is a definite “no-no”!
All normal couples have an occasional disagreement, but make certain that you and your husband handle your personal disputes privately. Arguing in front of your adult stepchildren puts them in the position of choosing a “side”-not likely to be yours- and, if you are already having problems with them, it will only give them further cause to hold something against you.
What goes on between you and your husband should not include anyone from the outside.
Your husband may make you, to quote my mother,”as mad as a pepper pie,” but avoid the urge to address your anger until your stepchildren are not around.
Then, of course, go for it!
Don’t give advice unless it is requested.
You may think you have the perfect advice regarding a situation your stepchild is going through. If you are like me, you have a tendency to want to help out other people with the benefit of your own experience in life.
If your stepchild asks you for advice, then, by all means, be willing to give it. Be helpful without being pushy and open the door for him or her to come to you anytime they need to talk or want counsel.
Should you just plod right in by offering them your unsolicited opinion, however, your “help” will probably not be welcome and you will be seen as butting in.
In terms of giving advice, let them come to you first.
Realize that things may not always work out and learn to accept it.
Sometimes the sad fact is that, despite all of your best efforts over time, you may never have the ideal stepparent/stepchild relationship you dreamed of. Had they been younger when you married your spouse, perhaps your stepkids would have been easier to win over, but they are adults and- let’s face it- grownups are far less flexible than young children.
I know of a friend who is dealing with this very thing. Although she and her husband have been married for a number of years, his children continue to harbor hostility towards her. It doesn’t matter how kind she’s been, how much she has tried to make them feel welcome when they come to visit their father, they are bent on seeing her from the most negative perspective possible. This comes from being raised in an atmosphere where their mother and relatives voiced their bitterness towards my friend in the presence of these children. Although they had been divorced for a long time, the former wife still wanted a reconciliation and, when her ex husband remarried, she was hurt and angry, which she often spoke of within earshot of their kids. This has caused irreparable damage to any loving relationship they might have had with their stepmother.
My friend has finally resigned herself to the reality that she and her stepchildren will never be emotionally connected.
If that happens in your case, then learn to accept it and not allow anyone else’s bad attitude to affect your marriage or your self-esteem.
These will always be your husband’s children and he is always going to have to see and talk to them, so just be in support of him and go on with your life, in spite of the circumstances.
