Remember that movie Who Framed Roger Rabbit? Remember how the Christopher Lloyd character invented a method for killing toons? A method had to be invented because, of course, merely dropping an anvil on a toon’s head or pushing them off a Utahesque butte won’t do the trick. The Christopher Lloyd character developed this thing called “the dip” into which a toon could be inserted, culminating in death of the cartoon character.
Well, if I ever happen upon that big, dumbass doofus Digital Max-that insipid cartoon spokesman for Cox Communications-I’m going to dip his butt into the dip and erase him forever. Of course, if the dip works anything like Cox Communications vaunted high speed internet, I’ll be holding Digital Max in that dip for a few hours. The billionaire 80 year old sisters who own Cox Communications could get me information I’m looking for faster than Cox high speed internet. Heck, their dead in the ground father could probably access data faster than Cox high speed internet can.
Yes, folks, I’m here to warn you against taking the plunge and investing in Cox high speed internet access. In fact, Cox high speed internet access is to be avoided at all cost. It’s been a long time since I had to deal with dial up internet access, but to best of my recollection the waiting time for pages to load was roughly the same as Cox’s high speed cable modem offers. I’m not sure how often a Cox Communications commercials airs per day in my hometown, but I’m nearly certain it’s somewhere in the 200 to 300 times a day range. (Heck, they’ve even got a whole channel devoted to “informing” customers how to use their hardware.) And considering that Cox Cable is the only game in town when it comes to cable television service, that just seems unnecessary to the digital max.
I guess what I’m trying to say is that if I wasn’t in a position where my cable and internet bill was paid for me each month, I’d be hightailing it out in search of an alternative. As it is, Cox high speed internet is so atrociously misnamed that I’m considering eating the 100 bucks a month for the privilege of having web pages that load in less than two minutes, and television stations that are permanently fuzzy. I suppose I’ll never understand why monopolies like cable companies and utility companies have to advertise other than to justify the outrageously expensive charges for their almost-always unreliable services. If you are in the process of deciding on whether to go DSL with your local monopolistic telephone company or cable modem with your local monopolistic Cox Cable company I cannot be insistent enough in urging you to go DSL. Or any other alternative. For God’s sake, whatever you do, avoid Cox high speed internet. Because, frankly, they should have their sorry butts sued for false advertising. The only thing fast about Cox high speed internet is how quickly they will cut off your service if your bill is late. Now, normally, that might be a bad thing. But when it comes to Cox high speed internet, well, getting it cut off would only be an improvement.
Remember folks, if you enjoy reading Moby Dick-in its entirety-in a foreign language-while waiting for a web page to load, then you can’t beat Cox high speed internet.
