I loathe witty introductions so let’s just get right down to brass tacks. You’re up long after the sun has gone down in San Francisco and you need to go somewhere where you can pay money to sit down and have someone make food for you and then bring it to you and then take away the remnants. SF is definitely not a “city that never sleeps”, in fact you’ll find most of it turns in quite early. Anyway, I’ve experienced most of what few restaurant options there are in my time here and I’m taking it upon myself to try to help. So, on we go –
Sparky’s Diner
242 Church Street
415-626-8666
On the sidewalk outside of Sparky’s there’s a sign proclaiming that it’s perhaps the only place in the world where you can sip a root beer float while listening to Prince and George Michael. I took that as a hearty endorsement to keep on moving. I’m a straight dude, though, if you are not then your mileage may vary. If Culture Club blasting on the stereo while you down diner food at 2 A.M. sounds like your thing, you’ll find this place just across from the Safeway on Market Street near Church.
Pinecrest Diner
401 Geary Street
415-885-6407
Ugh. Overpriced, an almost complete lack of service and the food is hell of generic. Once the lacksadaisical waitress seats you she’ll return to sitting up front and staring out the window and will never come near your table again unless you yell at her and jump up and down, perhaps flinging silverware. Expect to pay $10 or more for a mediocre plate of a mediocre size of typical greasy American diner food. This place is open all night solely because of drunk trendy club kids with more money than sense. Oh, and I hope you didn’t drink too much cause they ain’t got no bathroom. Screw the Pinecrest Diner. For my money the Jack In The Box right across the street is a preferable choice.
International House of Pancakes
2299 Lombard Street
415-921-4004
Probably one of the best options in the city for late night eats, it’s just a shame that it’s way out on Lombard – though there’s an Owl bus at night that stops right across the street every half hour. Anyway, the staff at this place is absolutely amazing for a graveyard crew in the city. I’ve stopped in here once or twice per year after midnight for the last three years or so and it’s been the same group of dudes every time, the same waiter who is amazingly polite and attentive despite having to deal with half-drunk asshole moron kids all night every working night of his life. The food’s so-so, but given what you can expect from graveyard eats it’s definitely on the good side, and it’s served up very quick. Look for it far, far down Lombard, much closer to the Presidio than to downtown, in the midst of many overpriced motels.
Denny’s
495 Beach Street
415-776-3700
About as good a Denny’s as you can hope for, the seating is copious and spacious and resembles a normal American restaurant rather than the usual claustrophobic run-down environs you get accustomed to in this city. The waitress I had on my one visit was really sweet and awesome, a gal from Minnesota IIRC, and the food was about the best you can expect from a Denny’s after midnight. It’s attached to a hotel, but has it’s own entrance and business seemed pretty light after shifting into the A.M. hours. Another decent choice if you happen to be down near the Fisherman’s Wharf area.
Denny’s
816 Mission Street
415-243-8800
Never been inside this Denny’s, but I imagine it’s the standard Denny’s food at the standard Denny’s prices.
International House of Pancakes
200 Beach Street
415-837-0221
Even though Fisherman’s Wharf is abandoned after midnight, this IHOP keeps the lights on. And, surprisingly, prices are about the same as every other IHOP and are not inflated 200x due to freespending tourists. Service is pretty good and food is about as good as can be expected.
Jack In The Box
800 Mission Street
415-543-3801
After dark this Jack In The Box turns into Jack In Tha Hood, as any number of behoodied thug-wannabes slouch up from the general direction of Third Street and spend copious time loafing both inside and out, trying to get the digits of every breathing female that passes by and starting loud arguments over incomprehensible things. Let a homeless dude start to nod off over a sandwich and there’s immediately two cops on the scene to eject him, but these guys are free to loaf all over the restaurant all night without buying anything. Anyway Denny’s is right next door and Mel’s is right across the street.
Jack In The Box
400 Geary Street
415-673-0868
This Jack gets surprisingly crowded when the bars turn out for the night, but if you’re eating to go it’s no big thing. Another reason to hit the road is that all these Jack restaurants have this new thing installed, SSD security or something, which is basically remote video surveillance on the whole place with a speaker that allows Security HQ to yell at homeless people in the restaurant when they fall asleep. It hell of disturbs your meal and is just too much of an Orwell/Big Brother vibe for me, man. You know the only people they can hire to work graveyard security are creepy goons who hecka watch you eat and zoom in on various body parts. I used to like you Jack but now you just weird me out, though we can still be take-out friends.
Carl’s Jr.
10 United Nations Plaza (on Market Street in the Civic Center)
415-431-3905
Due to it’s proximity to the Tenderloin / Civic Center this is the more, ah, “colorful” of the Carl’s Jr.’s downtown. Tons of seating, but every visit is almost sure to be accompanied by a homeless person doing something crazy and then getting yelled at loudly by security about it. Also, they charge you 25 cents to use the bafroom (there’s a coin lock thing on the door).
Carl’s Jr.
1 Hallidie Plaza
415-391-5799
This Carl’s is a little smaller and maybe a little less nutty than the other one, but only slightly more so. I’m also not sure if it’s open 24 hours every day of the week. Right next to the Montgomery MUNI/BART station, though.
Mel’s Diner
801 Mission, 2165 Lombard, 1050 Van Ness
It seems to be a major club kid thing to go to this place after getting out of the bars and such, so they always seem to be packed even well into the A.M. Also, the locations on Lombard and Van Ness are only 24 hours on Friday and Saturday, otherwise I think they close at 1am. Mel’s is a touch on the pricey side but not prohibitively so, and the food is definitely a cut above Denny’s and the other greasy spoons. My favorite place for a late night/early morning pie a la mode and coffee, when it’s not too packed with trendies anyway.
Bagdad Cafe
2295 Market Street
415-621-4434
Pretty standard American-style diner in the Castro, a touch above Denny’s in both food quality and price.
Silver Restaurant
737 Washington Street
415-434-4998
Another place I have to give you secondhand information on ’cause I haven’t been, but apparently it’s the only 24 hour Chinese place in the city – and real Chinese food, not that chow mein and orange chicken heat lamp fast food deal.
Lucky Penny
2670 Geary
415-921-0386
This is like the indy Denny’s and seemingly everyone who has ever been out late in the city has eaten here at one point or another. What to expect? Fair-to-middlin’ food served up very fast, surprisingly good wait staff for the late night hours, odd mix of humanity dining in a bleary haze, typical American breakfast, lunch and dinner foods at around $6 to $10 per head.
