Abuse can be a vicious cycle that never ends, unless you know what to look for in yourself and others. Both the abuser and the abused play a significant role in this cycle, and in many cases, neither one is willing to admit that there is a problem.
According to Beverly Engel, author of Breaking the Cycle of Abuse, victims are very likely to become abusers, unless they take steps to prevent it. Those who don’t become abusers are likely to be victimized throughout their entire lives.
According to Dianne Schwartz, author of Who’s Face is in the Mirror, abusers will often apologize, and admit that their victim doesn’t deserve to be abused, but then they will say that they can’t help it, because it is all they know. At other times, they may say they don’t know why they do it, or say they don’t remember doing it at all. Dianne suggests that this is a ploy to gain the victim’s sympathy, so they will continue to have the abuser in their lives, even under the threat of more abuse.
How to Break the Cycle
The first step to breaking the cycle of abuse is to identify behaviors that could associate you with the role of a victim. The next step is to pinpoint behaviors that could help you spot an abuser. Once you have learned to recognize these behaviors, it will be easier to avoid them in yourself and other people.
Common Behaviors of a Victim
Abusers often look for these traits in people so that they can exploit them, and victims often continue these behaviors after being abused, because they are either unaware of them, or do not know that these behaviors are dangerous in any way.
Need to Rescue
Victims often “need to be needed” and will seek out people who they feel need to be helped. This can lead them to people who refuse to help themselves, and will deliberately exploit anyone who tries to help them.
Self Hatred
Victims may have very low opinions of themselves, or feel that they are deserving of the abuse they receive. Abusers are usually very good at validating these feelings, and working to lower the victim’s self image even further, so the victim will always feel completely at fault.
Accepting Abuse
Even if there is no self hatred involved, victims will often accept the behavior of the abuser, because they feel they understand what the abuser has been through. An abuser will often tell horror stories to the victim about the abuse that was done to them to make the victim feel they are lucky for not getting abused in the same ways.
Lying to Yourself
Many victims will tell themselves that it “was not that bad” after the abuse is over, and remain in denial about the amount of misery they feel. Abusers will often tell the victim that they are “over-emotional,” or they need “toughen up,” to make the victim feel that they are overreacting when they try to stand up against being abused.
Dysfunctional Family History
When a person grows up in an abusive family, it will often lead them to seek abusive relationships when they are an adult. This is because playing the role of the victim has become comfortable, or they feel it is time for them to play the role of the abuser. Both abusers and victims that grew up in dysfunctional homes will seek dysfunctional relationships.
Fear of Being Alone
Victims may feel that they can’t find a better situation than the one they are in, so they will stay for fear of being alone. An abuser will work to make their victim completely dependent on them so they continue to be afraid to leave.
Common Behaviors of an Abuser
Inability to Control Emotions
If a person is unable to refrain from yelling at the car ahead of them in traffic, or gets unreasonably upset with a waitress who makes a mistake at a restaurant, chances are they are unable to control their anger in their relationships as well.
Inability to Maintain Relationships
If a person tells you they have had many short term relationships, and they don’t know why, you can probably assume that there is a very good reason. Even if this person is aware of the real reason, they are not likely to share it with you if that reason happens to be that they tend to be abusive.
Family Background
Again, growing up in a dysfunctional family leads to dysfunctional adult behavior. Unless this person is taking steps to break the cycle, it will continue.
Controlling Behavior
Abusers often feel the need to be in complete control of everyone and everything except themselves. Often their expectations of others don’t match up with what they expect from themselves, and they will chastise or ridicule other people for making mistakes.
Problems with Authority
Abusers usually have their own ways of thinking and living, whether or not it is socially acceptable, or legal. They will justify their behavior, by boasting about their intelligence, or complaining about how “stupid” certain rules or social standards can be. Many abusers have an addiction to drugs, alcohol, gambling, or porn, and will “protect” themselves from getting treatment by remaining in denial that they do these things excessively. They may say things like, “I drink a little…so what?
Behaves Differently in Public
Abusers are usually very concerned with the way other people feel about them, even if they pretend not to be. They might talk about their victim kindly in front of others, and then belittle them at home. On the other hand, they may tell all of their friends that their victim is somehow treating them badly to gain sympathy from their peers, while acting like everything is fine at home. Many times an abuser will continue to deny that anything is wrong, even if the victim suspects that the abuser is accusing them to other people, and asks.
Both victims and abusers see other people and the world around them in a distorted way. The best way to change these distorted views, is to seek professional help involving cognitive behavioral therapy, and assertive communication skills. If professional assistance is not available to you, there are many self help options available.
For more information on these options, please visit the following links.
Cognitive Behavioral Therapy
This page offers a basic look at what cognitive thinking skills are, and how they can help you identify distorted beliefs. It also includes a video of cognitive therapy in action, and links to several other CBT resources.
Assertive Communication Skills
This page shows you the basics of effective communication with an instructional video, and links to other assertive communication resources.
Healthyplace/Abuse Hotlines
This page offers a nationwide list of US 24hr abuse hotlines categorized by state. Healthyplace.com is full of other resources and online support communities for abuse, and several different categories of health and well-being related topics.
*Sources
Breaking the Cycle of Abuse
How to Move Beyond Your Past to Create an Abuse-Free Future
Beverly Engel
John Wiley&Sons;, Inc. 2005
Who’s Face is In the Mirror
A story of one woman’s journey from the nightmare of domestic abuse to true healing
Dianne Schwartz
Hay House Inc, 2000
The Survivor’s Guide
Sharice A Lee
Saga Publications 1995
