When someone close to us has a death in the family, sometimes we don’t know what to say, or sometimes we say the wrong things. Everyone handles grief in their own way. When it comes to grief, just be yourself and listen to what they might want to tell you. Try to think before you speak so you don’t use the same old cliché like “It was God’s will” or “God closes one door and opens another. You may have your heart in the right place, however, not all losses are the same, nor do we grieve in the same way. The griever is upset, and they may not want to think of God in a negative way. Or the griever may want to blame God. Or they may not even believe in God. A better way of saying these clichés would be “Some things just makes no sense and it’s tragic for what you are going through” or “This must seem like more than you can handle. What it is important is to acknowledge their feelings and not give the possible reasons as to “why” it happened to them. Everyone has their own belief system, and sometimes they may just feel angry and don’t want to know anything more.
Here are 7 ways you can help a person through their grief:
Be the initiator and tell them you will call them on a certain date to check on them. Don’t just say, “Call me”. They might second guess whether or not you really want to talk to them.
Be there for them if they call you. If you give an excuse once, make sure you reassure them and make another date.
Be a good listener. Sometimes silence on your part can be golden. The best therapy is when we talk about our grief; however they have to be ready to talk about it. Don’t assume they want to hear about how you were able to get over your losses.
Avoid clichés like the above including some like, “I know how you feel because I also loss my ____. You have your heart in the right place; however, we really don’t know how they feel. All we are doing is assuming they feel it the same as you have. I find just letting them know you are sorry for their loss is all you need to say. Here are some clichés and some better ways of saying it:
“He is happier now because he is with God.” Try saying:
“You had a relationship that was meaningful and so much to be proud of.”
“God never gives us more than we can handle.” Try saying:
“This must seem like more sorrow than you can bear.”
“Time will heal all wounds.” Try saying:
“You must feel as if this pain will never end.”
“Life goes on.” Try saying:
“Life has dealt you a terrible loss. I’m sure it will be hard for you in the months to come to live with this.”
“It’s a blessing.” Try saying:
“I am sorry that this ever had to happen and that she/he had to suffer so much”
If they feel like talking, let them know there is no right or wrong way to express your feelings. Let them tell you what they want to tell you. Don’t interrupt. And remember, less can be best.
Reminisce with them if they are ready to talk. It can help them identify how fortunate they were to have them in their lives. Even if there were bad times, it makes them realize that perhaps they wish to only remember the good times and maybe those bad times were not that bad. It can be a reconciliation for them.
Offer humor to them if they seem receptive. In fact, reminiscing on some of the funny times will have them recognize the value this person was in their life. Eventually it could lead them to realize how fortunate they were to have known that person.
Be patient. You may think they have grieved a long time; however there are no time limits or rules on how long is too long. Some people take years to recover and some just cannot recover but they have to be the ones to recognize this.
The important thing to remember is you want them to know you are thinking of them. Sometimes, that is all we need.
Sources: Hospice of the Comforter
