In some ways, bulimia is worse than alcoholism. Alcoholics can live without their drug of choice, while bulimics can’t. Would any counselor recommend that an alcoholic go to a bar three times a day and stop by a liquor store for a “snack” between their second and third visits? Essentially, this schedule faces the recovering bulimic every day for the rest of his or her life. The recovering alcoholic is offered abstinence. The recovering bulimic is offered moderation.
This dilemma makes bulimia recovery especially difficult. This brief look into my previous life as a bulimic is from the perspective of a middle class female in her twenties working a full time job. Please keep in mind that bulimia know no limits in terms of sex, age, social, and economic status. Even though it is past tense for me, the disease will be spoken of in the present. I hope it will serve as:
1) Motivation for those struggling with the disorder to get help
2) A look at bulimia warning signs
3) A incentive to stop bulimic behavior in its tracks before the full blown disease emerges
5:00 AM
The alarm sounds and I wake up. I may be annoyed like any other worker bee by the alarm, regretful about yesterday’s purges, or struggling with heartburn from lying in a horizontal position for long with a damaged esophagus. I don’t have to be at work yet, but I get up early to squeeze in an hour long work out. My hour of cardio sounds healthy but it’s an addiction. I would feel bad about myself all day without it. For me as a bulimic, exercise intensity and duration is a measure of self worth and happiness for the day.
6:00 AM
I shower, get dressed, and eat a healthy breakfast like cottage cheese or yogurt and fruit. I take a multivitamin and drink some water. I am feeling motivated. “No binging and purging today” I tell myself. I resolve to be healthy and commit to full recovery from bulimia. I know it’s not good for me.
8:00 AM
I arrive at work. I’m feeling comfortably full checking my emails. I’m ready to start the day. My productivity is good for a few hours.
11:00 AM
I start to get hungry. Diet soda is my friend. I pass the vending machines, doughnut boxes, bagels, cereal bars, or whatever everyone is snacking on that morning in the office lunch room. I drink diet soda until lunch, sometimes up to ten cans.
12:30 PM
Now, I face a decision: keep working through lunch or give into my “weakness” for food. My hunger pains are my temptation. If I respond with what my body needs, I prefer something too light to be called a real meal: a cup of soup, a protein bar, a 6 oz yogurt or cottage cheese, a protein shake, etc. Eating so light seems to make me hungrier than foregoing lunch altogether at times. Either way, I will be starving later. Skipping lunch leaves me shaky and lightheaded. I am less productive in the afternoon and dying to get home.
5:00 PM
I leave work. I won’t go home without binge food in the pantry. I stop at the grocery store or even the drug store on the way home if needed. I buy only junk food on these trips. Usually, the foods are carbohydrate rich, easy to chew, and of the sweet bakery variety. I have learned by this point which foods are easy to binge on and purge. The strangest thing is the foods don’t have to be my favorites. They just have to taste decent, fill me, and be easy to purge.
6:00 PM
I arrive home. I am starving by now but I won’t let myself touch food until I have accomplished some tasks. I set little rules for myself. I am not allow to sit down and relax until I have dealt with the mail and my email, taken out the trash, changed into comfy clothes, returned any phone calls and checked my messages, cleaned any clutter, etc. I am in “control.” I am the master of delayed gratification.
7:00 PM
Now, anything would taste good. I start with something semi-healthy like cereal. Then, I proceed to all the food I wouldn’t dare to eat if I weren’t throwing it up. I eat more than a day’s worth of calories in one sitting.
8:00 PM
By now, I am in a haze. I do not taste my food. I will not answer the phone if it rings. I will be as sloppy as I want. I don’t allow time between bites. I distract myself from the food without looking at it. I surf the internet or read the newspaper.
8:20 PM
I am so full it’s uncomfortable. At this point, ice cream doesn’t even taste good because I’m absolutely stuffed. I don’t necessarily want to stop eating because I know what I “must” do next, but my stomach can only handle a certain volume of food.
8:30 PM
I hobble to my bathroom because I can barely walk. I am feeling fat, ugly, and ashamed. Binging is something I only do in private. Obviously, the same goes for purging. I throw up into the sink because having my face so close to the toilet grosses me out. I continue to force myself to vomit until I taste one of the first foods I ate. I think I must have ridden myself of all the “bad” food that was inside of me.
9:00 PM
I start to clean up any evidence of the episode. I put food away. I clean the kitchen. I brush my teeth and wash my face. I feel in control again.
9:30 PM
I get ready for bed before I get hungry again. After all, most of the food I just ate is now down the drain. If I stay up to long, I will start to get lightheaded and shaky. I will have muscle weakness and the feeling that I will faint (which has actually happened).
10:00 PM
I fall asleep easily because I am tired and weak. I have no energy left. I tell myself “that is the last time you will ever purge.” I’m a smart girl. I graduated college with a 4.0. I know what bulimia does to your physical and mental health. I will do better tomorrow.
Tomorrow, the cycle repeated itself with minor variations. In fact, there were way too many “tomorrows” until I got help: outside help. You can’t fight bulimia alone in my opinion. Why? Because moderation is a difficult strategy for a bulimic to adopt. Their brains have changed in the process of bingeing and purging. New networks form as connections are made in neural circuits. In fact, neural activity is noted in the same areas of bulimics that doctors observe when studying neural patterns of drug addicts. Bulimics get their highs from food and regain a sense of control by purging.
Besides the internal and external physical harm a bulimic inflicts of his or her body (I could write a whole article on heartburn, swollen glands under your chin, dental disasters and the money it takes to repair them, the money spent on food!) the emotional harm can be truly devastating. My personality was lost. Activities I used to enjoy were no longer fulfilling. The only room I had for an intimate relationship was with food. Social events were seen as an interruption in my schedule of binging and purging. Weekends were spent without seeing another human being, purging up to seven times a day.
Life is just too short to let bulimia take even a day from it, much less the four years it stole from me. I can never get those years back or my health pre-bulimia. But, I can share my story. I truly hope you don’t need it and never will.
