Many men have trouble expressing their feelings. Poor expression of feelings can often cause a man to have problems in relationships, inability to get what he wants out of life and a lack of fully understanding who he is. To help understand why it’s difficult for most men to express their feelings and tips for how a man can express his feelings, I have interviewed therapist Jeffrey Goldman LCSW.
Tell me a little bit about yourself.
I have been working as a clinical social worker in private practice for thirty years. My primary model when working with clients is solution focused. I’ve done numerous trainings and published on the subject of utilizing solution-focused treatment with couples distressed by domestic violence.
I’ve been married 28 years, have two children and used to be lead singer in a reggae band.”
Why is a difficult for most men to be vulnerable and express their feelings?
“I think they’re two reasons why it’s difficult for men to show emotion. First, from an evolutionary perspective, expressing emotion while hunting mammoths was probably not in our ancestors’ interest. Male and female brains evolved differently and men’s legacy is to have a genetic predisposition to shutting down the limbic system under stress or duress. Second, from a social learning perspective, men obviously learn from an early age that “being tough” is rewarded and expressing feelings, especially fear, sadness, and pain, is punished with ridicule and rejection.
What types of impact can a difficulty in expressing feelings have on a man’s life?
“At the extreme there is a condition called alexithymia. It’s defined as a maladaptive psychological disorder characterized by a person’s inability to describe and identify emotions in themselves or in others.
Unfortunately, because men are socialized to deny or minimize their feelings we tend to move in that direction. We are limited in relationships, not only with others but with ourselves. It’s like a painter having only a limited number of colors on his pallet. How’s he/she going to paint a sunset over the Grand Canyon?
Here’s a quick quiz to help make the point. Speaking of color, all the colors of the rainbow can be created with the three primary ones; red, blue, and yellow. What are the four primary emotions of which the full gamut can be created? Feelings like irritation or pride might be subsumed under these four. Most men will answer the first three with a little thought. Happy, Sad, Angry. Is it surprising that Fear is the one that gets left out? Bad enough to express sorrow (although we do get credit for being “sensitive” if we do). Bur fear, is not a “manly” emotion and we’re seldom acknowledged or respected when showing it. Much easier to rage or shut down.
So the short answer is our ability to cultivate successful and intimate relationships is limited. If we have difficulty expressing feelings, we’ll have difficulty showing empathy. And without empathy, true love isn’t true.”
What are some tips you can give to men in how they can go about in expressing their feelings?
“Briefly, the best tip I can give a man struggling to express his feelings is to use his cognitive strengths to understand the importance of being emotionally authentic. Learning a vocabulary of feelings is useful. When a man expresses anger (which seems to be the most common and natural emotion he expresses) he can ask himself, “What would I be feeling if I weren’t feeling anger?” An honest answer will usually be “scared,” or “lonely” or “overwhelmed.” That’s the first step in actually feeling it.”
What type of professional help is available for a man who is having a hard time expressing his feelings?
Finding a good fit with a therapist, someone who does a lot work with men and men’s issues, and, also, offers men’s groups, is a good place to start when looking for help.
Thank you Jeffrey for doing the interview on tips for men on expressing feelings. For more information on Jeffrey Goldman or his work you can check out his website on jeffreygoldmanpsychotherapy.com.
