Most of us can sing a TV theme song or two…or twelve. Some stick out because they’re great (like Cheers, for instance). Others stick out because they’re just awful. Here are the 10 worst TV theme songs to invade our living rooms – and our common memories:
1) The Love Boat. Both The Love Boat and The Theme to The Love Boat smack of 70’s cheese. The show provided a weekly vehicle for has-been (or never-were) stars to attempt to revive their careers in hackneyedly-written plots that attempted to be saucy cheese but wound up quite far from the intended fondue. The Theme to The Love Boat was an ode to getting it on while on vacation – because, as we all know, the only reason people spend thousands of dollars to live on a luxury boat and get it on. The vocals? Pure 70’s crap rock – and soft crap rock, at that. The Love Boat and its theme may have been good for Carnival Cruise Lines’ business, but The Love Boat Theme was bad for eardrums throughout the country.
2) M*A*S*H. The doctors and nurses of the 4077th were funny. Hawkeye, Klinger, BJ, Trapper, Hot Lips, Frank, Radar and Col. Potter were consistently funny and literate. Conversely, the theme to M*A*S*H was not. The official title of the theme to M*A*S*H is “Suicide Is Painless.” Ideally, a TV theme sets the stage for the show. Suicide = Funny? Umm…probably not. Good thing they dropped the original version used in the M*A*S*H movie and used the instrumental version for the TV show.
3) The Greatest American Hero. Another theme that had nothing to do with the show. The theme to The Greatest American Hero is different than most of the other themes on this list, though. The theme to The Greatest American Hero was released as a single and made it to #1 on Billboard’s Top 40 list (which didn’t say much for popular taste back then). The Greatest American Hero show, however, was not #1 in anything – and barely outlived the popularity of its theme.
4) Shark. It will likely take you longer to read this blurb about Shark than it will to hear it. Think of Shark’s theme as an audible blink and you’ll get the idea. It clocks in at less than 10 seconds. This James Woods legal drama is fast food for the brain – and good fast food at that. The theme to Shark? Not so much. It sounds like a class project for the Elementary School for the Musically Ungifted and Tone Deaf. But at least it’s short. It’s also the only current show on the list.
5) The Bob Newhart Show. Bob Newhart played a shrink in his 70’s sitcom, which was absolutely hysterical. Unfortunately, the theme to The Bob Newhart Show was an uneven mish-mash starting with Newhart answering the phone, followed by a lively, catchy brass section, then, without a segue, a sad, melancholy section. The Bob Newhart Show worked well. The same can’t be said for it’s theme.
6) Fantasy Island. The only good thing – and the only thing most remember about The Theme to Fantasy Island is Tattoo ringing the bell and shouting, “Da Plane! Da Plane!” The Theme to Fantasy Island’s musical score was a mix of tropical strings and sounded like it was written by someone who had spent far too many hours in the sun drinking fruity alcohol out of a coconut shell. It’s enough to make you sea sick even if you’re land locked.
7)Fat Albert. Bill Cosby is a comedic genius. He introduced Fat Albert and his gang to American kids in the 70’s in a great Saturday Morning show. Fat Albert (the show) taught valuable lessons about life and coming-of-age. The Theme to Fat Albert, however, started with this weird bouncing base line that seemed to poke fun of Fat Albert’s…well, fatness – which may have scarred overweight children by encouraging other kids to poke fun of the Fat Alberts among us. Then, in the middle of the song, Bill Cosby breaks in and tells us if we’re not careful, we may learn a thing or two. Yeah, Bill. Like calling kids “fat,” to start.
8) Blossom. Blossom was an innocent enough 80’s sitcom geared toward teens. It was charming enough and had its funny moments. Heck, even the characters were well-developed and consistent. The Theme to Blossom, however, had nothing to do with the show. Basically, it was a great voice using words to take the place of an actual instrument. The lyrics? Nonsensical. But what really, REALLY puts The Theme to Blossom on this list is the use of a forced rhyme with the manufactured word “opinionation.” Let’s just agree that if you have to make up a word, you’re not really rhyming.
9) Howdy Doody. The Howdy Doody Show ran on TV long before most who read this article were ever born. But most of us, at one point, have sung part of the chorus of The Theme to Howdy Doody. If you haven’t, here’s an example of this wordsmithing: “It’s Howdy Doody time/It’s Howdy Doody time…” Not exactly Lennon and McCartney, is it?. Sung by a group of really, REALLY happy children, The Theme to Howdy Doody has a melody that is the epitomy of sticky sing-song sludge. It stays in your head for days and you find yourself singing it at the most inappropriate times.
10) Addams Family. Dah-nah-nah-nah! Snap! Snap! Dah-nah-nah-nah! Snap! Snap! You know how The Theme to the Addams Family starts. It’s catchy and fun…and it goes downhill from there. The vocals were substandard, the recording quality sub-substandard, the melody was sub-sub-substandard and the lyrics actually used the word “kooky.” What more can be said on behalf of its badness? The Addams Family was a mildly macabre comedy with quite memorable characters and, despite being in black and white, is so cool it has stood the test of time. The Theme to the Addams Family, however, lost its cool after the first word was sung.
Dishonorable Mention: The themes to Green Acres, The Fall Guy and Walker, Texas Ranger. Never let actors sing the theme songs to TV shows. Ever.
