One of the highlights of Mystery Science Theater 3000 has to be the songs sung during the host segments. Just as the funny comments and pop culture references that Joel or Mike and the ‘bots make during the movie were often hit or miss, so too are the MST3K songs uneven. Even so, the worst songs were not really that bad, while the best songs zoom into the creative stratosphere.
Picking the top MST3K songs of all time by definition requires that you’ve seen all the episodes and since I haven’t seen them all because the wonderful folks at my Cox Cable outlet didn’t pick up Comedy Central until after MST3K had been kicked off it, I still have some major catching up to. Fortunately, thanks to the internet, however, I have been able to listen to almost all the songs that ever appeared during the host segments of MST3K.
I don’t want to make this into a top ten list, because even if most other people aren’t getting tired of top ten lists, I know I am. So this little article here will be about the top MST3K songs of all time in no particular order, just according to how they come to me. And the first one that comes to me is “Sodium!” which was sung during the MST3K presentation of Horror at Party Beach. That particular movie is actually rather enjoyable, featuring a plot involving really stupid thirty year old teenagers getting killed by a sea creature created as a result of pollution. Yes, Horror at Party Beach is actually a cry for environmental awareness! One plot point involves a character who really resembles James Franciscus driving to New York City to get a busload of sodium in his little two-seater sports car because sodium is the only thing that kills the monsters. In response to this, Mike, Tom Servo and Crow decide to sing a song that raises public awareness of the importance of sodium because, as Crow T. Robot points out, “The shocking lack of sodium taught in the schools today is shocking.” The guys then launch into a doo-wop song meant to educate viewers about sodium, the lyrical content consisting entirely of the word “sodium.”
A similar-sounding MST3K song would be “Where, Oh Werewolf” in which Mike and the ‘bots are dressed up as a 60’s girl group. I love the sound of those 60’s girl groups like the Ronettes, Crystals and Vandellas and this song really captures the spirit of some of those great songs. It’s a song about a girl named Susie mourning the fact that her parents won’t accept that she’s dating a werewolf named Steve. You could literally change the lyric “werewolf” in this song to, say, “greaser” or “communist” and imagine teens dancing to it on American Bandstand.
The average movie to appear on MST3K was made with a budget that today wouldn’t cover the cost bottled water and starred people who were obscure six months after filming wrapped, but every once in a while a movie with recognizable stars would get the MST3K treatment. Dick Contino may not necessarily fit that description, but he certainly wasn’t a total nobody; he was a cult musical figure when he appeared in Daddy-O. Oddly, he seemed to think that hiking the waistline of pants above his belly button was cool or something and that made great fodder for a terrific MST3K song. Apparently, one of his relatives was none too thrilled with seeing the most famous member of his clan satirized, and took exception. Despite that, “Hike Up Your Pants” remains a classic in the annals of MST3K host segment songs. I can’t imagine what Dick Contino’s relative found insulting about lyrics like:
“Hike up your pants till you see your shins,
Wear an Izod shirt like a second skin.
Make sure you wear your belt buckle to the side.
Hike up your pants, take your butt cheeks for a ride.”
MST3K foisted upon the world not just one, but two brilliant Christmas songs that belong on your Christmas mix CD. The first was part of the classic MST3K episode in which they took on Santa Claus Conquers the Martians. Now that movie already has a theme song that worms its way into your brain and lays eggs, so it’s tough to figure which song you’ll be singing the next day. The MST3K effort is called “Let’s Have a Patrick Swayze Christmas” and takes on the bad actor who appears to really cheese off the writers of MST3K more than any other. For a Christmas song with an action sequence, it’s actually surprisingly touching. Later, MST3K would air a Christmas movie called, appropriately enough, Santa Claus and during the host segment sing a song titled “Merry Christmas, If That’s Okay” that makes fun of fundamentalist Christian fears that their holiday is being diluted as a result of multiculturalism while also making a plea to just sit back and enjoy the peace on earth that lies at the heart of the holiday season.
The guys create their own Master Ninja bad 70’s TV show theme song that combines unforgettable Bobby McFerrin-type voiced instruments with just enough lyrical content to make it impossible to get it out of your head.
I really love “When I Held Your Brain in My Arms” which was sung by the Observers who held their own brains in a bowl. The lyrical content of this song is simply amazing and at one point includes one of those talking solos common to the genre of songs that this one parodies. The only problem with it is the rhyming of Suddenly Susan at one point which no doubt already is hopelessly confusing to many listeners. This song also showcases the simply amazing voice of Kevin Murphy.
Kevin Murphy also features in what is by far my favorite MST3K song of all time, “The Canada Song.” Murphy as Tom Servo starts out by hoping to sing a song that ends the Canada-bashing banter of Crow and Mike Nelson, but after those two take over and totally rip apart our northern neighbor for its worst stereotypical failings, Tom Servo joins in the fun. Of course, as if usually the case, Tom Servo takes it a little too far and ends up singing these lyrics:
“Just where the Hell does Canada get off sharing a border,
With countries far superior to it?
Why you lousy stinking francophonic, bacon-loving bastards,
Your country’s just a giant piece of sh-”
before being rescued from the edge and breaking into apologetic tears. Just as the MST3K weren’t afraid to make fun of any actor, whether a big star or a nobody, they were also fearless in creating songs that, frankly, beat the living heck out of anything you’ll see on the Billboard Hot 100 today.
