What’s not to love about ancient Greek mythology? There are all-powerful Gods with human drives and emotions. There are heroes chalk-full of flaws, social hook-ups galore, cheating in every sense of the word, killing, revenge, and more killing. Sure sounds exciting.
Within this magnificent framework of mythology lies the age-old question. No, it’s not which God had more kids (Zeus’ offspring alone could populate the moon). It’s not why the Olympian Gods and Goddesses were so perverted and horny all the time. It’s not even why the Greeks would wage war with Troy for ten years over the supposedly most beautiful woman in the world.
The question is: who was the most overlooked hero in Greek Mythology? Perhaps I’ve built this up too much…
Everyone with half a brain and a decent set of ears and eyes has heard of Hercules. He is the strongest man to ever live and he kills more beasts than any other hero.
Achilles is that dude played by Brad Pitt in the movie Troy. He is that badass who is completely and utterly immortal except for a tiny spot on his heel because his mother forgets to dip that part in the magical river. Then he goes and gets himself shot in that heel by a poison tipped arrow. Stupid mother.
Odysseus may be the most popular. He fights alongside Achilles in the Trojan War for ten years. After that, he spends another ten years trying to get home. After he loses his entire crew, survives odds that even Han Solo would be proud of, and manages to tick off every major God along the way, he arrives home to fight an army of suitors who have been hounding his wife for 20 or so years. He kills ’em all and lives happily ever after.
But the most overlooked hero is probably a guy you’ve never heard of, unless you’re a geek. His name is Orpheus.
Orpheus is not known for killing any monsters or liberating anything. In fact, Orpheus does very little that is heroic (probably why he’s forgotten by everyone). To give him his credit, he does attempt a rescue mission… which he fails miserably at, but we’ll get to that.
Why Orpheus has to be labeled as a hero at all is his amazing (even God-like according to some poets) skill at the lyre, a stringed instrument resembling a miniature harp. He is so heavenly in his music that he can woo raging beasts, quell angry drunk men, and even please the ears of the Gods. It should be noted that he is the son of the sun God, Apollo. Now that’s what you call an advantageous start in life.
Though this guy seems like a complete lost cause right now, it should be mentioned that he is one of the legendary Argonauts. Who are the Argonauts you ask? They are the crew of heroes that recover the Golden Fleece, which was sheared off a magical sheep. This crew is made up of heroes like Hercules (see above) and Atalanta (the manliest woman ever). Orpheus is handpicked by Jason himself and plays a vital role in getting the ship past the isle of the Sirens. The Sirens are the Ancient Greek Mythological equivalent of the Spice Girls: they sing ‘beautiful’ music and lure sailors close so they can eat them or stuff them with cotton candy or something like that. To drown out their music, Orpheus has to play his lyre and produce a melody even more beautiful than the deadly singing. He does it with ease. Take that Spice Girls…I mean Sirens.
The most famous story involving Orpheus is that rescue mission he undertakes to get his beloved, Eurydice, back from the dead. Eurydice, the lucky bride of this virtuoso, gets bitten by a serpent and dies. Her spirit is taken to the realm of the dead, Hades, which is run by a God named Hades. Yes, he names his territory after himself because he’s got an ego the size of my cholesterol or the size of your disgust with the Spice Girls.
Orpheus is so distraught that he ventures into the realm of the dead. When he reaches Hades and his wife, Persephone, he moves them with his music and pleas. Hades’ grouchy heart stirs (for the first and last time) and he makes a deal. Orpheus must lead Eurydice’s spirit out of the underworld by playing his lyre while he marches out, but he cannot look back at her until they are both back in the world of the living.
Orpheus does a decent job. I mean, he is leading his wife through the land of the dead (ghosts, ghouls, zombies, etc) while playing an instrument the whole way. And this isn’t a walk to the local pharmacy down the street. This is miles and miles of gloomy fields infested with wailing dead guys desperately looking for their Prozac. Not to mention that he hasn’t actually seen Eurydice since he can’t even look at her. He must have been second guessing and doubting the whole time. Would you completely trust the God of the dead? And what kind of stupid rule is not even being able to look at her to see if she’s following?
Orpheus gets to the threshold between the land of the living and the land of the dead. In his haste, he looks back prematurely. She hasn’t crossed over yet. Her spirit looks sadly at him for a moment and then flies back into the underworld, never to be seen again by anyone living. From that point on, Orpheus denounces women and becomes a homosexual (as if it’s her fault).
In the end, Orpheus is a pretty tragic character. If we have to relate him to today’s world, he is definitely the definition of an ’emo’ teenager. He loves depressing music and flirts with literary suicide. But his skill at the lyre, the fact that he rubs shoulders with Hercules, and his failed attempt at rescuing his love make him one of the Greek heroes, albeit, not a very good one. It’s probably best to think of him as the Kurt Cobain of Greek Mythology.
